Something happened that made my day today, and I love deanie.
Deanie loves me too! (Hopefully) I'm sorry for the whole iPod thing deeeeaaaaaan!
Thanks for today!

Shit. The past week or so I've been saving drafts. Loads of it. And I never got to finish them cause every day I get interested in a different thing, either I'm too busy with crying while watching Tarzan or Cheetah Girls or Mulan 2, or I bury myself in math which I don't understand, or I start talking to my mom and never stop. The cycle goes on and on and on.

But there was this line Chanel (suay name, remember lit group on the crime scene thing?) said that got me bawling, and all that. I am a complete sucker for anything that relates to my mom, or love, or friendship, I just sit on the floor and start crying, towel in tow. I just can't control myself. Call it the hormones, or the mood swings, but I just totally flip out and start tearing. My eyes grow red and all.

It's really embarrassing if my mom called in the middle of the movie, or something, cause I'll be crying really bad and she'd think I was having another of my breakdowns again.

But I've learnt so much more: That forever isn't real. Forever, is taking all there is in the moment, to make the best of it, to make you love life. Forever may not exist, forever may be until this moment, but we take the plunge all the same. We still love the people around us like we did before, if not all the more. We take the plunge. Admit it, y'all. We do.

And admit that forever doesn't exist. Trust me, it doesn't.

Oh man. I want to start singing hallelujah and stuff like that. I spent the whole afternoon on the phone and msn without doing any work, and I spent every night watching DCOM, which gets me sappy and all, and oh man I'm not making good use of my time!

I'm going back to my old form! I have to come back to work.

Oh. Well. I'm still giddy and all when I think about our honours, MAN do I love rgge. My midyears are coming so I won't be blogging very often these days. My parents'll probably be bringing us to San Franc, or something, and then they can go re-honeymooning while my brother and I stay at Starbucks and drink, or something. I can't wait, though, cause I miss the place already.

I'm trying to get them to rent a van which HAS A TOILET so we don't need to get hotels, that's so cool. AHAHA. I'm going a bit haywire already. Shit. I'm not even talking like how I do.

More stuff. My wordpress blog is dying. Rah. I think I should just shut it down for the time being until I'm ready to write. :D

Okay. Gotta run and do some real work (hopefully, please, conscience, work against my heart!) until it's time to talk to my mommy!

So here we stand
In our secret place
With the sound of the crowd
So far away
You take my hand
It feels like home
We both understand
It's where we belong

So how do I say?
Do I say goodbye?
We both have our dreams
We both wanna fly
So let's take tonight
To carry us through
The lonely times

I'll always look back
As I walk away
This memory
Will last for eternity
And all of our tears
Will be lost in the rain
When I've found my way
Back to your arms again
But until that day
You know you are
The queen of my heart

Queen of my heart

So let's take tonight
And never let go
While dancing we'll kiss
Like there's no tomorrow
As the stars sparkle down
Like a diamond ring
I'll treasure this moment
Till we meet again

But no matter how far
(Matter how far)
Or where you may be
(Where you may be)
I just close my eyes
(I just close my eyes)
And you're in my dreams
And there you will be
Until we meet

Oh yeah
You're the
Queen of my heart
(Of my heart)
No matter
How many years it takes
(Queen of my heart)
I'll give it all to you
Oh yeah
(Queen of my heart)
Oh yes you are
The queen of my heart

Countless people think that it's okay not to have a best friend. Others think that having to recognise your best friend is silly, it's stupid, it's juvenile.

But it's not.

My best friend has seen me through the darkest period of my life. She stood with me when the storms uprooted the trees of rationality, she lived through the teenage angst that grew in place, and then she uprooted the weeds again and planted back trees of wisdom. She gave me seeds to sow, she fixed everything there was to fix, and she fixed me as much as ever brand new.

My best friend renewed the courage in me that I lost during the rain, somehow, as the trees started to loom all around me and I felt too tired to carry on with this battle against Mother Courage. She gave me a drink, a burger, and she led me on my first mile until she felt that I was strong enough to carry on alone, and then she let me go my own way.

My best friend found that bit of goodness in my soul and she tore it apart and put it back again. She hurt me once, but she put it back for me so that I would know. She gave me a listening ear, a hug, and an apology, and she was always there for me when I needed her positivity and love. She made me laugh, she made me cry, she made me feel like a best friend, she
made me love her.

And I do.

She gave me so many things, and yet I did nothing in return. I didn't return her the fruits I reaped, I didn't fix the things in her life, and I never gave her back my wisdom. I never made her a different person.

I never gave her courage to do things, I never gave her a soda and neither a spring roll, and I never led her on her first mile.
She had always done it her way, her own special way, and somehow, things just worked out. She never complained and she never gave up, on herself and on me. She always told me that I could do it, she always gave me that burst of energy unknowingly, from her love and her care and the support she gives me.

But yet I can only do one thing for her. I can only find that goodness in her soul and tear it apart and put it back again. I can hurt her, and I can apologise to let her know that I love her no matter what. I can give her two listening ears, a thousand hugs, and a million apologies. I can always be there for her when she needs me. I can make her laugh, cry and make her feel like a best friend.

I can tell her that I love her.

And that is the reason why I tell her that every single day, as my eyelids start to droop and the exhaustion starts to sink in and I lie down on the bed waiting for yet another day; as I bury myself in the pile of homework and start doing them like a bull; as I wait for her to finish her work though I suck at that; as I try to stay awake until she falls asleep; as I listen to her talk and hang up before she falls asleep. I tell her that I love her.

I say those three words with every word meaning as true as ever every day, I say goodnight with the thought of knowing that we'd see each other again the next day, I call her my best friend because I mean it, and best friends understand. Best friends understand when you break down after a while and malfunction for a few days. Best friends support you when you feel lower than the floor. Best friends hug you with all their might for as long as they can, and they whisper in your ear and tell you that they will always be there.

And they will.

For so many unspeakable reasons I love my best friend for being her, I love my best friend for loving me, I love my best friend for making me laugh, and cry, and not minding when I go all wacky and lame, I love my best friend for no reason at all, because I don't need a reason to love my best friend.

Because I love her, and that's the only reason I find acceptable for loving her.

Like all the other posts about the honours today, I'm going to say the same thing.

We. Did. It.
Raffles guitar ensemble, w.e d.i.d i.t.
We earned our honours.
We earned Ms Khoo's praise.
We earned a reputation.
We earned what we deserved to after months of hard work and hell practices.
We earned our honours.

The moment I woke up this morning I felt so excited there wasn't a minute I could sleep some more, so I woke up and washed my hair and practiced once and I left for school telling myself that my ensemble can do it. I told myself that Chocolate could do it, and Mocha and Latte and Cappucino, and rgge can all do it.
We can do it together. For all their efforts the seniors have put in, for all the time and practices together sitting there and playing as an ensemble, for always being late for coming back from breaks, for working extra hard and extra practices, we finally, finally did it.

And the taste of victory feels extra good. I can't describe to you how happy I was; my excitement hasn't worn off, though. I don't think it ever will, and I know that I'll remember this day as we cheered and screamed and squealed and jumped and pranced about, hugging each other, crying for joy and for all the hard work we have put in and knowing that they have all been paid back. I won't forget april 19th 07, even two years down the road when i'm a senior and i stand in front of all the juniors telling them about my story.

Our story. The story that only rge can tell, the story that only as members of this shared committee we understand, and the feeling only us as givers of this love, for the instrument we love most and the music and the people, can understand and be touched deeply in our hearts because we know that the judges have reciprocated our love for the music that we play, for the music that comes out from the sound holes of our guitars and that the sweat and moulting was sacrificed satisfyingly.

I'm so excited I'm not even speaking coherently.

Shit!

I SHALL STOP WITH THE CALM AND COMPOSURE.

I'M JUST ELATED THAT WE HAVE OUR HONOURS AFTER SO MANY MONTHS OF HARD WORK AND I WANT TO TELL EVERYONE THAT MR CHUA IS THE BEST CONDUCTOR EVER AND THAT RGGE is my ultimate love.

Not forgetting, Chocolate, who has never, ever, let me down.

SYF is tomorrow, and I am feeling it.

The stress, the music, and the love that all the members of RGE'06 and '07 has for us and for the instrument we all love.

Our guitars, the ones who have brought us through hell practices, the ones who've made some of us pluck out strands and strand of hair at times, the ones whom we love and cherish so for all that it's worth, the ones who I give names to.

I don't know if I'm ready yet, but I know Chocolate is. I recognise that much strength and I have that much faith in that strength of my guitar. I know her strings feel like snapping altogether already, after those hours of practices and the tension, and the stress. But I know that she'll keep holding on.

Cause she knows we'll make it through and she wants to be there with us all through tomorrow. She wants to let me play the pieces which she probably has memorised it by now, and fingering along with me as I do the rest strokes, free strokes, strumming, tremolo-ing and whacking on the strings. She'd probably complain by now if she could, and I take that much pride in telling everyone that 'that's my guitar and her name is Chocolate', and I wouldn't trade anything for her. Even if one day she breaks apart, throwing her away is not an option.

I'm playing her for her tomorrow.

And the people. April, Pris, Simmy, and all of RGE, all the people who take SYF as though it was their life, from the seniors who taught me the songs (Ying Jie, Dora, Gracia, not forgetting Yufang) to the batchmates who have worked and sweated and blistered and moulted (yes, MOULTED) the skin on their fingers, to the seniors who so hardworkingly scrutinised and memorised the pieces, to Ms Ong for coming down to watch us, to Mr Chua's efforts and hard work; that feeling of gratefulness will never leave me.

And today, to Ms Sylvia Khoo for brava-ing us, and the pep talk from the chairpersons and yingjie and zhengpei, and the small audiences at the mini-amphi. To Bucket and Kevin and Monica for all their love and life and support, and my dad for always being there for me, and my mom who so fervently wished me good luck.

All these people bring me confidence, and adding up to the confidence I have in Chocolate and myself, it can just do wonders. It can make me memorise all the notes and play it on without even thinking, it can make me sing the pieces in the bathroom, or the ladies, or the bus, everywhere. It can make me practice for hours without caring about moulting, or how much homework I have on hand, or whether people are waiting for me.

I get lost in the sound of Chocolate, of music, of the music that brought us all together.

Everytime I play La or Mozart I think of the conversationalists. About yesterday's fight, about the crying, about the movie marathons and each recess. And I realise that I love them more, much more than I thought I did. On the verge of losing two best friends yesterday was a good lesson. It let me feel that much of hurt the other was feeling; I don't know why I cried, I was seeing Pris cry and then April was cring so heartbreakingly and she was saying something and I just started crying, I wanted everything to be okay again and I wanted them to understand that it's not just them who are heartbroken - I was too. I wanted them to know that I know what it's like to be on sucky terms with their best friends, and I wanted them to know that I felt it too.

And well, Simmy just cried after I started crying, and we were a mass of crying people. Okay, only four. And I would really, really, really love to say thanks to Xiner and Zhengpei and Liting as well as Wenyan, for yesterday. Really, I don't think we could have lived, I wouldn't stop crying, and if I didn't Simmy probly wouldn't have either.

Aw, Simmy was hilarious.

Anyway, my point is, that I love Raffles Girls School Guitar Ensemble 2007. I love each and everyone of the members, even if they're not participating in SYF, or anything like that, but I just love them for being part of RGGE.

I have faith in Chocolate, and I know she'll do me proud.

I'll be playing for y'all tomorrow.

I might be swiching over to wordpress! so then, you guys have to RELINK again. it'll be at www.flytherunway.wordpress.com
YAY!

Time For Me To Fly - Jonas Brothers

I've been wasting my time
I've been losing my mind
I've been running races
Still don't know what I've been chasing
But my eyes still can see
Bluer skies that wait for me
And I'm on my way

Time for me to fly
Time for me to soar
Time for me to open up my heart and knock on heavens door
Time for me to live
It's time for me to sing
Time for me to lay down all my worries and I'll spread my wings
Time for me to fly

The earth can be a heavy ride
When the clouds are in your eyes
But I feel a calling
I will rise, I won't be falling
And I'll escape the gravity
And I'll reach my destiny
And I'll fly away

The gates of heaven will open wide
I will be
I will rise
There won't be compromise
As I take to the open skies

I will fly away.

Come to think of it, growing up sucks.
The breakdowns, the angst, the hormones, the heartbreaks, the school stuff, the friendship, the fitting in.
And most importantly, the self exploration.

"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, I'll do what it takes, til I touch the sky,
I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway."

I'm surprised at the ease at which I let my imagination run wild, the comfort at which I look for things within myself. When I explore myself and let go of my boundaries and comfort zones and just let my thoughts fly away, wherever they may choose to be. When I start to find out things about myself and learn about me all over again, each time growing wiser, cleverer, more understanding; When I let my inner child take over; I explore me.

And for all that exploration I actually grow.

It sounds boring at first, but when you get to it, it actually feels kind of good. You feel this sense of accomplishment, like you've learnt something by yourself, learning to see things in a new way.

Take a chance. Make a change, for once, and make a wish.

One day, you'll finally breakaway.

Because I've done it.

SURPRISE SURPRISE.
I took this test on some website on what my major should be and ta-da!

Psychology 92%

English 92%

Linguistics 83%

Journalism 83%

Anthropology 75%

Dance 67%

Engineering 67%

Mathematics 67%

Sociology 67%

Philosophy 67%

Theater 67%

Art 50%

Biology 42%

Chemistry 8%

There we go, ladies and gentlemen, English or Psychology! According to my wishes.
The website is http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=119158
I took it from Tienli's blog. :D

Five minutes ago, I had every intention to pack all of my things and move back to Jakarta with my Chinese xiao lian bi right in front of me undone, a basket of unironed clothes and muscles aching at every movement I make.
I read that post yufang gave to us on her blog. And it was no small thing. It hit something inside me that's probably never been hit before, something only someone as inspiring as a senior could do.
And I asked myself, why can't I do it? Why can't I do it like Yufang does? I can do it, and I am going to. I'm going to turn up in school tomorrow regardless of the degree of pain my muscles give me, I'm going to sit for every other test like they were my life, and I'm going to become an expert in guitar and reading notes, and everything else that I do, without my mom. I can do anything anyone else with a home can do.
Because I'm doing it for people.
I'm going to take each test for my mom. I'm going to play chocolate for bucket and april and pris and simmy, I'm going to finish my geog pt for yingting and kathy and miranda, I'm going to do my homework for fransis, I'm going to get over guys for monica. I'm going to stop eating chocolates for my brother, I'm going to stop spending so much time on the computer for my grandmother, and I'm going to start swimming and napfa and physio and everything else. For yufang.

For the person who told me that I can do anything.

Some girls are fair
Some are jolly and fit
Some have a well-bred air
Or a well-honed wit

Each one's a jewel
With a singular shine
A work of art
With it's own rare design

Dear little girl,
You are terribly blessed
But it's your heart of gold
I love the best

And that will always be your crowning glory
Your whole life through
It'll always be your crowning glory
The most glorious part of you

Some boys can waltz
Some guys can groove
Strike an elegant pose
With the really hip clothes
Some seem to have no faults
But we never like those
No we don't
He'll praise your eyes
Your melodious laugh
Call you more lovely than others by half
The one who's right
My gorgeous prince
Will be honest and true
He'll believe in me too
And prize your heart of gold the way I do

He'll know that that will be your crowning glory your whole life through
Your love will see that it's your crowning glory
The most glorious part of you.

And that will be your crowning glory
Darling when they tell your story
They'll call your heart of gold your crowning glory
The most glorious part of you

And that will be your crowning glory,
The most glorious part of you.

I'm currently in the Princess Diaries craze.
For some reason I don't know.
And I've rewatched Princess Diaries 2 5 times since Friday night.
Because I just realised that I love it so much.
(Not counting the fact that Anne Hathaway and Chris Pine are hot)
Because the theme is to follow your heart wherever it takes you.

Yeah. Have to get ready for the concert tomorrow. Gotta run.

Out.

Long time no blog, yeah? Apologies.
Have you ever thought of all the reasons two people together in love would break up for?
Yesterday I made a decision, and I don't know if it's right or wrong. I did something a million people wouldn't have done, I did something, that wasn't what I wanted, willingly.
And that feeling is like, that shot of alcohol that goes into my wound, going deep down, deep down, deep down, and it leaves me with unbearable pain as it diminishes. It's like that touch of acid that flows in my blood which goes into the heart but being strong for it because I know it's for the best, even if it's not the best for me. It's like that swiss army knife which pierces right deep in my flesh but staying alive because I'm doing so for you.
Have you ever tried that? Letting go? It's hard, but it makes you stronger.
Anything that doesn't kill just makes you stronger.
Hopefully.

i’m jessica
but you can call me jem
210693
fifteen
rvian
rafflesian
sph
nygbs
rgge

loves Jesus,
jessica tan,
netball,
gilmore girls,
fridays,
english,
guitars,
blue,
jack johnson,
and her latest craze john mayer

rivervalley
jess . fran . krist . daniel . marilyn . nadia . joey . anqi . charis . xiaowei . lyn . walter . huixin . weilun . jiansheng . nic . mon . six'a ohfive. cherylgan.

bs&out
lucy . kaini . cherntze . zihui . sarah . jeanice one . jeanice two . jocelyn . claudia .

raffles06
pris . simmy . ellyn . tien . yufang . danetta . priya . qianyu . jenny . natalie . liting . cheryl ng . racheltan . wenyan . eunice . huizi . huanying . oneohfour'oh six .

raffles07
anqi . berenice . cherylkoh . cherylchan . eenette . ellie . jessica chan . jiaying . jovina . kathy . khaingzin . miranda . sylvia . wanshuen .

& CHATTER

& MEMORIES

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