Wednesday, July 26, 2006
♥ Wednesday, July 26, 2006
You left.
What more can I say? I watched you get in the taxi, saw you load your luggage, saw you crying, watched as you waved goodbye. Snuck away with you for the last time, at the same old place that we called our own, one that would be empty and incomplete without you.
You said you would stay. I want you to,but I can't make you. Cause making you stay is like stopping the world from turning, stopping the rain from falling. I really can't afford to do that, to lose everything. But I didn't realise that by letting you go I would be losing a part of my world already.
I wish to relive those days again. The movies where we would go to, the ones that I would hide behind you. Where you would cover me with your jacket because I always forgot to bring one. The dinners and lunches that we had together, us squabbling over the food. The warmth of your hand, the insecurities that would disappear whenever you were around. The one who would give me confidence, the one who would be there when I couldn't stand the pressure. The one that was always there.
Letting go has never been something I was able to take or handle. It's almost the hardest thing that I can ever do. Maybe I'm just selfish, that's why. But you'll always be here in my heart. You're someone who I won't forget, my firsts.
But without you I can't live like I was. You see me laughing, and I tell you I'm okay, but the laughter is empty, it is but an empty shell of pretense against the world that has already turned against me.Without you I lose myself. When you left you took a part of you that was in me and kept it. I know I'll never get it back but it hurts so much, I can't breathe. I can't do anything meaningfully.
Not everyone knows about you. But I want you to know that you'll always be a part of me, no matter where you are. Because when you left you didn't take all of what you were away. There are still strains of your existence here, and they will stay as memories that are precious, that will not be forgotten or kept away.
But oh, your confidence in me. Knowing that there's someone who cares in the other part of the world makes me feel guilty when I feel like giving me up, so I don't. I'm trying awful hard, you know, but I still can't get it right. I can't do it myself. Things don't go the way I want it to.
People say I'm overreacting. But try putting yourself in my shoes awhile. Imagine your parents living in another place, and everytime you walk on the road and pass by a family eating ice cream you have to cringe and turn and look away. Because you know that if you stay to watch them, the emptiness that you feel will maximise and magnify til you can't stand it anymore. Its not easy, you know. You think it is but it's not. The feeling I get when I watch a family get together on Sundays at Tangs is unbearable. The kind that makes me wrench, the kind that emphasises that I'm alone and independent.
You can spend Sats and Suns at home doing your PTs while your maid cleans up your room, but what am I doing? Instead of doing PTs, I have to clean my room. I have to make my bed, I have to do my housework. I have to remember to send all the clothes for washing, cos if I don't I won't get uniform to wear for tomorrow. Yet no one sympathises. This and that. All the things that pile up one by one, that make a mountain, that make me freak out. The one that leaves me in a mess.
So before you start blaming, put yourself in my shoes. Because you never know when I'm gonna break down and stop functioning altogether. I don't know either, but I'm pretty sure it's gonna be soon now.
List of tests
Saturday, July 22, 2006
♥ Saturday, July 22, 2006
I went crazy on blogthings and here are answers to the quizzes I took:
What type of Writer Should You Be:From Blogthings.com:
A Romance Novelist
You see the world as it should be, and this goes double for the matters of the heart. You can find the romance in any situation, and you would make a talented romance story writer. And while you might be a traditional romantic, you're just as likely to be drawn to quirky or dark love stories. As long as it deals with infatuation, heartbreak and soulmates, you could write about it.
My comments:
I think it's the only writer I can be. I am SO not good with all that gory and gruesome things.
What Time of The Day Are You?From Blogthings.com: Sunrise
You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.
My comments:
Waha. I think so too. These quizzes actually work.
Are You a Lady?From Blogthings.com: You are 68% lady.
Overall, you are a refined lady with excellent manners.But you also know when to relax and not get too serious about etiquette.
My comments: Are you serious? I do NOT have excellent manners or whatsoever.
How Selfish Are You?From Blogthings: You are 19% selfish.
In other words, you're a warm, caring considerate person.Just make sure to get your way sometimes. There's a fine line between unselfish and pushover.
My comments:
It makes me sound better than I am.
Are you a Girl Or A Woman?
From Blogthings: You are a Woman!
Congratulations, you've made it to adulthood.You're emotionally mature, responsible, and unlikely to act out.You accept that life is hard - and do your best to keep things upbeat.This makes you the perfect girlfriend... or even wife!
My comments:
Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, that's still a long way to go. This is the most hilarious test result I've received, on account of, you know, me not being able to crack an egg single- handedly.
But that's all for the day. Im tired and I need some serious sleep.
♥ Saturday, July 22, 2006
| The Keys to Your Heart |
 You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
♥ Saturday, July 22, 2006
You're leaving soon.
So I guess that's how it's going to end. Each of us trying to make the other think that it's gonna be alright. We're gonna be just fine, you know. We'll talk, we'll be normal.
But I know that isn't true. I try to make it sound alright, make it sound like it's not a big deal, you know. Because I know that I don't, you'll come crumbling down, and when you do, the walls in my heart that hold me up will disappear, and so will the decision to let you go. It is this coldness that keeps my heart from breaking, from shattering, into pieces of glass.
But I can't hold it much longer. It is melting, like the ice caps on the mountains. Gradually, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. Bit by bit. Yet I try to tell you that I'm fine, that you should go, that you shouldn't worry about me.
I am weak. I don't dare to see you go. I don't dare to see you drive away, in the car, waving at me. When you do the rivers will come down on me, and I start to realise that my eyes are a blur. I can't see you anymore, because you are gone, because tears have filled my eyes. Because I will never see you again.
I know you will not come back again, because it is better to stay away than to put me through another round of pain, another round of sadness, another round of torture. Hurting you, is like hurting myself. You're exactly the person who I thought you were. You don't want to hurt me. And neither do I.
Now I have decided. Letting you go was a foreseeable circumstance, I knew from the very first day. As harsh as it is, I have no choice. I wonder if I should send you off, tomorrow. The last time of seeing you in person, the last time of seeing you with feelings. Not only for me, but for us. For the first time we met, for the first connection.
But thank you. You are my firsts. In you I can see the firsts of me, the first time I learn to sacrifice, the first time I learn how to let someone take control over me. The first time I let my heart rule over my mind. The first, but not the last. You made me see things that I couldnt, and you made me feel things that I wasn't supposed to. You made me feel happiness.
But you never know. There might be someday where I can get a random ticket to Sydney, and skip school for a few days. When that happens, then maybe the world will change after all.
♥ Saturday, July 22, 2006
| Your Five Factor Personality Profile |
 Extroversion:
You have medium extroversion.You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."
Conscientiousness:
You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.
Agreeableness:
You have high agreeableness.You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.
Neuroticism:
You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high.In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything. |
Thursday, July 20, 2006
♥ Thursday, July 20, 2006
All it Takes (:
It was the last day of band camp, and the farewell party had just ended. Strains of Mariah Carey still floated around the dancing hall. The past two weeks were a smash, what with me trying to wake my best friend, Ellyn up in the morning – she’s not really a great fan of early-wakers – and crossing a river with water that looked like milo, only it was far grosser than milo.
And it was when Ellyn and I were hanging around with the usual bunch of guitarists who we spent mornings practicing with, as well as last night’s concert – Catherine, Allyson and Queenie- when our camp counselor Mrs Kesley came over and whisked me into her office.
“Your elder sister is on the line,” she said, rather annoyed, with her old German accent. I heard she was from there anyway, but it was true she had an accent.
I was rather excited for a minute. But I didn’t get why Sarah, you know, of all people, on account that she’s 23, decided to play such a prank on me. Mrs Kesley was known to stare at campers who have phone calls to the office, probably so that we’ll actually feel guilty and put down the phone quick and not waste her money to buy more of those Barbie dolls I happened to chance upon in her room.
But whatever. I wasn’t going to feel guilty.
But then again, apparently, Mrs Kesley DOES stare at campers when they’re talking on the phone, even if your sister is already a 23 year old legally mature adult.
“Hello?” I called.
“Rachel?” she said after a long pause. I couldn’t be sure if she had been crying, but it sounded so, I swear. So that’s when I started to ignore Mrs Kesley’s stare.
“Yeah. What’s wrong?”
Another pause. A sniff. Something was definitely wrong.
“Can you come home? Right now?”
“Of course, Sarah. Today’s the last day of camp, remember? What happened?” I assured her.
A long pause, longer than any of the two. She started crying.
“Tom,” she managed to mutter. “He’s…gone, Rachel. He’s gone,”
I was about to ask her where, when it finally dawned on me. I can’t believe I was so stupid to even want to ask that question. As reality sank in I stood there, with the receiver in my hands, a gazillion thoughts rushing into my head. Thomas – her husband; my brother-in-law, the only man in the house – was dead.
“Oh my God. It can’t be, Sarah. It can’t be,” I said.
The crying continued. Mrs Kesley got tired of waiting, but I didn’t care. She didn’t know what was happening. How could she have stood there looking at her watch when my sister’s closest person was dead? It was not true. He couldn’t have died. NO way. It’s impossible.
“Where’s Caitlyn? Stay with her, ok? Don’t do something you and I don’t like. I’m coming home. Right now,” I said firmly. Although Caitlyn was only 13, she was still the least immature sister you could get.
“Okay,” she was still crying. “I’ll be waiting for you,”
I’ll be waiting for you.
I ran out of the office and looked for Ellyn. She was a few months older than me, and made sense why she had a driving license and I didn’t.
“Why do you look like you’ve just seen a ghost?” she turned to me.
“Can I hitch a ride? Sarah won’t be picking me up today,”
“What’s wrong?”
“Tom’s dead,” I paused before saying. It was hard for me, too. I couldn’t imagine how Sarah was taking it. Ellyn was as shocked as I was.
“What are you waiting for? Get your bags and dump them in my trunk,” she said.
We started on the way home. We used to live a few houses away, so it was really convenient. Sarah, Caitlyn and I used to go over to Ellyn’s on Saturdays before Sarah and Thomas got married and bought the house right across Ellyn’s. After that, Ellyn, Caitlyn and I spent much more time together.
On the way back I thought about a lot of things. My first heartbreak - by a guy named Todd, don’t ask about him anymore, he’s a total jerk – my first mistake, my firsts. Sarah was always there along the way, since our parents died a few years ago. Sarah quit school to find a job although our parents left us some money and the house. She wanted to take care of us. She was our sister, and our mother. Sarah helped me through my most difficult times, and I knew this was a chance to make it up to her.
I planned what I would do or say, with Ellyn driving at the wheel. We arrived at my door at 5 sharp but she couldn’t park the car in the garage as Bridgette’s was already there. Bridgette came every weekend to our house, and she was Sarah’s best friend from high school. Ellyn dropped me off and went over to her garage to park the car, while I burst into the house.
There Sarah was at the kitchen, washing dishes. She always did that whenever she was unhappy, saying that it could help her take her mind off things. Caitlyn was nowhere to be found, though. Sarah saw me, and I went over to give her a hug. Although we had an age gap of 7 years, we were still the closest sisters, not forgetting Caitlyn, and to her, there was no difference between an adult and a teenager. She treated everyone the same.
She grabbed me so tight, I thought I would suffocate. She had her ponytail pulled back, and now she started to cry again. I didn’t blame her, I mean, her husband just died like that.
“Hush now, Sarah,” I assured her again. “Everything will be fine, ok? I promise. I’ll be here with you.”
And you know something? All the words I planned on saying in the car – all of them seemed to have found a hole in my brain and slid away. But I didn’t care. I would learn how to, but Sarah needed me most, not my words. Not my sooth. Sarah needed me, Rachel Lachey.
Sarah Lachey needed me.
It sounded like a weird taste in my mouth at first, but when I was hugging her in the living room, I couldn’t have felt much better about anything I had to say. This was it.
♥ Thursday, July 20, 2006
All it Takes (:
It was the last day of band camp, and the farewell party had just ended. Strains of Mariah Carey still floated around the dancing hall. The past two weeks were a smash, what with me trying to wake my best friend, Ellyn up in the morning–she’s not really a great fan of early-wakers–and crossing a river with water that looked like milo, only it was far grosser than milo.
And it was when Ellyn and I were hanging around with the usual bunch of guitarists who we spent mornings practicing with, as well as last night’s concert–Catherine, Allyson and Queenie-when our camp counselor Mrs Kesley came over and whisked me into her office.
“ Your elder sister is on the line, ” she said, rather annoyed, with her old German accent. I heard she was from there anyway, but it was true she had an accent.
I was rather excited for a minute. But I didn’t get why Sarah, you know, of all people, on account that she’s 23, decided to play such a prank on me. Mrs Kesley was known to stare at campers who have phone calls to the office, probably so that we’ll actually feel guilty and put down the phone quick and not waste her money to buy more of those Barbie dolls I happened to chance upon in her room.
But whatever. I wasn’t going to feel guilty.
But then again, apparently, Mrs Kesley DOES stare at campers when they’re talking on the phone, even if your sister is already a 23 year old legally mature adult.
“ Hello? ” I called.
“ Rachel? ” she said after a long pause. I couldn’t be sure if she had been crying, but it sounded so, I swear. So that’s when I started to ignore Mrs Kesley’s stare.
“ Yeah. What’s wrong? ”
Another pause. A sniff. Something was definitely wrong.
“ Can you come home? Right now? ”
“ Of course, Sarah. Today’s the last day of camp, remember? What happened? ” I assured her.
A long pause, longer than any of the two. She started crying.
“ Tom, ” she managed to mutter. “ He’s…gone, Rachel. He’s gone, ”
I was about to ask her where, when it finally dawned on me. I can’t believe I was so stupid to even want to ask that question. As reality sank in I stood there, with the receiver in my hands, a gazillion thoughts rushing into my head. Thomas – her husband; my brother-in-law, the only man in the house – was dead.
“ Oh my God. It can’t be, Sarah. It can’t be, ” I said.
The crying continued. Mrs Kesley got tired of waiting, but I didn’t care. She didn’t know what was happening. How could she have stood there looking at her watch when my sister’s closest person was dead? It was not true. He couldn’t have died. NO way. It’s impossible.
“ Where’s Caitlyn? Stay with her, ok? Don’t do something you and I don’t like. I’m coming home. Right now, ” I said firmly. Although Caitlyn was only 13, she was still the least immature sister you could get.
“ Okay, ” she was still crying. “ I’ll be waiting for you, ”
I’ll be waiting for you.
I ran out of the office and looked for Ellyn. She was a few months older than me, and made sense why she had a driving license and I didn’t.
“ Why do you look like you’ve just seen a ghost? ” she turned to me.
“ Can I hitch a ride? Sarah won’t be picking me up today, ”
“ What’s wrong? ”
“ Tom’s dead, ” I paused before saying. It was hard for me, too. I couldn’t imagine how Sarah was taking it. Ellyn was as shocked as I was.
“ What are you waiting for? Get your bags and dump them in my trunk, ” she said.
We started on the way home. We used to live a few houses away, so it was really convenient. Sarah, Caitlyn and I used to go over to Ellyn’s on Saturdays before Sarah and Thomas got married and bought the house right across Ellyn’s. After that, Ellyn, Caitlyn and I spent much more time together.
On the way back I thought about a lot of things. My first heartbreak - by a guy named Todd, don't ask about him anymore, he’s a total jerk – my first mistake, my firsts. Sarah was always there along the way, since our parents died a few years ago. Sarah quit school to find a job although our parents left us some money and the house. She wanted to take care of us. She was our sister, and our mother. Sarah helped me through my most difficult times, and I knew this was a chance to make it up to her.
I planned what I would do or say, with Ellyn driving at the wheel. We arrived at my door at 5 sharp but she couldn’t park the car in the garage as Bridgette’s was already there. Bridgette came every weekend to our house, and she was Sarah’s best friend from high school. Ellyn dropped me off and went over to her garage to park the car, while I burst into the house.
There Sarah was at the kitchen, washing dishes. She always did that whenever she was unhappy, saying that it could help her take her mind off things. Caitlyn was nowhere to be found, though. Sarah saw me, and I went over to give her a hug. Although we had an age gap of 7 years, we were still the closest sisters, not forgetting Caitlyn, and to her, there was no difference between an adult and a teenager. She treated everyone the same.
She grabbed me so tight, I thought I would suffocate. She had her ponytail pulled back, and now she started to cry again. I didn’t blame her, I mean, her husband just died like that.
“Hush now, Sarah,” I assured her again. “Everything will be fine, ok? I promise. I’ll be here with you.”
And you know something? All the words I planned on saying in the car – all of them seemed to have found a hole in my brain and slid away. But I didn’t care. I would learn how to, but Sarah needed me most, not my words. Not my sooth. Sarah needed me, Rachel Lachey.
Sarah Lachey needed me.
It sounded like a weird taste in my mouth at first, but when I was hugging her in the living room, I couldn’t have felt much better about anything I had to say. This was it.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
♥ Wednesday, July 19, 2006
| You Are An ESFP |
The Artist
You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now).You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children.Simply put, you enjoy bueaty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life.Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs.
You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer. |
Haha. The pediatrician and veterinarian part is not true. I can barely look inside someone's cut, not to mention flesh. Why won't they write me as a counselor instead (!!!!!!!!)
♥ Wednesday, July 19, 2006
| You Are 23 Years Old |
 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
Friendship
♥ Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Friends. Something I can't live without, something I can't die with.I can't imagine life without these people, you know?Reality and its harshness.Fantasy and its simplicity. People say, that friends are the people who will comfort you when you cry; hold you up when your life is falling apart; mend your heart when it is breaking.But no. These are the things which you will learn yourself. What your friend does, is cry with you when you cry; fall with you when your life is falling apart; and break with you, when your heart is breaking.I say this with proof. Is it not true that they cry? Is it not true that they have their own problems? Is it not true that they take a part of themselves to fix you, and by doing that they have deprived themselves, of a part of them?Is it not true, that, they are, afterall, human beings?A friend has feelings.Yes, I agree that you should turn to your friends for help. But ask yourself this - how many times have you been a better friend than your friend is a better one to you? Have you not taken your friend for granted?I thought about this incident that Cheryl was there for me for. I remember walking out of the office, eyes blurred with the tears that had filled up earlier. People stared as me as I walked past them. Their head prefect, their monster, their immune robot; crying. To them, it was the first time. But they didn't know that it was the millionth time for me, since the day I was born. They didn't know, did they? Because they took things for granted. They took me for granted.But Cheryl saw me. She followed me into the bathroom, and waited outside the stall, hesitating as I stayed inside. She didn't know what to do, she didn't know what to say. But it didn't matter. Because her being there for me, is about the most rewarding favour I could ever get out of her. And she would learn, too. About being there for me.Some people you call friends stand by you. Some people you call friends just be there to be there. How many of them actually really help?I always try to patch things up between people after some incident. I'm always labeled as good little Jessica, forever not getting into trouble, forever not skipping class, forever not breaking rules. But let me tell you something. I am a human being. I am a human being, I have my feelings. I have my own troubles, I have my own stress, and I am an average 13 year old teenager. So why is it that some people get it all, when all I get from people is complains. Problems to solve. Difficulties to give advice to. Not that I don't really like counseling - I do it with all my heart, it is about my dream - but they should understand me. Asking me something when they know I also am falling apart is bout another thing.Yet, I continue to be there for them. Because if I'm not there for them, who's going to be there?
Sunday, July 09, 2006
♥ Sunday, July 09, 2006
I HAVE BEEN TAGGED. -.-Golden Rules:[x] Do the following WITHOUT complaint.[x] Choose 5 person to do this after you completed yours.[x] Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say he/she have been tagged.[x] Start your post with "I have been tagged!" then do this.Your 10 Favourites::Favourite Colour -- black;purple;green;blueFavourite Food -- everything including chocolate.Favourite Song -- BREAKING FREE. dont love you no more.happy ending.Favourite Movie -- high school musical (lolol)Favourite Sport -- sitting and waving my hands. (i rely on my fats)Favourite Season -- autumnFavourite Day of the Week -- wednesday and fridayFavourite Ice Cream Flavour -- cookies and cream.Favourite Book -- someone like you,sarah dessen.Favourite anime/cartoon -- tom and jerry lol.9 currents::Current mood -- staying home all day.listening to breaking free.eating ice cream and the 5 boxes of smoked salmon in the fridge.Current clothes -- pyjamas.Current desktop -- some stupid origami picture person.Current toe nail colour -- TRANSPARENT?!Current time -- 12.49pmCurrent Annoyance(s) -- my brother trying to get the answers for his compre from me and my dad bugging me online.Current thought -- solution to something.Current girlfriend/boyfriend -- lardeedumCurrent book you are reading -- the computer.8 Firsts::First Best Friend -- yieqinFirst Crush -- lardeedumFirst Movie -- sleeping beauty ^^First piercing -- ear. i was 4.First lie -- when i realised the taste of chocolate?First music -- popFirst car -- (hoping for that terrier thing lol)First handphone -- Nokia. i forgotLasts::Last cigarette -- i dont.Last drink -- milo for breakfast. i know im late.Last car ride -- a long time. my mom sold the car -_-Last crush -- lardeedumLast movie seen -- erm. high sch musical? lololLast phone call -- jessica tanLast CD played -- high sch musicalHave you evers::Have you ever dated one of you best friends -- does jess tan count?!Have you ever been arrested -- for stealing chocolate from the fridge? yes.Have you ever skinny-dipped -- i am not crazy or sth. go and die lar.Have you ever been on TV -- no. unless im going to be there for chocolate.Have you ever kissed someone you didn't know -- no.5 things you are wearing::1. undergarments2. shirt3. shorts4. scrunchie5. specs4 things you have done today::1. changed water for flowers jt gave me last night.2. played pizzicalto again.3. stayed in bed4. brushed my teeth5. talk.3 things you can hear right now::1. my mom talking to my dad2. my brother asking me for answers.3. GO SHOWER.2 things you can't live without::1. my mom.2. my phone.4 things you do when you are bored::1. sms sms sms sms2. singggg!!3. online.4. find chocolate5 people to do this quiz! ::1. anqi2. jess tan? (do you have a blog?)3. frannie4. mon(dont publish lol)5. ellyn.april got me to do that anyway.I REALLY CANT STAND MY DAD. my god. i dont wanna talk about it.there's just something bugging me recently. but the people are less likely to see this anyway so i'll just talk about it.Something that's hindering me a lot. Sometimes I think about it at night until I can't sleep. And it's not that I'm at fault, or I lied or something. You're the one supposedly to be at fault for lying to me. You didn't tell me even though I trusted you. I thought it was a mutual thing. I guess it just wasn't like that.But I can't do it. I just can't tell you that I know already. Because maybe you'll get hurt. I don't want you to get hurt. But I'm still human, you know. I can't turn a blind eye to something important like this. But I don't know how you feel. You never told me about it. Maybe you don't feel like telling me about it? But aren't you lying to me?I give up. Maybe I'll tell you when I think I should. I don't want to hurt you. But does that mean I have to hurt myself? Maybe I should just leave it and then hurt myself. Because it's better to hurt myself than to hurt you.so complicated. whatever. i'll just see.
