oh, cause you won't listen

Sunday, March 30, 2008

♥ Sunday, March 30, 2008

Third round and last because I am too lazy.

TNGY! I took this unknowingly but she looks PRETTY.

Again my posing skills are horrible but this is April who sent me off at the airport she is L-O-V-E-L-Y!! We went to Popeyes and ate THE BESTEST BROWNIES IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, EVER.

Okay random picture of my brother being dumb.

Spells L-O-V-E. I look chubby but WHATEVER <3

And the next picture I am only doing once and only once I will never show you a picture of myself alone ever again so embarrassing but;

Pris took this while we were at Carl's Jr and I didn't know, I was listening to April and I HAVE EYEBAGS >:(

Yay okay farrr too lazy to do some more and they all look horrible (me, at least) so I shall not humiliate myself ;D

Nightttt (:

♥ Sunday, March 30, 2008

Part two of the camwhoring!

Simmy April Priya! At Wisma where we met Lucy Chen and her friends while shopping at Topshop and I WANT THAT WHITE SHIRT SOMEONE GET IT FOR ME PLEASE!

Oh anyway we were talking about how the fish tank used to amuse us hahahah!

April and Pris! At Carl's Jr which Pris had to get lost to finally found sigh the blur queen. But we camwhored there as well I felt so zilian I swear the guy in purple behind them was like giving us weird looks.

Pril Pris and me HAHAHAHAH I told you I'm not photogenic pril's being normal Pris is trying to look wise and I am trying to look like Dracula yeah.

AW IT'S BLUR THAT'S THE VIEW FROM MY NEW ROOM! The sunset was incredible.

And this is my new room! it's smaller but a lot nicer than my old one look at the wall it's so cool! The previous owner used this as the nursery, his baby was an infant -.- But nonetheless my table so suits it please!

Kay next.

♥ Sunday, March 30, 2008

HELLO I AM HERE WITH VERY LOVELY PICTURES!

Hahahahhahah I camwhored oh yes I did shut up.

I look funny in this picture - I look funny in ALL pictures - but then again I'm not the focus here the focus is ELLIE BELLIE NOR NOR who's right beside me she is so cute right! Picture taken by Tngy, while the three of us were pigging out at the CJ Korean bbq place at Centrepoint! Ellie's mom treated us how cool right we had ginseng chicken HAHAHA.

OKAY WHEN WE FIRST SAW THE PICTURE EL TOOK WE WERE LAUGHING LIKE SHIT I honestly did not know I was wearing that face -.- Cause Tngy was holding the spoon right in front of her and looking at it as a matter-of-factly and I was just like o.O thus the face. But whatever. Classic ;D

ELLIE BELLIE NOR NOR. She's pretty right right right I know la ;D Hello you Kiwi let's go to NZ in June!

AH MY LOVELY BREAKFAST PEOPLE! Krist, Fran. In school uniform hoho they are adorable lil kids.

I find this picture increasingly funny my two best friends but cause they didn't let us take it inside the building -.- so we had to stand by the road and take turn to take pictures wth! Anyway, Tngy, Jess.

Blogger allows me five pictures -.- wait kay another round coming soon.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

♥ Saturday, March 29, 2008

Hello I am here to tell you that ELLIE BELLIE NOR NOR LOVES ME ;D

I swear, the girl was like whining her way through the whole conversation when I was at the gate at the airport. It's so funny I should have recorded it and put it into the movie for IT quote,"Jessssiiicccaaaaaaaaa aaaaaeeeeehhhhh! I misssss youuuuu I missss youuuuu aeeeehhh!"

And repeated that probably every second. She's too cute.

Okay people owe me things and I owe people things tngy I just realised I owe you 4.50 will return you NEXT BREAK and you shall return me my book next break as well hmphhh my P.S I Love You!

P.S I love you tngy hahahah that works very well.

I shall tell you about lame, lame tngy. Yesterday I just returned from watching Vantage Point with her and she was all,"Tomorrow will be a better place (quote from my old bedsheet which my mom sold away and I saw it on this channel eight drama! Now I miss it so much it was the best bedsheet I ever had)"

-.-!!

April sent me off today! April is a very cool friend. We went to eat Popeyes - Oh oh!! While I was checking in, she was beside me right and there was this old but nice man behind me and he suddenly told pril in chinese that she was VERY WELL DRESSED *clap your hands!* and asked how old she was.

Which she is. Very well dressed, I mean. Pictures soon, once I get home and find the USB cable and then this page shall die from the overload of pictures! Muahahahah crumble upon the sight of me muahahhaha!

I moved house (Sing) yesterday by the way. Pictures of my new room soon as well.

Okay out ;D

Thursday, March 27, 2008

♥ Thursday, March 27, 2008

I stare up at the stars
I wonder just where you are
You feel a million miles away

I'll need a little more luck than a little bit
Coz' everytime I get stuck, the words won't fit
And everytime that I try I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by
- Tongue Tied

And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life
- Thanks For The Memories

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
I'm here without you baby
- Here Without You

Summer turned to winter
And the snow, it turned to rain
Then the rain turned into tears upon your face
- Lost

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that 'we'
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore

- So Sick Of Love Songs

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.
I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow".

- Yellow

I feel her

Slipping through my fingers,
Now she's gone, I'm sleeping with the light on,
And shocks went through my veins now, that she's gone,
I'm sleeping with the light on.

- Sleeping With The Light On

You know what. I think I'm in love with Coldplay and Busted.

James Bourne is delectable.

♥ Thursday, March 27, 2008

I just finished watching American Idol top ten!

And I have to say this, I think everyone in the top ten (besides Kristy Lee Cook - I'm sorry, besides the fact that she's very adorable and pretty that I agree, I honestly don't like her singing cause even some people I know can sing what she sings as well) deserves a record contract!!!

Do you know. How hot David Archuleta and Cook are!!

And Chikeze sounds so, so romantic. I really mean it. I like everyone in there!

Carly Smithson and Syesha and Brooke White. Are totally good. I swear.

I like Ramiele as well but she's not exactly consistent and Jason Castro bores me a little but he is so cute in that Mexican sense!

I think Michael John overdid it with the lights a little but I guess it made him shine!

But. David Archuleta!!!! AHAHAHAHAH I'm laughing sillily right now.

Okay fine Kristy did good this week. She's good but then the others are much better than her.

But that's just me. So yeah don't blah!

Okay mother screaming gotta go today went out with fran krist jess tngy was a BLAST but I'll tell you a lil while later ;D

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

♥ Tuesday, March 25, 2008

'Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears

I'm having the blues. I think.

Know the feeling, when you think you're over something but you find that you're wrong, you're so so wrong?

Or, when you've just barely started to move on, things come back and haunt you. Again.

Sometimes, I dream about him.

Some nights I don't.

But always, I think of him.

I've found some people in my predicament. So Krist. Pris. Besides for me, this one's to you.

I think it's the same with a sibling. Annoys you, bites you, whines to you, wants your attention, wants attention - kinda like a burden. When he's still there.

But when someone goes it's all these you miss. Know what you miss?

Everything.

I think I've been careful, gingerly treading my path all these while ever since that day. I've made sure I'd done the right things, made sure I'd eat, breathe, live. Because I should. Made sure I worked at math sums and music theory, and made sure I blogged enough to keep this place alive. Made sure my hair was parted, neat - look fine, think fine. And you were.

But it's not about making sure.

Days are only 12 hours in 24. Twelve I try to be okay, to live without him. The other twelve, I just want to sit down and cry.

Like now.

I think you guys feel it too. When you look by the sofa, expecting to see something there, chest heaving, either asleep or pretending to; When you wake up in the morning, late for first feed, rushing to brush your teeth, only remembering you don't have to anymore. When you get a scolding from mom and you run to your room, in tears, expecting the jingle of a collar to follow you. But you don't.

It's in times, like these, when you least expect it. That you miss him all that much.

I think it weirds me out, how people can act like it's all okay in the day. But then again it doesn't as much as it did, right now. Because I think I'm doing it as well.

You could read Chicken Soup for the gazillionth time and still not be prepared for something. You could think of the day for the gabillionth time and still not feel okay.

Because it's not.

Some friends don't understand though we know they mean well. Some friends make it worse. Some friends constantly bring it up, blatantly, thinking getting used to it means nothing wrong. They don't think it's much of a deal, that we'll-get-over-it-soon but it's not about getting over, you know? Just like breathing, it's not about inhaling, exhaling. It's about living and saying to yourself the word and believe it, and not feel like you're short of breath.

I can't bear to look into his eyes when his picture flashes on my desktop, a screensaver, a wallpaper.

It doesn't matter, I still can't bear to look anyway.

Everyone grieves at their own pace, I'm pretty slow I think. But I guess though it's torturous now to keep hearing his name all the time I'm gonna finally breathe mentioning his name, from my own mouth and not crumble, not stop living.

Cause eventually, when someone dies, they get remembered, and missed, and treasured.

It's just sad how no one does that for them right now. Not in the future, but right. Now.

All we've gotta remember is that we've gotta hold on cause we have each other. Then nothing'd really matter anymore, cause in the dead of the night all I've gotta do is say goodnight, and I'd hear, see, in the faintest breeze or the slightest change in the brightness of my eyes, that he'd be listening to me, with that same perk in his face, that wag of his tail - always watching me, my guardian angel.

And I bet. You'd sleep, smiling. Contented. To just see him that one last time.

Cause maybe, just maybe - it's all you ever wanted.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

♥ Sunday, March 23, 2008

I went ktv-ing with tngy today!

Which surprised bwother a lot, evident from the texts:

him: what are you doing at the ktv!

me: singing!? chinese songs!

him: exactly why are you singing chinese songs!

me: i have no idea.

Yeah. Then, while tngy and I were doing math (oh inequations crumble upon the sight of me!):

chee: but math is fun!

tngy: are you from mars!!!!!

Hahahahhaha I think doing math at macdonalds with tngy is very fun.

Anyway, I had a hilarious dream last night. About being a superhero and somebody being the evil one and hahahah weird story not telling.

As ive said my dreams are pretty weird, some include;

1) I owned a koala, I put my koala in the bathroom and there was a tsunami in my bathroom? and then it died yeah.

2) My mom and I are lost at sea, it was raining and there were sharks surrounding us, but then I found an inflatable life jacket in my pocket? And we blew it up with the sharks around us and escaped into a koi pond.

3) I ran around, a giant paper clip trying to crush me.

Very embarrassing, not writing anymore.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

♥ Saturday, March 22, 2008

AM.

IN.

SINGAPORE!!!!!!!

MUAHAHAHAH!!!

I'm so damn happy can! The plane sucked but I was so happy I didn't care I was smiling to myself, oh god! Smiling=good.

Two people have not replied to the news i.e chew and ko but ;D I would say generally that my arrival has made singapore a happier place <3

hahahahha ego boost lucy and sarah are gonna show their diao facesss.

Maybe except bwother cause he was supposed to pick me up at noon at the airport and then! he refused to sleep early and slept at 0600 and overslept and by the time i was getting a cab, he just woke up -.-

wahpiang.

HAHAH you know what i find that word damn funny!

Uh oh yeah you can see I'm reverting to the singlish thing, it's just so natural to be singlish in singapore.

And! I'ma meet brenda somewhere along this week so that's just super duper happy as well kay!

Okay too high, though I just ate like instant noodles (quote bwother, "that's so sad lah!") and like one stick of satay. And, everyone's too busy to bother about me see the schedule:

Tngy - tuition and co concert

Jess - flag day wahpiang (lol!)

Sarah's brb from msn for a longggg time

El's not replying my smses

Pris - church and stuff, for easter.

Sim Pril - home doing nothing i think.

Fran - cip!

Kris - i-forgot-what-she-told-me-yesterday-but-shes-busy-as-well!

And the only one who's talking to me nonstop is my bwother!

And bwother slowly reminds me of thumper from bambi thumper is freaking adorable.

Okay totally out of topic.

GET WELL SOON GAB you have been a great friend and i hope varicella loses to your immunity system you have to conquer the battle haha!!

Kay bye (: gonna find someone UNOCCUPIED.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

♥ Wednesday, March 19, 2008

SCHOOL'S OUT, SCREAM SHOUT!

Good to be chilling out ;D

Yay! Today was the last day of school for this term and once the bell rang Gaby and I were soooo happy we hugged!

After school there was a humongous jam on the road, so we got stuck at the mall. Which was a good thing, actually, cause my mother has a shopping date with me!

So we literally shopped til we dropped, I even found a party gown that's black and is pretty flattering - and it's a lil over the knee so that's perfect length, for me!

Today is an amazing, amazing day. Mostly because I found the dress (have you ANY idea how hard it is to find a short, elegant, flattering on the tummyfat and formal dress?!) but also because WE FINISHED OUR BS PROJECT which means we have successfully COMPOSED a song and recorded it (:

You have no idea how happy I am.

But then, too, another bout of depression.

Sometimes I don't know. I have no idea what I'm doing, sometimes I feel that catch in my breath when I hear your name, sometimes when I lie awake at night I'd always be thinking if I just craned my neck out the door and looked, right now, you'd be there waiting for me, poised, awake, waiting for me.

~~But you're not.~~

And today as I reread my dedications for the book review in the car I just sat there and remembered. Thought. Of me writing that few paragraphs which pretty much summed up the connection between us, thinking that could encompass it but it didn't. That pang in my chest, the lump in my throat, the stab of a knife so deep no amount of medicine can heal - it may sound corny, stupid, but it seems so true, so true.

I don't know how long more this is gonna take man.

It's as if I'm expecting you to just turn up one day, back where I'd find you lying asleep, watching your chest rise and fall - it's as if I've been thinking this has all been a dream, a holiday for you, like you'll finally turn up again one day, that you're just gone for now but not forever.

But I know I can't hang on forever.

~~But you are. and I'm stupid to have not realised that, but I can't help it, I can't help it Babe.~~

I'm hungry. I'ma go find food.

Good luck to all SG people, work hard but don't burn your brains please leave some for my visit (:

And course, PH, happy holidays (:

Can't wait for Singapore, on saturday. Need that desperately and priscilla.

Oh yeah.

Happy birthday honey. I'd love you forever if I could ;D

Sunday, March 16, 2008

♥ Sunday, March 16, 2008

My problem isn't that I miss you,
Cause I don't.

Another random post alert.

Being the music junkie I am, LO AND BEHOLD, MY MUSIC LIST!

Ten must-listen songs and must-read lyrics for those in foolish love;

Maroon 5 - Won't Go Home Without You

Michael Buble - Lost

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel

The Click Five - All I Need Is You

Rihanna - Hate That I Love You

Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight

Take That - Rule The World

Colbie Caillat - Bubbly

Taylor Swift - Our Song

Frankie J - More Than Words

Five for dancing your heart out;

Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous

Rihanna - Please Don't Stop The Music

Fergie - Fergalicious

Aly and AJ - Potential Break-up Song

Rihanna - Lemme Get That

Five for the car;

Bon Jovi - Lost Highway

Carrie Underwood - Jesus Take The Wheel

Enrique Iglesias - Do You Know

JoJo - The High Road

Rihanna - Shut Up and Drive

Five for Disney lovers;

Reflection

Someday

You'll Be In My Heart

Colours Of The Wind

Five on self;

Avril Lavigne - Keep Holding On

Kelly Clarkson - A Moment Like This

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry

Rihanna - Umbrella

Hannah Montana - True Friend

Oh, and, my favourite craze right now - Michael Buble. I'm slow I know shut up but whatever can.

As well, like April, I am in love with Chace Crawford. No, seriously. You've got to see him, if you love Zac, which I do.

You know sometimes I feel like I did something wrong, that it was something about me you didn't like, a part of me that never measured up to what you are. But when you've hurt me and you don't even think twice about it - and weeks later you tell me to go back to your side and whisper sweet nothings into your ear.

I'm sorry. That's never gonna happen.

I figured out,
That you're nothing that I thought you're about,
You're just caught in a place,
In which time will erase in my heart.

You're my type of guy, I guess

If I was stuck in East Northumberland High

for the rest of my life.

But people change.

Thank God I did.

I love Monica Coleman and her beautiful children. Be honoured kay Mo.

♥ Sunday, March 16, 2008

Hello yes I am busy but I wanted to drop by.

I went to an Indian-Christian wedding yesterday. I mean, they are Indians but they are Christians, get it?

Anyway, it was pretty cool. Except the food which was bouncy and spicy and not nice at all, but really who cares I was pretty much so excited to receive a pack of food that wasn't even porridge, which I have been eating for ten straight meals by the way. Touching/seeing/breathing the same air the food was breathing on as well made me happy enough! Oh and also the souvenir they gave, which was a thermometer and made me go ;? but i guess they wanted to convey the theme of feverish love but whatever.

I digress.

The bride cried a lot. No, honestly. When they were thanking their parents and family on the mic, she was crying and I'm telling you it's just heartbreaking. I think I'll be like that as well when I get married.

Which is a very long time from now.

The point is, *cough* I cried along as well.

Okay the thing is, I do not know this Ninu person. She's my brother's tuition teacher's sister. She's the bride okay whatever don't ask me why I went my mom dragged the entire family to the wedding and I'm like okay? So I don't know this Ninu person and her story with Bobby (the groom, who was all charismatic and not crying at all) and when the choir started singing (angelic voices by the way, they were so, so good especially this soloist who started singing oh Mama something something something) and she was thanking her parents and telling them how much she loved them and I just started crying.

Which, of course, I had to hide from my mom.

I really felt it. I really felt her love for her parents and family. It was just there, on her face, like a sign - so blatantly placed, I have no idea how people can NOT cry. I think I have ESP.

Anyway, after that I went for band practice with a lot of people which was very fun and rockedddd.

And I told El and Tngy that I have a band, which is kind of true (I just said that to make them jealous actually) and it worked. They were jealoussss. (HAHAHAHAHAHA HELLO GUYS)

So we started talking about making a band ourselves which is cool okay andddd somehow it led to a date for 28th Friday when I'm still in SINGAPORE WHOO. So friday tngy has CO and El doesn't so Ima pick El up from school and then we're going to Orchard to shop which is super duper cool! After that, we're gonna ask tngy to pick us up from Orchard in a cab and then we're going to my place and they are going to SLEEPOVER.

I am so excited from the thought of this I am jumping in happyness!

Also my dates for Singapore are piling up I have an A402 sleepover on Wednesday night at BS! If Lucy can make it and BS allows me to stay there.

How cool is that I am excited I am jumpingggggg!

Probably bwother and Sarah we should go out sometime I forgot what day you booked me on :\

And JTMMS if you see this we need to plan something, or stay at my place with el and tngy together PLEASE!!!!!!

Okay running off. I just had to convey my happyness ;D

Friday, March 14, 2008

♥ Friday, March 14, 2008

Sickness overwhelms me but I do not want to talk about it.

Today I was lying on my bed and I caught a sliver of something yellow under my mom's bed so I got up the nerve to peek under the bed and fish it out.

The yellow toy that used to just roll around and around and around and have babe chase him around and around and around brought me to the balcony.

I just sat there right in front of his cage and all his stuff sobbing. I swear, it was like losing him all over again.

Meanwhile I don't know why I suddenly have a feverish love for El. No, honestly. She loves me and I love her and she declares her love for me three times a day and I do too ;D

Just a short one today; I'm not feeling well - bye.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

♥ Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I found this in my mail today:

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
“Why are you spending so much time on this one?”
And the Lord answered, “Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
Have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
And able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
Have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
Have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything with only two hands.”
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
“Only two hands!? No way!
And that’s just on the standard model?
That’s too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish.”

But I won’t,” the Lord protested.
“I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.”
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
“But you have made her so soft, Lord.”
“She is soft,” the Lord agreed,
“But I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.”
“Will she be able to think? asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
“Not only will she be able to think,
She will be able to reason and negotiate.”

The angel then noticed something,
And reaching out, touched the woman’s cheek.
“Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.”

“That’s not a leak,”
The Lord corrected,
“Thats a tear!”
“What’s the tear for?” the angel asked.
The Lord said, “The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
Her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
Her loneliness, her grief and her pride.”

The angel was impressed.
“You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing.”

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
But they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
And laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take “no” for an answer
When they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
And cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
Yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
To show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Go womennnnn I'm gonna be your personal cheerleader (:

Monday, March 10, 2008

♥ Monday, March 10, 2008

Random post alert.

I know what I said about windows, but this I have to say again.

You know sometimes, when you feel really fed up and you feel like your head's an inch away to explosion, you really need a break? I also know that a real break for me is considered a month-long paradise in Phuket/other exotic islands with friends and another month without.

But the window's a good alternative otherwise.

I am a strange, strange person. I find joy in standing by the balcony and watching as people scurry to and fro, cars whizzing by and stopping at traffic lights. I feel calm and at peace watching scenery, watching nature work her magic by nurturing a tree from its early roots to its majestic ripe. I feel like I'm living another life, just barely five inches away from my living room, standing out on my balcony with the wind against my face and watching all these lights dot the horizon, telling another story. It just reminds me of how we are all connected, no matter how far apart we are. We're under the same blue sky.

You never think twice about something until you finally have the time to. You always find something refreshing when it's new, not your own. You find any other story better than your own. I don't know but I guess I was following this logic when I tell you I find peace in this view, of silhouettes imprinting the windows against the light of the night, of cars driving past not realising that they are my solace, of another family putting out the light for the night and not realising I'm watching them and feeling the way I do.

Have you ever thought of things like that, that we're connected in a way you can't even imagine?

Maybe some other time when you have a thousand essays, fourteen major projects, eighteen pages of math or a book review due the next day and you feel like your mind can't take any more of work that it's overflowing with desperation - you know, I'm saying maybe - you could just let go, take a chance and find another burst of faith for your pathetic little life that only consist of work in this little action that brings you not even on step away from the comfort of your own house.

Just feel the wind calling your name, the trees whispering your daily dose of faith. Let the birds reach your heart, spill your sorrows out to the earth, save your mind with the freshness, the fascinating life that lies beyond, much beyond the horizons, the glimpse of your eye. Look at the streetlights spell L.O.V.E and the clouds form LIVESTRONG.

That's right. Live strong.

It's been a long time since I last saw a sincere twinkle in someone's eyes, since I last heard a bounce in each step taken, since I last found a heart free of worries.

If this goes on, the world will die of depression before of global warming.

On a separate but similar matter;

This afternoon as I was waiting for my car in school I turned on my phone and came in were two messages. One from Pris, one from my bwother. I don't know what knocked on my brain's door but such a simple message from my bwother just worked wonders for me, made me do Book Review (oh holy cow) all day and not stop.

Everytime I felt like stopping and laying my head against my pillow, all I had to do was go back to that message and enunciate each word in my heart, and that was all it took to keep me going.

Know what it read?

The sun's shining, the birds are chirping and my stomach is making noises cause I haven't eaten.

Funnily amazing, isn't it?

I don't even know how my brain works anymore, it just seems to.

I've warned you. Random post.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

♥ Saturday, March 08, 2008

I think I've finally got it.

Some guys are jerks and you just can't change them. They do something and then they don't admit it they actually try to hide it, and then hide it some more. Makes me wonder if they're ashamed of their girls. And you know what? These kind of guys just aren't worth to think about or shed a tear cause they don't really love you and so you shouldn't either.

Everything - Michael Buble

You're a fallen star, you're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy but it's kinda cute.
Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend that you don't know it's true.
'cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

I am in love with this song.

And I love JessVin and Priscilla Chew Eng Hwee I love you a lot a lot a lot a lot don't forget that.

Further thanks: Lucy, Egg, Pril.

Friday, March 07, 2008

♥ Friday, March 07, 2008

I am very sick and death is looming overhead.

A bad cough that's abnormal, muscle aches all over, especially the stomach I can't even stand straight/stretch my stomach cause it like, cramps or something. A bad flu and a tiny bit of temperature. And my throat hurts so I don't feel like eating and my stomach has to choose this time to work its gastric acids on me so imagine my poor, poor stomach.

Attacked on antibiotics and vitamin C and everything possible but still no improvement.

I swear I'm dying.

This morning I woke up and I felt so lazy I didn't want to do any work but I found two things that made me, kind of, worked around my brain so that they'd manipulate the signals and told my hands to touch my computer and start on book review finally.

First was the nostalgia.

I wanted to work like a Rafflesian, wanted to adopt the four Ps, the attitudes and RVian's Strive For The Best. I wanted to mug my head out and be Daughters Of A Better Age, I wanted to be working as hard as Yingting with her sound waves and El with her Interactive Geography 4. I felt I was slacking, even when I've spent so much time on work but I just didn't check a lot of things off my to-do list.

The first was these three words on my school badge which I pin on my pencil case.

Filiae Melioris Aevi

Funny what it takes to miss something.

See I need an ego boost. Someone help me.

Anyway the second was what ibu keeps saying. My math ibu hahahahah who always says you have to see The Beauty Of Math and The Temptation. Well maybe it's a mantra that gets into my head or she has some mind controlling device, but this always sticks:

Don't fall into the temptation of laziness.

So yes, I will be a Daughter Of A Better Age and not Fall Into The Temptation Of Laziness.

I am gonna finish book review and IT essay and a little of my BI work by Monday. I swear I swear I swear I swear I will.

But I am sick, still. Sorry bwother I kind of lied to you and I didn't sleep when you told me to yesterday I was watching a hongkong drama with my mom hahahahahhahaha I apologise profusely.

Okay book review and then lunch and then book review and then dinner and then book review and then maybe a little DVD and then sleep. And wake up tmrw and Book Review.

Yup my life is very very interesting don't you think?

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

♥ Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I thank:

Mom and Dad, for the hugs and kisses.

Mybestfriendyellowbucket Jess for the song, and just sitting listening to me pour my soul out, like she has done for me so many times though she's in the midst of a midlife crisis.

Tngyt for skype sessions and listening to me go on and on, like she has done so many times for me as well, and diverting my attention to her lameness. And making me laugh.

Ellie bellie nornor for understanding and listening even though I have known her for barely a year and despite her having her own problems as well.

Kevin for being Kevin and little emails that say so much.

Mon, for being an auntie and lending a hand and experience-sharing.

Danielclementmifengowlmybwother whose name will be a book itself, for text messages and virtual hugs and march plans that give me so much love.

Simmy, for the emails about gouging the eyes out (im not mad about it sim chill) and her dead goldfish (condolences btw) eight years ago.

Pris, for the time to tag despite her busy schedule and being there. I'll pray for Fluffy.

Sara, for her contagious hyperness.

Sarahviolettaherrington for knowing, for being Sarah and alaskan chanting.

Steph, for cheering me up even though I barely know her, but I bet I will know her well soon enough.

SPH, for the concern and the time to read my blog:

Gab, for offering her shoulder and being my gossiping partner.

Dev, for being the first one to find out from my blog and being the first with

Luki, to show me around school. And for the text and the msn.

Bob, for the call and text. Sorry I rejected.

Jane, for the msn and the virtual hug as well.

Alden, for approaching and understanding the minute I came online.

Ken, for being a great guy for the second time and trying to cheer me up tmrw.

Ezra, for the text.

If I've left out anyone I'm sorry. I'd just like you to know I appreciate everything you've done.

In the day when I walk around with a fake smile on my face I am thinking about Babe but not showing it.

But when dusk sets and I lie awake and stare at the ceiling and see his face I'm thinking about Babe and I'm showing it by the tears that run down my face.

But I'm not crying as much now.

That's a good sign.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

♥ Saturday, March 01, 2008

Right after I woke up in the morning my mom told me to sit down and she said that the vet called. I felt my body tense, each of my muscles contracting. The vet. The vet.

The vet said that they tested Babe with distemper virus and confirmed the results. Babe had distemper. It's caused by a virus. Viruses have no medicine. My babe is defenseless against it. My babe is a sitting duck. He said if the medication they give him doesn't work we have to be prepared for the worst. If he's suffering we might even have to put him to sleep.

Put him to sleep. Put him to sleep.

I couldn't think. I felt waves crashing, overflowing my eyes. I burst into tears.

We were going to visit him. Searched on the internet right before we left. Puppies usually don't live.

The time between I found out til 3.30, my heart stopped every time the phone rang.

At 3.30 my mom got a call from the vet. She told me she had bad news. I didn't stop tearing for the whole half an hour in the car. I used half a box of tissues.

At the hospital I wiped away my tears and climbed the four storeys up to the isolation rooms. Isolation rooms. Babe, alone. The four storeys were the most tiring four storeys in my entire life. I never imagined a more exhausting four storeys. I wondered how many people felt the same way. I wondered how many dogs die everyday in this same hospital, their owners climbing the same four storeys. I teared. I couldn't. I didn't want to imagine.

When I reached the vet led us to the room where he was. She carried a black plastic bag and lay it on the floor. I knelt down and felt a lump rising in my throat. I was going to cry, I knew I was going to cry some shit. And she barely lifted the bag and all I thought was... that's my baby. That's my baby in there. And I saw his lifeless face, I saw his closed eyes and his still chest, his scarred body and I saw the familiar face of my baby, devoured by sickness and stupid viruses and death, and I thought of the so many times where the same nose had breathed air into my butt, so many times where the same eyes had pleaded to mine for treats and meals. Of the so many time those puppy teeth had bit me and the so many times that tongue had licked my toes. I thought of the night where only he saw me cry by the balcony, where we were alone and we explored my bedroom. I thought of the night I found the first symptom and how I'd tried to pluck them out, thinking they were ticks. I thought of the time we brought him to shave his hair because the doctor said it was fungus. I thought of that picture right I took right before I left for Singapore in December, him looking at me, his eyes with that gleam of plea for his treats. Maybe he was hurting by then. I'd never know.

On many occasions I had to search the whole house for my school shoes in the morning because he brought them everywhere. On the times where we did sit ups together, him trying to bite the pillow I was on. Times where he'd follow me right into the bathroom only to be chased out by a running giant, where he'd look at me with that inquisitive face and that cock of his head as if to ask what the hell am I doing. Times where we'd hike around the corridor, him tailing my every move, trying to bite my toes. In the mornings as I got ready for school he'd start whining in his cage, or barked at me, and I remember I thought it was annoying. But now all I wished was for him to get up and bark at me and tell me that this was all my nightmare that I'd imagined, that he wasn't going to die. But he didn't.

He's not ready to die.

It hurts to think that when he was struggling to breathe his last I wasn't there breathing with him and spurring him on, giving him willpower to keep right on living. It hurts to think that when he closed his eyes I wasn't the last person he saw, but a vet in a white coat probably wearing a mask whom he barely knew. It hurts to think of him in that room, alone, and breathing his very last breath and not have me with him, not have me tell him I love him, not have me hold him in my arms. It hurts to think that he was waiting there for me to come and take him home. It hurts to think that he was hurting. That he thought I didn't want him anymore. It hurts that he was waiting for me all these while.

But I never came.

It's painful to imagine that all these while those looks of plea he'd given me were asking me to realise that he was hurting. It's painful to imagine that he'd looked at me hoping that I would in some way look under and see the virus take him cell by cell.

And I didn't. It's painful to realise that no, I didn't see all that hurt. It's painful that I'd nodded at him, or given him the same cock of the face to the side and looked at him, just like that. It pains me that I'd brushed him away with a treat, a toy, a towel, or asked him to run after me and play catch. It pains that while he was hurting I'd caused him more hurt.

It hurts to think that I wasn't there when he needed me most.

So I cried. I cried the shit out of me and I didn't hold any back in. I wanted to hold my babe, and wail and shout and scream at him to get up and bite my toes, I wanted to shake him to life and have him tail me everywhere. I wanted him to grow back his hair, I wanted him to do all the things I told him not to do. But he couldn't. And it was all my fault.

It was my fault that I didn't bring him for the vaccine. It was my fault that I wasn't there with him when he used all of him to stay awake and wait for me. It was my fault that I didn't visit him yesterday because I was looking for a camera. It's all my fault, but it's so easy in the past tense. If only I could just turn the clock for one more day and just be there for him. I would be contented. But it's all so easy, so easy in the past tense.

Babe's the best thing that ever happened to my life. He gave me joy, he made me free, made me find a part of me I never knew existed. He opened up my eyes to the world and made me see the true meaning of bond, of saying no words but understanding each other. He made me realise that dogs are not 'just animals', that once you have one in your arms you have one in your heart. And you never wanna let them go cause when they do they tear away a part of you and it hurts like hell, so bad you feel like dying.

So now I think of him in that plastic bag, still scared and afraid and alone, waiting to be cremated and buried. I think of him still looking for me, his soul watching my face as I cried for him, for my mistakes. Maybe he was crying too. I'd never know.

I love you babe. You'll always be my baby.

♥ Saturday, March 01, 2008

Babe died today at 3.30.

I didn't get to tell him how much I love him.

I don't want to talk about it.