I LOVE NEVER GONE! The lyrics all relate so perfectly true.

The things we did, the things we said
Keep coming back to me and make me smile again
You showed me how to face the truth
Everything that's good in me I owe to you

Though the distance that's between us
Now may seem to be too far
It will never seperate us
Deep inside I know you are

Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life (yeah)
Never gone

No no no
I walk alone these empty streets
There is not a second you're not here with me
The love you gave, the grace you've shown
Will always give me strength and be my cornerstone

(Somehow)
Somehow you found a way
To see the best I have in me
As long as time goes on
I swear to you that you will be

Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close (always close)
Everyday (everyday)
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life (in my life yeah)

Never gone from me
If there's one thing I believe (I believe)
I will see you somewhere down the road again

Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close (always close)
Everyday (everyday)
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye (yeah yeah)
I know you will be forever in my life (in my life)

Never gone, never far
In my heart (in my heart is where) is where you are (you are)
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way

Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are



YAY! Please do know that.

I'm suddenly having a very heavy mood swing.
I don't know why. Tienli's talking to me, but I don't feel like replying her. I'm sorry Tienli, it's not your fault.
It's just, the feeling. The same one that kills inside to feel, the same one that stays when I'm having the time of my life, and it won't go away, no matter what I do, however long I wait. It stays, and it hurts so bad.
I'm not in the mood to do anything right now. It seems like the things I've been trying to forget are coming back all to me, like how the water goes back to the sea, and it will never stop going. It feels as though I can't live through a night like this, like I'd die without my blog, like I'd die without some people I couldn't live without.
I'm lapsing into depression, and I don't know why. A minute ago I was okay, I was laughing, I was thinking of funny stuff. A minute later I'm like this, I feel like dying, like the blood in me isn't running anymore, like my lungs are going to fail me the moment I try to breathe, because there's no oxygen left in the air for me to breathe.
And it hurts so much inside to know that, I cannot live without you.

Quite a lot of stuff have been happening these days.
First there's my gram getting admitted into the hospital. And then my stupid flight got delayed, missing school. Chocolate's fifth string broke. Things I've been trying to forget about, coming back to me again. There's so much more to do, homework, bs stuff, and all the other extra stuff for school that just sucks so bad. Plus tests are coming up soon.
These days I feel like dying, almost. I work so hard, from morning til night, and the same cycle repeats all over and over again, but I don't understand what I'm working for. Grades, yes, but after grades there isn't anything else. Perhaps, to less my mother's worries. But in the end there isn't really anything else I get. I have become immune to people telling me, oh you're good in studies, from my results. It doesn't really matter if people praise me anymore, it doesn't really matter if I become oen of the best anymore, school just seems like an everyday thing, something I have to do, not what I want to do.
And it seems like my body's taking the toll. I'm drained, physically and emotionally, my back kills, my hands hurt, my brain doesn't work anymore, my mind isn't very conscious. It's like I'm a zombie walking around saying hi and telling people that I'm okay.
I don't even know what's the point of blogging anymore.
my memory space is exhausted, I can't think, I can't breathe inside, Everything's compressed, there's no more space for anything else, and it just sucks, like that, like life was only meant for work.
I don't even want to think about it anymore.
Life just sucks.

Well, people. I'm still pissed about the Lufthansa thing.
My flight was supposed to be on tuesday, leaving jakarta at 8.10, which is 9.10 in singapore, and then arriving in singapore at about 11 (sgp time) and so reaching home at around midnight.
And *@&#^!*&#%@^&$@&#*@$#^%@#*, the plane's speedometer was damaged. So they said they had to wait for the spare part to be flown in from singapore, and installed, and then the tester machine had to be flown in frrom somewhere else. The captain came out to speak to the ANGRY SARUM MOB and explained that the plane would be delayed for AT LEAST FOUR HOURS. It was NOT CONFIRMED to fly after four hours/more.
@^@)&$^&@*)#^@*&T$*@)&^#(*@^$*&$*@&^$@)&*^$&!!!!!!!!!!%$#$#$*&@^$*%@#$%*^&%!^$@!#!$%!&%*^%$%!@$!
So I'd fly from jakarta at around 1.30sgp time, and reach about 3am, and reach home and sleep at about 5 and wake up 50 minuts later to go to school.
HOW FUN HUH.
IFF it even flies.
And so me and mom who were already very tired by then handling my grandmother at the hospital, went up to the desk and asked if we could change the flight. and this very pleased-to-help-you ground crew said that ALL seats on ALL airlines and ALL planes have been FULLY BOOKED FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS.
&^@$%@&!^#(%!(#%^^$^@$#%^$#%^$#^%@$#^%@$^%@$@^%$#^%@$^%!!!!!!!!!
we were deciding on whether to wait or go home, cos if it doesnt fly we both know we'll be pissed at lufthansa forever. in the end my mom was like, FORGET IT MAN, and i was like, get another seat business class or something.
and SOMEHOW my clever mother managed to find two seats for us for this afternoon's flight. We didn't take lufthansa though. we flew business class! at an economy rate :D paid for by lufthansa.
AHAHAHAHAHAH.
oh well. i have to go clean the house and to the doctor and a lot of stuff. bye.

I'm not afraid to die.
I suppose not only I have thought about death; where we die, why we die, when we die. Undoubtly, there comes a time when we all have to be buried under soil, our only companion a stone, or if we're lucky, a rose. And of course, everyone fears that day to come. Everyone wants to run away from the angel of death, and continue living their lives and never die. Everyone wishes for immortality.
Although, of course, there are disadvantages to death - no doubt - there are advantages too. I'm not saying that you should go to the casino now, run up a huge pile of debts and then jump down the building. That is an act of utmost stupidity and shame, not to mention cowardly. I'm saying, that death can bring you free of troubles, as well as those around you, who love you. It's not easy to know whether living is the right decision to choose sometimes; from the stress, from the complications, and from everything else that comes your way.
A year ago I might have said that death is a scary thing. But after the loss of some people close to me, after the absence of some people I thought I couldn't live without - death is nothing but a momentarily absence from the world, and they will be reunited through death in the afterlife. Death is something that comes and goes, like the wind, it blows and then it's a breeze, and then it dies down. It is the same with death and grief, no? The wind and all its greatness that can be counted upon to bring relief, as with death; The wind will die down, the grief will settle as that dust would, and the living would continue living the life they were, a person less.
People live for different reasons. For the businessmen, it's the money; for the independent. it's themselves; for the lucky, it's their loved ones. But when you're faced with the cliff of death, you forget about the money. You forget about the independence. You take away the love but you die anyway, because miracles don't happen. When you die, you just die. What happens afterwards is none of your choice.
I live for the people who would rather die to see me die. Sadly, I'm not an independent, I'm not a businesswoman - I purely live for the people who love me, for the day where true love will come and take me away, from the troubles of the world, and all its mercenary purposes. I live for those who think that they'd rather take my place when I die. I live for my family and friends, and the love they give me each and every single second, to keep me going.
I do not believe in any God. Not yet, at least. Maybe in the future I will, but not now. I don't have any idea what happens after I die, but I choose to believe in stories, that I will be up in the sky shining as a star, to tell all the people I love that I love them so. It doesn't seem right, but until the day I die, I'll believe in that, because I believe that true love exists, somewhere out there, and every one of us can find it if we try hard enough, if we believe hard enough.
And that someday, true love will come unto each and single one of us, and make us feel like the most blessed person in the whole wide world.

I cant write long, I have two pairs of eyes watching me.
Just to say that I'm not dead yet. I wanted to blog about something but I can't do it now cos they're staring at me like cats would stare at sardines.
Okay well bye.
I'm just pissed at lufthansa for the four hour delay actually.

To all my lovely friends who are concerned; yes I have arrived safely in Jakarta. I have not been drowned in some random flood. :D
So. Today was CNY celebs! School was absolutely cute, and OH MY GOD MS WONG YOU ARE MY IDOLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) SHE SANG LIKE AN ANGEL! AAAAAAAAAAAAA. AND SHE PLAYED THE GUITAR LIKE AN ANGEL TOO!!!!!!!!!!! AND AND AND I THINK THE GUITAR IS THE EXACT SAME MODEL AS MINE.
AAAAAAAAAAAA. AND SHE PLAYS SO WELL AND I PLAY SO BAD.
AWMAN.
I feel inferior now. Boohoohoohoo. But the celebs were quite fun actually! Which is something for me to hardly agree. I don't know, I was hyper and all today. Oh well. GO MS WONGGGG ((:
Well, after that we went back afterall, although I had to rush for a flight, and it was so cool! Jess my bucket and kanice and charis and baohui and daniel and james and wayne and keng whye and alston and huixin and of course yingting. i think there are some more, it's just that i will have a longlonglonglong list of ands. :D so i shall not bother! but yieqin couldnt come. aww.
okay, i know i am so not talking like me. :D i cant help it, im a tad too hyper.
so. so so so so. where was i. yes. so we stood around and i hugged my bucket and we talked and met the juniors, last years batch. i am OVERWHELMED by the number of people i know. :D OH NO STOP BEING HYPER JESSICA. BECAUSE WHEN YOU GET HYPER YOU GET LAME.
hmmmmm. and then we stodd around, and we couldnt stand waiting, so we went upstairs to find mdm mok. mwaha. and ahahha she was there the second time we went, and we totally forgot about the cookies, so jess and yingting and i ran downstairs to get it, and YINGTING CAN RUN. -.- BOOHOOHOOHOO. but i cant be blamed my back hurts anyway :D AND. while we were coming up, this security guard saw us! ): i was disappointed but i was trying to press open in a very very very slowwwwwwwww speed, and so the lift when up instead. mwahahha. so we ran to mdm mok and then the security found us ): and we all had to go. )):
but we went to greatworld, and i met fran and kris on the way!
and i hugged fran. i like hugs :D
oh well. then we went to kfc, im surprised at how they dont jaywalk, its funny (: but ah well.
im sleepy. pokey needs rest. goodnight!

HAPPY VALENTINES YOU ALL!
I can't believe I lived through today. Immersing myself in homework and stuff.
But bucket came finally : D I have been daoing her too (:
okay i have a chinese and history essay, so bye guys!

THIS QUIZ LOOKS BLOODY FUN!
[information]

1. Name: Jessica Juwono
2. Birthdate: 21st june 93
3. Birthday; monday
4. Hobbies: IMing, blogging, music.
5. Horoscope: I think I'm a Gemini.
6. Zodiac: Rooster
7. Gemstone: Pearl (this is WEIRD. a pearl is not a stone)
8. CCA : RVnetball and RGe!
9. School: rivervalley, and raffles!
10. School house: RICHARDSON :D
11. Screen Name: -jessica some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.

[my skin!]

12. Hair Colour: black-brown. i think i have natural dark brown highlights under the first black layer.
13. Hair Style: PUNY LAYERING. long.
14. Eye Colour: black.
15. Height: 168 (:
16. Braces: nah.
17. Glasses: half framed.
18. Piercings: ears.
19. Tattoos: nah.
20. Righty or Lefty: right.
21. Fingernail: LONG. CHOCOLATE I LOVE YOU.

[firsts]

22. First Best Friend: UM UM UM UM ISABEL!
23. First Boyfriend: MY DAD. HAHAHA.
24. First Sport You Joined: swimming.
25. First Pet: nah. i love horses : D
26. First Real Vacation: europe? not really. i think san frans and vancouver!
27. First Concert: HAHA RGE!
28. First Kiss: my mom. AHAHAHA.

[preferences]

29. Movie: you do NOT want me to list all of that.
30. TV Programme: channel 55! disney.
31. Colour: blue purple.
32. Singer: hudgens, lavigne, craig david, clarkson
33. Band: mcfly, westlife, simple plan
34. Song Right Now: OH OH OH THE ROSE.
35. Friend: shall not say.
36. Sweet: CHUPA CHUP. AHAHAH.
37. Sport to Play: NETBALLLLLLLL.
38. Restaurant: sushi tei. thai village. THE GRILL.
39. Favourite Brand: for what, clothes? ESPRIT.
40. Store: ESPRIT. AHAHAH.
41. School Subject: um um um ENGLISH MAN!
42. Animal: dogs, horses.
43. Book: the truth about forever.
44. Magazine: teenage! seventeen. 8 days.
45. Shoes: matches with my top.

[random]

46. Feeling: sleepy
47. Single or Taken: i shall say single.
48. Have a Crush: not really.
49. Eating: air.
50. Drinking: water vapour :D
51. Typing: ditto.
52. Online: through my other email.
53. Listening To: WESTLIFE, THE ROSE.
54. Thinking About: math assignment.
55. Wanting To: sms bucket but no disturbing.
56. Watching: me typing?
57. Wearing: raffles tee, school pants :D

[future]

58. Want Kids: YEAHH.
59. Want to be Married: YEAHH.
60. Careers in Mind: psychologist, kindergarten teacher.
61. Where Do You Want To Live: SAN FRANCISCO!
62. Car: anything that's a five seater. CANNOT BE IN SHINY COLOURS I.E. YELLOW OR LIME GREEN.

[guys]

63. Hair Colour: blackbrowns
64. Hair Length: -.- shortt.
65. Eye Colour: HAZEL. AHAHHAHA.
66. Measurements: 174 and above.
67. Cute or Sexy: nah. NICE.
68. Lips or Eyes: can i not say this?
69. Hugs or Kisses: depends
70. Short or Tall: TALLTALLTALL.
71. Easygoing or Serious: easy going duh.
72. Romantic or Spontaneous: depends
73. Fatty or Skinny: average.
74. Sensitive or Loud: sensitive.
75. Hook-up or Relationship: relationship
76. Sweet or Caring: caring.
77. Bad Boi or Good Boi: depends.

[have you evers]

78. Kissed a Stranger: nah.
79. Had Alcohol: yeah
80. Smoked: nah. i hate the smell.
81. Ran Away From Home: DO YOU COUNT BS AS RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME.
82. Broken a Bone: what do you call my back now?
83. Got an X-ray: TWICE. FOUR PICTURES.
84. Been With Someone: kinda.
85. Broke Someone's Heart: dont know. dont think so.
86. Broke Up With Someone: yeah.
87. Cried When Someone Died: yeah.
88. Cried At School: yeah.

[beliefs]

89. God: im still deciding.
90. Miracles: um, yeh but it never happens.
91. Love At First Sight: yeah.
92. Ghosts: yeah! ):
93. Aliens: yeah ! ):
94. Soul Mates: YEAHHH.
95. Heaven: yeah. kinda sorta maybe.
96. Hell: YEAH ):
97. Angels: YEAH.
98. Kissing on The First Date: not really.
99. Horoscopes: not if its good. : D

OKAY WOW I BELIEVE IN A LOT OF STUFF.

[truths]

100. Is There Someone You Want But You Know You Can't Have? kinda sorta maybe.
101. Is There Someone You Want But Afraid To Let Him Know? kinda sorta maybe.

adios!

I finally understand why people in movies always mistake INDIGESTION with PREGNANCY.
That's because I practically threw up every single thing I ate. It's bloody irritating okay, when you have to bend over your back, which is already hurt so there is NO WAY i can bend it some more, and then lean forward and wait for the puke to come out and into the toilet bowl. And I can tell you, oh my god, I felt NAUSEOUS.
I understand what you mean now, Mon.
And I just realised why, it was partly because of the brace, but then it was also because of indigestion. -.- because last night for dinner I ate a triple dinner -.- i had a very fulling chicken chop at the food court, and then I came home and I forgot to eat medicine and realised it an hour later, and my stomach cannot stand a single ounce of gastric acid. THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING INSIDE. And the medicine is pretty strong. So anyway, I heated up a bowl of porridge, and I CONSUMED it. Okay, consumed sounds wrong. ATE it. Okay. And then after that, my Gram brought a whole portion of Beef with rice, which she says I should eat it because she can't finish. And apparently that was my THIRD dinner.
So there you go. Hello indigestion.
And I have puked out every single ounce of consumable substance and now I am HUNGRY.But I shall wait for the time to eat my medicine, and then eat something before eating it. Or I will end up having indigestion again, and then continue on this cycle of indigestion :D
CYCLE OF INDIGESTION SOUNDS WRONG.
I don't know why I'm hyper suddenly. It's kind of contradictory. I'm quite unhappy these days, things haven't been going smoothly, and tomorrow is Valentine's/Friendship day, and I totally distanced with my bucket. Boohoohoo. She's having exams so i guess the only thing I can do is wait. But I cannot cannot absolutely cannot have a minute of silence tomorrow. I must be very hyper, and act hyper too, and so no one will ever suspect :D
This is stupid, I am PUBLISHIG THIS THING. Whatever.
I will probably stay at home to do something which takes up all of my energy and time and every else. Maybe I can go peel every single grape I find in the fridge :D or kill all the cockroaches in the house, if there are. Or something equally very lame.
Ouch my back hurts from puking.
I KNOW THIS ISN'T MAKING ANY SENSE HERE, BUT BEAR WITH ME. I am trying to be constructive to blow the stuff i need to do by tmrw away.
1) Math WS 6
2) Math Assignment (I don't think I can do this by today, if I sit some more my back will kill me)
3) Jianbao

Which, if you notice, consist of the subjects I do not like most.
IM HAVING A CRAVING FOR BUTTER RICE AND DEEP FRIED CHICKEN!!! I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING INDIGESTION HERE?!
No more foooodd!!
I notice I'm being very lame now.
It's just that I don't feel like doing all those stuff yet without being able to SIT for long periods of time. I hope my disk and ligament can go away or something. And stuff grapes in as their substitutes :D
OKAY WHAT IS IT WITH ME AND GRAPES. Brain, promise me you'll work after 7 minutes. Which will be 8.55. Okay?
Oh no, I just realised that I have to write letters to my mortals to wish them happy vday too. Ohman. Why do I have so many mortals? I need INDIVIDUAL LETTERS. Man.
And pamela doesn't reply me ><
):
pokey is sad. pokey will come back later. or tomorrow. pokey's back hurts. pokey is indigested.
pokey says bye bye.

The doctor's trip was bloody amusing.
OH AND I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE RECEPTIONISTS. One of them was from rg! They were so friendly and nice! Yay I'll see them after CNY, cos i need to go back for a check up anyway. Well, we went there, it was at mount elizabeth, and then after seeing my neurologist he asked me to go down and take xrays. i am scared of xrays, although ive already done it before. cos it kills all my cells, and im just scared of cancer. boohoohoo.
anyway, so i went down, and i waited for a lonngggg time, before i finally had to go in the room. and on the way there, there was this male nurse leading the way, and he was holding my card of particulars, like name and age and stuff, and he asked me to go in this room, and there was a lady nurse asking about the time of the month to which i replied appropriately. (HAHAHA)
and then a few seconds later he came into the room, and he confirmed once that i certify that i am not pregnant (you're not pregnant, right? NO im not) and then one more time (how old are you now? fourteen this year) and then they had to make me read through this brochure on how xrays can affect gestation. -.- and i had to SIGN IT. which feels sooo wrongggg. my god. the whole brochure was about INFORMATION.
anyway, it turned out that i had to take four xrays, not one. -.-
and then i was trying to get a taxi to get home myself, and no taxi would come to paragon and there was a long queue, i was first in line though. but this lady behind, she asked if i minded if we shared a cab, and i said no cos she was in a hurry anyway, and i ahve nothing to lose, because there is no way she can be a perverted old woman, right? oh, she paid half of the taxi fare, yay.
and we FINALLY got a taxi, oh my god i swear my back was going to just break apart and die, and we got in. so we talked in the taxi. AND. guess what was the first question she asked me. okay i'll just do it as a dialogue. SCREENPLAY!

DAY
janet: do you have kids?
me: *LOOKS AT HER WITH BEWILDERMENT* NO I DONT.
janet: really? *look surprised* you look familiar, what's your husband's surname?
me: *LOOKS EVEN MORE BEWILDERED* UM, IM NOT MARRIED.
janet: really? *LOOKS IN BEWILDERMENT TOO*
me: IM STILL A STUDENT.
janet: no, you look really familiar, oh, where have i seen you before, i remember it was at this dinner... *keeps thinking*
me: *-.-* im still studying, at rgs.
janet: *LOOKS VERY BEWILDERED AND SURPRISED* REALLY?!
me: -.-
janet: well, you do look like the lady i saw at this dinner, though... *keeps thinking*

-.- SO. CAN YOU SEE HOW OLD I LOOK.
COME TO THINK OF IT I SHOULD HAVE JUST LIED TO HER. AHAHAHAH. LIKE, I HAVE FIVE KIDS, AND MY HUSBAND'S SURNAME IS MOOOO.
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.
IM SO AMUSED.
EVEN WITH MY BACK HALF BROKEN.
IM STILL SO AMUSED BY JANET.
SHE LIVES IN VANCOUVER.
AAAA ISNT THAT JUST SO COOL.
BUT I AM NOT MARRIED!

okay. cool down, mrs moooo. cool down or mr moooo will moo.
OMG IM SO LAME.
okay im goign to do mathss. cos my back just DIES from one day of school, my back's so tired it cant even sit man.
okay bye!

LOVE, MRS MOOOO.

Hey again.
You see, there is nothing I can do except for blogging, because I cannot move because the bone feels like it's going to come off when I move. So the only thing I can do on my bed is to use the computer or sleep. And I have slept enough. So my only other option is to blog. Because I cannot stand the silence. I think too much without any noise.
I realise that I have been on a blogging spree these few days. I think youve realised that too. Cus if you haven't then you are just plain dumb. Mwaha.
I'm so bored. Really bored. Meanwhile I shall talk more about my back. I think it's the scoliosis problem, plus the fact that I lay in the wrong position, and so I sprained it. I was lying on my tummy using the computer, and then when i tried to get up I couldn't cos it hurt all the way to my legs, I think (Oh my God!) it hit the nerves. Or something. Hopefully not. I just went for my check up early last month.
So now, it hurts when I
1) move
2) walk
3) bend my back
4) take my belt off.
5) sit upright without any support

By right, the fourth one should be gooood, because it helps me lose weight.
But! I can't eat with it. Cos it compresses my tummy so much ): April has reminded me and threatened that I cannot touch Chocolate today and rest in bed, and my Mom has said that I have to lie down straight on my bed, because that puts less pressure on the bone compared to other positions, e.g sitting straight. Which just explains why I cannot sit straight.
Okay that doesn't make any sense. Actually it does. But whatever. I'm so bored. I'm really really really bored. I went online to this baby website and I finally understand what mon means when she said xavier was cruising lik, four months ago -.- yes. but anyway, now he can walk and stuff, and therefore we can explain the reason for smearing chocolate all over her bedroom! (:
okay, well, im going over to the doctor soon, so i'll talk to you later :D

ohman! i was going to everyone's blog to tell them im changing my url, and then i chanced upon miranda's quiz and it sounded fun so im going to do it. talk about the spinal cord injuring my brain's nervous system.

how often do you lie?
um, pretty often when i have to.
are you a good liar?
yes. ahahaha.
do you get away with it?
most of the time. told ya im goood.
what's the most horrible lie you've ever told?
ahaha! i forgot! um, that i was studying in the library when i went out with my friends at great world city!
what's the most stupid lie you've ever told?
OH OH OH OH OH i told jess' brother that if he kept irritating jess while we were talking the boogeyman would come after him. : D but then he was going to cry and i told him again that boogeymans dont come after ten year olds, because they're big enough and the boogeymen are scared, because ten year olds can just punch them out of the window even if they come. i am gooooood.
are white lies okay?
yeah, i guess.
what's the last white lie you told?
that my back doesnt hurt when i move, to my grandmother. actually it does.
did you lie a lot when you were younger?
i don't remember. i have short term memory loss.
what about?
um, about saying that i can do my kumon worksheet in 5 mintues when they were repeats, and so i had the answers on the old worksheets.
did you fool your parents?
kinda, until my mom found out :D
have you ever got caught in a lie?
yeah. sad to say, i wasnt good enough yet.
what was it about?
awman. i forgot. usually its just making up random numbers, like telling sara that i have 700 tonnes of worksheets to do, or that there are 17 frogs in my house, or something like that.
do you have a guilty conscience?
i do things that i won't feel guilty about. i don't lie about stuff that are too much.
how can someone tell when you're lying?
when i talk about frogs or exagerrated numbers.

Do you cheat on tests?
tingxies. i love spellings!
Have you ever been caught cheating on a test?
nahhhhhh.
Have you ever caught someone else cheating on a test?
not really. i dont pay attention.
Have you ever cheated on a bf or gf?
nah.
Have you ever been caught cheating on your bf or gf?
-.-
Would you ever cheat on your current bf or gf?
current, future, no.
Would you ever cheat on them with some famous model/actor/actress?
no. duh. actors are flirts :D
What if you were completely sure you would never be caught?
if he was like oudeyang person who didnt show his face. at the first part of his career, i mean.
Have you ever been cheated on?
does betrayal count?

Have you ever stolen before?
yes!
If so, what?
sweets from my brother and some amethyst stones from canada, somehwere on the road. it was shiny!
Do you think stealing is a serious crime?
yes, if you dont count sweets or chocolate or stones.
What would you do if you caught someone stealing from you?
ask why. if he has a valid reason, take my thing back and get him another one. if mine is the only one left in the world and he needs it for his wife's funeral, i'd give it to him. i am GULLIBLE.
Have you ever stolen someone's heart?
UM?! no one goes like, 'YOU HAVE STOLEN MY HEART!' -.- that is just plain retarded.
What was the last thing you stole?
oh. um. um. the pack of ricola from my gram's handbag.
Ever had anything stolen from you?
yeah
If so, what?
my brother stole money form my wallet ):
What is one thing that you would steal if you could get away with it with NO consequences?
a car, a driving license, and someone's heart.

Are you currently in Love?
yeah, i guess.
If so, with who?
you dont need to know this, but MOMMY. :D
When was the last time you were in love?
two days ago.
How long does it take you to fall in love?
not fast and not slow. i just let things go naturally, i mean, its my feelings. they have their own brains, you know. i cant control em. okay this doesnt make sense.
How many times have you really been in love?
twice
Do you think there were times you thought you were in love when you werent?
once. damn you. :D
How fast do you tell a significant other that you love them?
i make sure they say it first :D i am gooood at prompting. and i only sa it when they've said it.
How often do you tell your parents you love them?
every single night!
How often do you tell your bf or gf?
no one goes 'OH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DO YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU? IF YOU DON'T KNOW THEN I'M TELLING YOU NOW I LOVE YOU!!!' -.- OH MY GOD I AM LAME.
Do you tell your friends?
yes! esp my bucket who shivers every single time she hears it -.-
Have you ever said 'I love you' and not meant it?
not really. i take the word as my word.
Have you ever said 'I love you but Im not in Love with you'?
when we played HONEY IF YOU LOVE ME PLEASE SMILE. (: well other than that, yes, for a joke.
Are you a slave to love?
you can say so. i get pretty bad mood swings.
Do you love yourself?
yes! i often treat me to chocolates cant you tell!
What is the best thing about Love?
oh shit, i dont know how to answer this. well, it gets you through times you can't get through. and it occasionallysometimesrarelyseldomly is the greatest thing ever.

im done im going back to sleep. my doctor's is at threeee.
yay i'll get to see the nice receptionist. :D

Oh my God.
I injured my back yesterday, I think I sprained it, but I can't walk. I can move my legs, though. I've been sleeping since morning, and I got very very bored, it hurts when I move though, and the doctor is only available at three.
I talked to the receptionist. I think she's very nice.
I think my spinal cord injured my brain nerves, I am not talking in coherent sentences.
Damn it.
Anyway, I'm just saying that I'll be changing my blog url, after such a long time, to www.theloverose.blogspot.com from friday, 16 feb onwards.
Please remember to relink! Esp lucy chem ruo xi. And please do not link wrongly to some website that talks about 'my gay son max'. Yes.
Remember!
www.theloverose.blogspot.com!
from friday, 16th january onwards.
i think i have given you enough prior notice.
thanks you all.
and thanks to huan ying dorcas april (simmy tienli priscila eunice) (yingting) for asking about me. thanks you a lot you guys.

I shall officially declare that I hate going to Orchard. The following are the reasons for this claim;

1) Transport. Oh my god the transport just sucks if you don't have a car.
2) Popularity. One hour inside Ngee Ann City and you feel like a canned fish.
3) Price. A plain black skirt costs $69.90.
4) Choices. They either have DKNY or some random boutique store which has colourful flowery clothes. Ew.
5) Lack of skirts. I spent 3 hours inside Takashimaya alone and I couldn't find a single skirt which was appealing to the teenage taste. Besides, the miniskirts there (which are already rarely spotted) are too short for my height, because I am tall and therefore my miniskirt is a bit longer than normal. Which Takashimaya obviously doesn't have.

AAAAAAAA. Oh and I have another claim to make.

I shall officially declare, too, that I love Esprit. Below are the reasons for my preference for Esprit;

1) Unlike Takashimaya, their clothes are
(a) appealing
(b) less expensive (compared to Takashimaya's)
(c) of different age groups. This just means that there are SO MUCH MORE stuff for teenagers like me.
(d) not flowery, most of them.
2) Unlike Ngee Ann City, their shops generally
(a) are smaller with a lot of clothes and not like Gucci, or something, which are big shops with only one rack of real stuff.
(b) have more fitting rooms than the departmental store and reduces standing time.
(c) have seats for old grandmas and children to sit and be amused with.
(d) are very much more much more much more interesting.
(e) have less people, so you do not feel like a fish inside a can.
3) Esprit is open at less crowded places compared to Ngee Ann, like Wisma and Great World City. Which, in any case, just means that I can access Esprit with a 2 minute walk from my comfortable apartment.
4) They have nice skirts and pants, which is very useful for me because my lower body is humongous. In any case, they contribute to 60% of my bottoms in the wardrobe.
5) Their shirts are trendy and do not SHRINK or RUN, and they make up, too, 60% of my clothes in my wardrobe.

Yes. Esprit is the love.
Nevermind. Innocent young girls who go to bossini and Takashimaya to shop, I suggest you forget whatever I have written above and do not take offense.

I'm crying. But it will be the last time I cry for you.
Because I've made a decision to leave.
Away from you, away from the strains of you, away from every single thing you remind me of. I don't know if I can do this, I don't know if I have the courage to, but I'll try anyway. I will forget you in time to come, and to me you'll just be a passing cloud that once disrupted my life, and then you're gone. A blow and you're gone to somewhere else you'd rather be.
I can't stop crying. I don't know why. I'm not forced to give you up - it's my own decision to. I want to get away from you, because it's the only way I'll ever learn to be me. I'm a step closer to forgetting you - at the most I'll turn off my phone, delete your name, empty the saved messages, and trade in my phone to a better phone, just to forget you. Because between you and her; I choose her.
I can't write anymore, I'm feeling terrible inside, like a thousand knives just stabbed me, like that, I'm bleeding. But this is for my good.
I will stop crying. I will. Never again will I cry for you, a passing cloud that once disrupted my life, and then you're gone. Because that's what you are and what you're going to be.

I shall do this quiz now. This is my fourth post today.

7 things that make me smile;
1) Seeing happy kids in the park playing with bubbles.
2) RENEE :D
3) no more maths!
4) hang out at greatworld with my bucket.
5) everyone to remember my birthday! i am a selfcentered ego woman :D
6) watch a movie where love is an important issue.
7) for you to say you love me! HAHAHA.

7 ways to win my heart right now;
1) Buy chocolate's fourth string for me!
2) Bring me to where orphanages are.
3) TELL ME YOU WANT TO MIGRATE TO SAN FRANCISCO AFTER YOU GET MARRIED :D
4) Help an old lady and her 2 year old granddaughter cross the road!
5) Bake me cookies for my birthday!
6) Settle my dad for me.
7) Do my math homework for me!

7 things I believe in;
1) one day my true love will come; a love of a highest throne in any kind.
2) i will never like durians.
3) i will become an accomplished psychologist.
4) i will cry everytime i watch moulin rouge.
5) that one day that someone will appear at my door! (not literally i don't want a salesman, unless he is having this survey on what the singaporeans think about children or for the spca)
6) nothing is beautiful in this world.
7) mediocrity will get you nowhere.

7 things I am afraid of that are just BLAH;
1) SCHOOL!
2) bees!
3) RED UNDERWEAR. this is totally random.
4) FISHBALLS.
5) MATH!!!!!
6) dying in my sleep tonight from stomach cancer.
7) bucket being angry with me ):

7 things I do everyday;
1) CONSUME.
2) peeeeeee!
3) do homework.
4) tell chocolate i love her.
5) WORRY, as quoted by mdm mok. i am the great worrier.
6) pass post-it notes to yingting.
7) sleep. DUH.

7 people I want to see right now;
1) BUCKET.
2) mommy.
3) kevin.
4) lord voldemort. mwaha.
5) monica!
6) fransis!
7) YOU. HAHAHAHA.

7 wishes I want to come true;
1) for you to come back and see me! AHAHAHAHA THE YOU THING IS SO ADORABLE.
2) for rs and sl and everything else to be ncie and neat.
3) FIVE DAY WORK WEEK. BAN HOMEWORK ON FRIDAYS.
4) school is OPTIONAL.
5) I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO.
6) have a baby sister! adopted or not are okay.
7) to meet monica on the streets one day.

and. i don't know why i need to tell you this, but it seems that my family's contacts are goood.
for example, my uncle's ex wife, who is my ex-aunt, who i heard loved to play with me when i was a puny little girl and i loved her too, is tung lok group's daughter. tung lok is an international company who owns several big businesses like restaurants and such.
another example is my dad, who manages apple centers in indonesia, knows the apple center manager in singapore. this is highly interesting.
my mom's exboyfriend, who's married now with wife and kids, is our family friend, and he owns bridgestone singapore and some other countries, and he is a gourmet.
my grandma and my real estate agent are on good terms. we are also family friends, and like my mom's exboyfriend we go out for lunch and dinner sometimes and we get free rides from them too. and they all know me and that i live in bs, and everything else. the real estate agent is also divorced, with two daughters and a son, and lives at this tanglin regency condo along alexandra road.
my big uncle owns a salt company, it is making a lot of money and he has a hugeeee office and a biggggg house.
my second uncle owns a plumbing company. he, too, has a hugeeeee office and a bigggggg house.
my dad knows this famous badminton player in indonesia who plays really well.
my dad also knows this famous guitarist whose name i have forgotten and he wanted to take me to see him once but we didnt have time.
my dad's shop is often visited by celebrities of indonesia, like tamara blezinski and this hot guy actor who took a picture with my dad whose name i don't know.
my other uncle also owns a different retail chain of apple shops in indonesia.

okay, i shall not go on and on and on and on and on.
i shall stop now because im going to dinner.

Oh my God I'm feeling the urge to blog again. This time I'm listing all the people who I have spoken to before. I know, lame. But whatever. This list excludes family.

{rgs}
april.priscilla.rachelsim.racheltan.rachelang.tienli.jessicachan.eunicegoh. eunicechiam.yujia.huanying.yingting.anqi.kathryn.brenda.ruoxi.huanying.
chelsea.cherylg.cherylkoh.cherylchan.cherylho.amelia.dorcas.duxuan.joey.
julia.krystal.joanna.danetta.weixin.yutan.qianyu.shiharn.charlotte.wenyan. nataliekoh.natalieong.sandra.jenny.samatha.xiaoting.jolyn.liting.huizi. kathy.huiyi.jovina.hannah.eleanor.magdalene.xinle.celeste.miranda. eenette.zann.yiling.gillian.sarah.amanda.jiaying.xueshan.kristie.sylvia. michelle.janine.khaingzin.berenice.priya.yingyue.zhenling.grace.anna. feibi.celeste.rebecca.shiying.lisa.fangting.wenxin.tricia.jovenna.renci.kelly. PLUS A LOT A LOT IM TIRED OF REMEMBERING SHIT.

{rv}
nicole.jamie.kanice.jessicatan.yieqin.florence.xiaowei.baohui.huixin.lyn. rebecca.mungyu.lihong.charis.alston.daniel.edmund.bryan.brandon. chonhei.alastair.kengwhye.gordon.zhunsong.walter.joonguan.lukmeng. wayne.jiansheng.jasper.yuhao.manfred.yohanes.qinghua.jared.weilun. guiliang.jonathanvoon.junhao.jonathanleong. I CANT REMEMBER TWO MORE GUYS. fransis.kristal.meien.huishan.andre.denise. amandapoon.jason.annie.cherylgan.janice.shiqi.PLUS THE WHOLE LONG LIST OF PB'05.christina.jolyn.dongshuen.peiling.evelyn.amanda.victoria.cherying. sherisa.vanessa.zena.fiona.huijia.jacelyn.grace.joey.jermayne. and all the other netball juniors and seniors whose names I CANT REMEMBER. im so sorry people.
THERE HAS TO BE MOREEEEEEE. WHY AM I LAZY TO REMEMBER.

{outside}
lucy.cherntze.kaini.zihui.chuinyin.zoe.jasmine.peisan.MRS LIM'S DAUGHTER AAAAA SO CUTE. and mrs lee's sons (although this is supposed to be in the rv section and counted that i only saw james when he was two days old, yeah sure)

I CANT THINK ANYMORE. BRAIN EXHAUSTION.

IM TIRED OF REMEMBERING MANN. there are a lottttttttttttttttttttttttttttt more but im just lazy to write everything down. :D

Hello all I'm on a song spree. Here are the lyrics to all my lovely songs that I put up there using radioblog.

Look What You've Done - Jet (You're Beautiful)

Take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you.
Cos all that's left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to prove
Oh, look what you've done,
You've made a fool of everyone.
Oh, well, it seems like such fun until you lose what you have won.
Give me back my point of view cos I just can't think for you.
I can hardly hear you say,
What should I do, well you choose.
Oh, look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone.
Oh, well, it seems like such fun until you lose what you have won.
Oh, look what you've done,
You've made a fool of everyone.

Take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you.
Cos all that's left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to prove
Oh, look what you've done,
You've made a fool of everyone.
Oh, well, it seems like such fun until you lose what you have won.
Oh, look what you've done,
You've made a fool of everyone.
Fool of everyone.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes - Disney (Disneymania 4)
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep.
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for you keep.
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through.
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small.
Alone in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all.
You wait in the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you.
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true.

When you can dream then you can start.
A dream is a wish you make with your heart.
When you can dream then you can start.
A dream is a wish you make with your heart.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep.
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep.
You wait in the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you.
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true.
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true.

When you can dream then you can start.
A dream is a wish you make with your heart.
When you can dream then you can start.
A dream is a wish you make with your heart.

The Rose - Westlife (The Love)

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower
and you it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
Its the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
That cannot seem to give.
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long.
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong.
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow,
Lies the seed that with the sun's love,
In the spring, becomes a rose.

Cinderella - The Cheetah Girls (Cheetah Girls' Soundtrack)

When I was just a little girl,
My mama used to tuck me into bed,
And she'd read me a story.
It always was about a princess in distress
And how a guy would save her
And end up with the glory.

I'd lie in bed
And think about
The person that I wanted to be,
Then one day I realized
That fairy tale life wasn’t for me.

I don’t wanna be like Cinderella,
Sitting in a dark, cold, dusty cellar,
Waiting for somebody to come and set me free.
I don’t wanna be like someone waiting
For a handsome prince to come and save me
Oh, no, will survive,
Unless somebody’s on my side.
Don’t wanna be
No, no, no one else.
I’d rather rescue myself.

I can slay (I can slay) my own dragons.
I can dream my own dreams.
My knight in shining armor is me.
So I'm gonna set me free.

I don’t wanna be like Cinderella,
Sitting in a dark, cold, dusty cellar,
Waiting for somebody to come and set me free.
I don’t wanna be like someone waiting
For a handsome prince to come and save me
Oh, no, will survive,
Unless somebody’s on my side.

I don’t wanna be like Cinderella,
Sitting in a dark, cold, dusty cellar,
Waiting for somebody to come and set me free.
I don’t wanna be like someone waiting
For a handsome prince to come and save me
Oh, no, will survive,
Unless somebody’s on my side.
Don’t wanna be
No, no, no one else.
I’d rather rescue myself.

Bubble wrap - Mcfly (Motion in the Ocean)

I wish I could bubble wrap my heart,
In case I fall and break apart,
I'm not God, I can't change the stars,
And I don't know if there's life on Mars,
But I know you're hurt,
People that you love and those who care for you,
I want nothing to do with the things you're going through.

This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm
A broken man who's finally realised.
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.

I'm a little dazed and confused,
Cos life's a bitch, and so are you.
All my days have turned into nights,
'Cause living without, without, without you in my life.
And you wrote the book on how to be a liar,
And lose all your friends,
Did I mean nothing at all?
Was I just another ghost that's been in your bed?

'Cause this is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm
A broken man who's finally realised.
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.

Yeah!
Turn on the radio honey,
'Cause every single sad song you'll be able to relate!
This one I dedicate.
Whoa oh!
Don't get all emotional baby,
You can never talk to me, you're unable to communicate!

This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm
A broken man who's finally realised.

This is the last time,
I give up this heart of mine,
I'm telling you that I'm
A broken man who's finally realised.
You're standing in moonlight,
But you're black on the inside,
Who do you think you are to cry?
This is goodbye.

Okay. I'm done. Every single sad song you'll be able to relate. I think I'll be blogging a lot this week. Watch out on my readership meter.

I am having mixed feelings right now. I'm going to blog longg.
On one side I want to be hyper and babble on about how I've been and life so far, as a sucky sec 2. On the other I need to be melancholic about my bucket, because I can say that I am quite pissed with her. Plus the fact that Chocolate's fourth string broke again. Nothing good happens whenever she breaks.
Right now I'm getting this whole shiver down my body, the way it does when I'm going to cry. I don't know why, either. It seems like that everytime I think about these problems I start to feel like crying. I don't understand why bucket won't talk to me like she did merely a week ago. I don't understand why you have to go and make it worse, because I know we might finish this soon. I don't understand why I'm not complaining about life, and all that, now. I don't understand why Chocolate's fourth string broke.
Maybe it's because of the sudden prolonged outside temperature of the classroom, which was airconed and made my strings shrink and then the pressure was too great on the knobs and so my string broke. I know factual stuff like that. But it doesn't give me the sense of accomplishment that I need to have. Knowing factual stuff doesn't mean I know the stuff that I need to know.
Blogging gets me thinking. Bucket, if you are reading this; Is it because of my post, about you being my bucket, and how I don't want to hurt you - so you're trying to shrink yourself as my bucket, btu it doesn't work that way. Be it my best friend, or not; be it talking to me, or not; you'll always be my bucket.
I just realised that is a possibiity. But bucket, stop doing this. I'm getting pissed. Not at you, at him. One day I'm going to have leukemia, and by that time it'd be too late to love me.
And you. You have to make things worse. I called you just now. You picked up the phone, said hello four times, and hung up, the way you'd hung up on me a thousand times before, you thought hanging up on me another time wouldn't make any difference. But it did. I know I can't blame you; you don't know it was me. But only if you had listened a little closer, said hello a little longer; you would have known that it was the person who risked her self for you. She changed partly because of you. If you had listened a little closer, you would have heard my aircon blow, my clock ticking away noisily, like I'd told you it did. You would have known if you paid attention. But you didn't. DIdn't know and neither paid attention to things like that.
Bloody hell. I don't feel like blogging anymore.

Since Tienli has posted about her ideal guy from our convo today, I shall too. :D
You can see that I am having bad mood swings. I am hyper one minute and depressed another. But who cares. Now I am smiling. Because I finished my homework at 8.52 :D
Anyway, guys!

1) MUST BE NICE. i don't mind you helping old ladies to cross the road :D
2) MUST LOVE AND BE GOOD WITH CHILDREN. any child. i don't want a woodblock daddy.
3) CAN COOK MACARONI. i have cravings!
4) TALLER THAN ME. preferably 174 or taller!
5) SAME OR ABOVE MY MATURITY LEVEL. by saying this i dont mean i want a fifty year old guy. maturity, guys, maturity.
6) CAN HANDLE MY DAD. someone polite and patient enough to stand my dad and all his unreasonability (is that a word?)
7) DOES NOT LOOK DOWN ON MY BROTHER. i'd stomp on the guy's foot if he did that.
8) DOES NOT DISREGARD MY FREEDOM/SOCIAL LIFE. i am hot tempered so don't obstruct my social life or the next day you'll get a bruised eye.
9) IS NOT A FAN OF VIOLENCE. a gentleman only uses his fists when absolutely necessary.
10) MUST BE LOYAL. loyalty is the key to winning a woman's heart.
11) CANNOT BE A BORING NERDISH WOODBLOCK. be creative, guys! no more high socks!
12) MUST LOVE ME with all his heart. i ain't need no jerk.

Well, actually I have tons more but whatever.
Adios.

I love Chocolate.
There are so many things of mine to be loved; my bed, vanilla (my mac), garlic bread (my ipod), julia (my toy piggy, named after my cousin), maya (my husky doll), my phone (i have yet to give it a wacky name) but most of all, I love my guitar.
Not just because of her name, either. It's tempting but I know I don't love her for her name, neither the sound she makes, neither her unsolid top which makes my fourth string break all the time. I just realised how much I love her recently. Like Monday. When Ms Ong asked who wants to get a new one, and my first reaction was, no i'm not selling chocolate for another guitar who hasnt known what im like.
Of course, that new guitar is more expensive, with a solid top and a shiny coat (I think) and is all the way from some europe country or something. It'll be newer, without the cracks on Chocolate like those she has now. It'll probably have a louder and more dynamic and nicer sound than what Chocolate has right now. It will probably be better than Chocolate in every single way. But I know I won't sell Chocolate away.
Because it is that unsolid top, which made me learn that I have to take care of what I love. It is that unshiny coat which says that judging a guitar by its coat is irrational. It is the cracks which show the carelessness on my part, the cracks which show that I learn what I learn, because these cracks were made while I was learning. Learning to love, learning to care. Learning that love comes in many different forms and loving a cracked up old soft unsolid top guitar is perfectly alright.
People find me kind of weird. Because the guitar WAS once alive and now it is NOT alive. But I don't see any difference. They think it's weird that I give names to dead stuff, that I love something that's dead, but the point isn't about it being dead or alive. My love, for Chocolate, is like the love I have for you. I know it won't be reciprocated (well sometimes chocolate plays me a good mozart singing tune) but I go on loving her anyway. It's like you know you won't get anything before you even start but you start anyway and you see through it no matter what. That's what real courage is.
(oh no, that's from tkmb. oh man oh man stupid atticus)
My mom asked me why I love Chocolate so much. That's a good question. I don't know how to answer that. I guess I have no reasons to love, because loving has no reason. That's funny. Guess you could say it's weird. But although it may sound wrong at the start, but after a while you get used to it, and you finally understand what is it with me and loving unalive stuff.
Because at least I get to love.
It is a pain to not love. And it is a pain to love.
Oh gosh I am contradictory. Very contradictory. But it's true. When you're not loving you wish you were loving and when you are you wish you weren't. I never used to believe in romance novels. I don't know what changed my mindset. I guess it was love which fell on me. You never know until you sit in another's skin and walk around in it.
(stupid atticus!)
It is similar with love. And love is similar to loving Chocolate. A lot of people will think that loving a piece of wood, which is what Chocolate is to you, but I call your words crap. Because they don't know yet what it is like to love, because when you love you love with all your heart, and you don't expect anything in return from the love that you give out.
Because that is what love is.

I went to clarke quay in the evening, and I just realised I never knew how much I missed you.

Perhaps I've been too busy with school, and home, to think so much. To really find out who I'd want to be beside. Of course, it's hard to know. Actually, I don't really get it. I haven't thought through the person I really want to be with. I don't think it's pressing, though. I'm still fourteen afterall. I don't need that much stuff to think about. I don't need that much stiff to be thought through now. I know I'll learn and someday I will find out what I need to know, solve what I need to solve.

But when I looked over at the water from the esplanade; I wished you were with me talking, laughing, commenting on how beautiful the scenery was. When I saw the people snapping pictures; I wished we were, too. When I felt the cold breeze; I wished you were there to pass me your jacket, and pretend that you weren't cold when your hairs were actually standing on end. And when I felt myself breaking, I wished you were there to take me into your arms and do nothing but hold me close and never let go.

I know I might sound selfish, but I want you back. I wish I could return to our old days where I could ring you up any time I needed you to talk, and you would listen, and the way you knew every single thing that was wrong, the way you knew what I wanted just by the look in my eyes, or just by the sound of my voice. I can't believe how much I've been lying to myself, I can't believe how I didn't realise how much I needed you in my life.

Until today. I guess it takes an astonishing scenery, the sound of the waters, a Meg Cabot cook, and one of my best friends to do make me realise that you aren't here anymore. My cousin is one of the people whom I fight with, say sorry to each other, and then live like nothing's happened before. She's like a best friend that I meet once in two years, and who sleepsover at my room and we talk til 3 in the morning laughing about potatoes and dragons.

But it wasn't the same. She didn't take off her jacket and give it to me when the breeze blew so hard and I felt like I was going to be swept off my feet. She didn't take the initiative to hold my hand like you did, on the pretext of keeping me warm. She never was there to hold me like I was her life. She didn't laugh the way you did.

She wasn't you.

The place just made it worse. I saw that restaurant. I saw that table where we sat and ate, and winced and drank and laughed and joked with sara. I saw that dock where we boarded the river boat to the esplanade. And I was sitting on that dock where we sat, I was on that ledge where we held hands and hummed a song no one knew. I was on that platform where we watched the sun go down and the rock back play. I remember everything, and I wasn't okay.

Because you weren't there with me.

I'm sorry to say this, but I want you back. I need you back here with me like you were last year, to help me find the words to speak, to help me keep myself after all the changes that I've made. I need you to tell me when I'm wrong, I need sneakouts to our usual place, I need you to watch tv with me, I need you in every lunch, every dinner.

I need you every minute I breathe in.

But I guess it's too late to turn back now. Because apparently it is my fault, afterall, that we are like this.

And I know I'm sorry. I hope you know I'm sorry too.

Thank God it's friday.
I mean it this week, man. Slogging is literally a part of my life. For this week, at least. And I have a feeling that its going to be so for the whole year. Stupid work.
Anyway. There was something which happened which totally dampened my friday spirits, but I guess I'm living with this. Staying pissed but telling myself whatever will be, you know? Learn to let go and then live with it, and not trying to avoid it, to go miles out of the way just to hide away from something you've decided to let go. That's what true courage is.
Shit, tkmb is getting into my head.
BOO BOO. I need to go. I'm sorry. Will update a long one soon I promise.

i’m jessica
but you can call me jem
210693
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