Wednesday, November 29, 2006
♥ Wednesday, November 29, 2006
You'd never know how much I needed someone last night.
It was one thirty when he stopped talking to me. We'd been discussing his lovely dream plan for the past hour and a half, ever since he'd told me to pay more attention to the flow of things in the shop, in his lovely precious Apple shop.
And it was one thirty when I climbed onto the bed, where Mom was already sleeping. I turned off the light. It was dark, and it was good. It was good for me to find solace in my bolster, knowing that no one would see me, and no one would see my tears. Then no one would find out I'd ever been crying, that I'd ever crashed that night.
But this was a good chance, I knew. It was just my mother and I. No one would disturb, no one else would know. I could count on her to keep it a secret, what I felt about my father and his job, what I felt about the business. What I felt about being the biggest, the first, always. What I felt about him wanting me to do things that only he liked, and I didn't. I was stuck. A lot of those claims hurled at my mind. About my dad telling me to care more about the business, about me being the bigger and not taking responsiblity, about how I'm not doing things right and that I should do it another way. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe, in my mind. I wanted to tell her that everything wasn't okay, tell her that I want her back.
But I didn't dare. Call me a coward, call me a fool; but I didn't dare. It was always this weakness that caught me. In the end, I didn't dare, didn't have enough courage to tell her, to just cry in her arms and tell her whatever I had to tell her. To tell her the things that I'd wanted to tell her but never got the chance to.
So they battled in my mind for half an hour, at least. And in the end I decided. I decided to stop being a weakling and stand up for myself, do something for myself just once. Just this once. Fight for something real this once. I was going to tell her. That's what I decided. No matter what, I would do it before I changed my mind, or falter. I would do it after my dad came in to check on us, which he did every night before he went to bed. Yes. I would do it after that.
And I waited. An hour at least. I would wake her up and cry and tell her everything I wanted to. I was still crying, actually. I was afraid that if I stopped I wouldn't dare to tell her anymore. I hushed myself in the hour. I tried to sleep. I couldn't, still. It was hard to think, to breathe through that hour. I couldn't do it. No, I couldn't do it. Yes, I would do it. I have to do it.
But when he came in and went out, and she woke up for no reason. I could'nt do it. I couldn't tell her how much I was suffering inside, how much I was crying although she couldn't hear it, she didn't know it. And I didn't. I didn't do it in the end. I tried, I did. I called her. She asked why I wasn't asleep, asked me if I couldn't. I told her yes, She mumbled something about waking up early tomorrow. I told her okay.
And I faltered. I fell. I didn't want to make it known to her yet. Not now. She was tired. It was no time for me to fall.
And so I cried. Back in the solace of my own pillow I cried myself to sleep. It was too hard to deal with, and I was too tired to deal with it. So I slept.
And the next morning, I got up to my mother's voice. Wake up, she said, gotta go to work or you'll follow your dad today. It was nine. And so I got up, to another normal day at the shop, where I'd be doing nothing but playing sims.
It was another day of work.
Monday, November 27, 2006
♥ Monday, November 27, 2006
After the really long break of posts. I shall come back. Okay, as promised.
Lil' Sis' Kor
Lil' Sis' Kor's Sis
My Lovely Twin
And that person. All you people, watch out for those mails in your inboxes because I shall post here because I find it very, very, mushy. Yes. So I shall just blog about daily life.
Firstly, about my lovely Hundred Acre Population. I've found out that I can make three rounds of Pooh Piglet Tigger and Eeyore. So here are all the people for each of em.
Pooh; surprisingly, all are ME. Like, do I eat so much honey?
Piglet; April. Mom. Fransis.
Tigger; Pris. Dad. Kor.
Eeyore; Simmy. Jo. That person.
Heh. And then, Vanilla. Say hi baby veee! Wahahah. She's my lovely new macbook my dad got me since monday which I have been playing sims on for five whole days for at least five hours a day. And also playing VH's songs from RBC. Muaha. My fellow companion of the office's wrath.
Oh, and I bought Sims2 , Sims2 pets, Sims2 chistmas party, Sims2 body shop, Sims2 glamour, Sims2 open for business and Sims 2 family fun. YAY. Muahahha. For 75,000RP. Which is about $15 altogether. But of course it's not real and it's troublesome to install and I couldn't install and I had to get the... uh, ABANG to install for me.
And my cousin! Cause she's christian I know she loves her religion but she can't MAKE me join her religion, at church and following the ten commandments. I mean, I'm already used to saying omg, and she insists that I can't say the three words. She points to me everytime whenever I say them, and whenever Jo is studying for his religion test especially when remembering the ten commandments. I mean, it's not as if I don't try. I've tried to not say them whenever she's around, or anything, but sometimes it just slips me.
I think she should at least respect me, you know. And my free choice to choose my religion. For now I'm just a free thinker, and I think it's best to stay at that. I normally don't put my faith onto another belief of mine, except love, that is. Maybe I'll be a christian, when I grow up. But not now. I'm a teenager. She doesn't find it hard to stop because she's eight and she's probably talked for only four years or so. And she forces me to go to church. I mean, yes I respect that she loves her religion but she should think of me too. I've not yet made my decision. It's like getting a christian to chant buddhist sutras and mantras and all that.
Ah well. I'll just have to silently wish that she doesn't drag me to church which has 'a lot of teenagers about three or four' (HA) this sunday. I shal pretend to sleep in after a bowling session which lasted til 12.30am the night before.
Seriously. Last night we got home from bowling at around one. AM.
Okay gotta run.
LOVES.
trbtues
Sunday, November 19, 2006
♥ Sunday, November 19, 2006
All right. My last round of tributes, but not the least. This time for friends who've been around all the time who I never got the chance to thank.
Lil' Sis aka Franneh (LOL)
YOU. LIGHT UP MY LIFE. (lyrics from that whatever song)
Ah, what can I say? Someone who's never put me down, someone's who's always understood me, and someone who's always there when I need her. (Online, that is.) Someone who never fails to make me laugh hysterically with her jokes and her adorable sense of humour, and the only person (okay, besides Mon) who I can talk to about anything at all.
So much trust, that we can talk about anything. Maybe it's this trust which has kept us going so far. And I hope that you trust me as much as I do. Because all that we need with each other is trust to stick together, no matter what happens. Because we're so alike.
I don't remember the exact day we started talking, and I don't remember how we got together. But all that doesn't matter anymore, now that we've come this far. From mere acquaintances to friends to good friends to best friends to sisters; I don't know how I would have survived out there without you. Without you always there behind me.
And I know that when I'm tired to fight on all I need to do is tell you, and you will, without hesitation try whatever you can to cheer me up, to ignite the same spirit I had before, to lift me up again. To tell me that things will be okay.
Through all my oversensitivity, my doubts, my fears and my wall of defense; you have broken through. Every single obstacle, one by one, you broke down and ran away to hide inside my safety deposit box. Where you know that I will never take you out even if you asked me to.
You remind me of me. Younger, more innocent, more - adorable. Funnier. Cheery-er. I guess, we will never change (except for the younger part, for me at least).
So in the journey ahead through the next, most important stage of your life perhaps; teenage. I want you to know that whatever happens, and whenever you need me at any time at all; I'll always come. Whatever the weather, rain or shine (or cloudy or sunny or gloomy or drizzly or just fine), I'll always come whenever you call me. I promise you. I'll put down every single piece of work whenever you need me to tell you that things will be okay, for a change. Whenever you need me to say okay.
And if anyone dares to lay a finger on my little sister, I WILL MAKE YOU PAY(Money, that is). No, really. I WILL MAKE YOU PAY(and not money, that is)
Oh, and guys? Never underestimate a girl. She gets everything she wants. She's never gonna stop.
Biggie aka Mon (RAHAHA)
YOU. ARE MY SUNSHINE. (my only sunshine)
You make me happy, when skies are grey. That's what you do, most of the time. You turn me from a depressed old dying woman into the bubbly thirteen year old my body once knew, my mind once knew, the same girl you knew once upon a time.
You take yourself off the mind of a humongous(no, I didn't mean to comment on your tum) twenty six year old, and put her into my shoes( and I did not, I swear, mean to comment on your obsession with shoes). Into me, to understand how I'm feeling.
You understand the meaning of every single sentence I meant to tell you, you empathise with me for every single dilemma that I come across, and you give me advice. You give me advice that came with experience, and you taught me the way to live a woman's life. You taught me how it felt like to be myself and no one else because that's all that matters.
And I have never thought at any point of time, or found out that in any incident that your advice doesn't falter. To stand brave for myself, to stand tall for myself, and to stand strong, for myself and not for others. You told me the way of life.
And you're right. Apart from the occasional incidents we never fight. Perhaps, being alike is something that keeps the two of us together. And being alike is something that can break us apart. I know you only too well, dear, that we are both headstrong. But differences. Differences pull us closer together than similarities. Because we are special.
And hush, dearie.
One day, I'll bring you upon the moon. To repay for what you've done for me.
Because you can talk to the stars as if they're me. Because I'll always be there listening.
One day, Biggie. One day. I promise.
You never know, dear, how much I love you.
That's all for today. I'm sleepy.
Next post will be about;
Lil' Sis' Kor
Lil' Sis' Kor's Sis
Lil' Sis' Best friend's Biggie
That person
Adios amigos.
Monday, November 13, 2006
♥ Monday, November 13, 2006
"I don't wanna be like Cinderella;
Sitting in a dark cold dusty cellar,
Waiting for somebody to come and set me free.
I don't wanna be like someone waiting;
For her handsome prince to come and save me"
Actions speak louder than words.
A cliche, but no matter what as true as ever. Especially now, at this moment and situation I let myself get into. It's got me thinking, anyhow.
Advice. I've given people advice; whether it's Sis or Monica or Sara or anyone else who comes with a problem that needs solving. I can give them thousands of pages of advice on almost anything, most particularly relationships; from Mom advice to guy advice. I can give them solutions to their problems, and I encourage them to follow. I can give them details of how they're feeling. And they'd always say 'Yes, that's how the way I'm feeling.'
And they'd always say I empathise.
Maybe it's my experiences that brings me to tell them my stories. An experience with no advice before me and so I don't want others to lack what I did have. Maybe.
And perhaps so I thought I possessed this gift. This gift of having a passion for advice, the gift of helping others. I thought because of that I was strong, emotionally. I was strong. I prepared myself for all kinds of unhappy things, because I know that I will experience them. I told myself to read more Chicken Soup books to prepare for any sort of separation or anything else I didn't want to and was hard to deal with. I told myself that when it comes to the real thing I'd be strong, and I'd follow my advice faithfully and eventually they'd bring me through the crisis.
But oh, when it comes to affairs of the heart. It gets so much more complicated than advice I could give. Sometimes I'm afraid, of giving the wrong advice to these people. Sometimes I'm confident. And I feel that way because even I falter at own advice.
I can't let things go. Ultimately, that's my only weakness in the affairs of the heart.Ultimately, I will struggle out of the relationship half dead and half alive, living a life unhealthily both physically and emotionally. Eventually, I will be the one who's hurt the most.
Perhaps because I don't want to hurt others. I may say; that you've got to fight for your own happiness, that you shouldn't care about what other people think of you. But when it boils down to doing the real thing? Tell you what, I'm an utter coward. I can't tell myself that people won't get hurt when I say this, or maybe I can't tell myself to fight for something real for the first time in my life.
Because I am too afraid to try. Because inside I am as weak as though a seedling, one that can be easily blown down by the wind. With a single breeze I am shaken of all my confidence, and without a mother plant I can't stand back up on my roots. I can't stand back up on my own.
Don't go too far away from me; I need you. Every single second of the day.
Friday, November 10, 2006
♥ Friday, November 10, 2006
What exactly is wrong with you?
You promised. You promised that you'd always be there. You said I've not got much but I've got you. You made me believe that I could count on you for a shoulder when I need one. You used to make me smile with each message, each word, each question. You used to check your phone before bed. You told me I made you happy. You used to tell me things which I naively believed, and you promised there wouldn't be a second time.
But second times always repeat themselves. Again. And again and again and AGAIN. And everytime you do that, flunking out on me every few days or so, I make up excuses for you. Excuses like you are busy, like you aren't allowed to use your phone, excuses like you're too engrossed in something, whatever it is. Get this - you conveniently dump your phone to one side for a whole week, and then I'm the one who comes up with excuses for you.
You think I've not been trying to help you? So many times, I wish to. I come up with so many different excuses, for what? Just to tell myself that it's okay, because you're doing something more important. Just to tell myself that you're busy. Just to tell myself that things will go back to normal once it's over.
But how many more times can I do this? How many more excuses can I come up with to shield you and your lies? How many more times do I have to get myself back up again? How many more times, are you going to do this to me, over and over and over and over again?
I don't know where's the extreme. Am I just some person who you talk to because you're bored? Am I just some person whose name is in your phone book and you never ever give a damn about? Maybe, that's what I am. I'm just this random person who came out of nowhere and will disappear into nowhere too. Because I don't matter, because I don't exist. I'm not human and I don't have feelings. I'm not real.
Have you ever thought about what you're doing to me? Hurting me like this, making me feel that I'm not worthy as you are. Each day is an unfulfilled day, filled with empty promises, filled with empty words, filled with your hypocrisy. With just a few boundaway messages I'm starved. With just those few boundaway messages I ignore what everyone says and wait at my phone all day long. You're affecting me and you don't KNOW it. You're hurting me and you don't give a bloody damn look to it.
Are you that kind of person? Maybe all that was just a mask. Your mask that you show me which tells me that you care, your mask that doesn't show what's in you. Then perhaps what I've felt all these while weren't true. Perhaps it had all been a lie. Perhaps it had been a plan, right from the start, from the very first message when I let you into my life, and showed you my darkest moment, and all my deepest secrets.
I've trusted the wrong person, haven't I? Maybe I'm reading too much into this. Maybe you're just away. Maybe you lost your phone. Maybe, maybe, maybe. How many more maybes will there be inside me to defend you? I don't want to defend you. I tell myself I don't want to but it's first instinct, to say it's not that you don't want to, it's just because you can't.
But you know what? Your name is right at the top of my address book, and it's still waiting for the phone to ring to tell me that you have finally decided to stop this ridiculous game of hide and seek. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I hope you get this clear.
Be a man. Don't let a woman have the chance to stand up for you.
room dedications.
Monday, November 06, 2006
♥ Monday, November 06, 2006
Dedications to private conversationalists. check. now it's time for A402 to show their might. Be warned that this post is going to be emotional.
All dedications are clearly inspired by the following line;
"And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound"
So, dear fellow roommies. If you got anything to say, just say it. Cause we ain't got much time to.
I don't know exactly when or how we kinda stuck together, you know. Maybe through sleepless nights, mac orders, unpaid debts and our board, latenight mongolian music, steaming cup noodles, eating sunflower seeds during prep and endless movies, and through THAT hongkong person, we kind of got together. Actually maybe you guys are the ones I see most often, and spend the most time with. There's just so many things we have; insect obituary, chloe, the seahorse (is it seahorse?) which was named after me, duckyporn, movies, debt board, xxjx theme song, neverending toilet paper, and everything else.
"In the years to come
Will you think about these moments that we shared
Nothing lasts forever though we want it to"
lucy you pervert. XD
nah. oh my, we've been through so much, so much i cannot find words. i saw you cry, we scrubbed that bathroom squeaky clean, you made my computer go on duckyporn, all the one dollar coins i gave you, the laundry. the complains and the voice messages. the borrowing of computers and handphone chargers, your uh, striped sheep underwear, the formal dinners, the lack of clothes, and the perverted things you do sometimes. and i keep thinking, maybe there's something underneath you which i don't know, which i won't ever know. and i'm still not sure if you have that one layer beneath you.
I'll miss so many things about you, the papers i always find on my bed after long leaves, all the things I know of. but i'll miss some things which i don't see now, on you, too. but that's okay, because i'll learn. slowly, through your absense.
maybe, it is because that you don't trust people that easily which makes you a good analyzer. and maybe the reason why you feel that way is because you've been hurt before. i can't blame you, really. but no matter how many times a day i laugh with you, i want you to know that there's still this sentence inside me that says, all the time, ''And when you need my arms to run into, I'll come for you. "
thank you for all the wonderful memories you've given me, and the lessons you've taught me which you don't know you did. thank you for being a friend, and thank you for being a sister. perhaps, you're that little light that's lighting up every cold and crammy corner of our room. thank you for your vitamin c tablets. thank you for bringing everything i needed, when you came into my life.
so we didn't cherish all the time we had when we had time to spare. and now that there's no more time left to say anything or do anything to make up for all the lost time all i need is six seconds from you to read six words, short and sweet but with great meaning;
thank you and i love you
; until my heart stops beating.
"Are you gonna think it over
And how we lived each day with no regrets
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you"
cherntze you mongolian woman! XD
ah, your latenight music and your o2jam and your movies and your computer and your cup noodles and your die1 da3 pian4 and chloe and KIDSPACKMILO(how can i forget that) and uh, your magnolia milk and your things all over the place and the socks under your table everytime i sweep the floor. and your establishing of the debt board, stacks of books and everywhere on the floor. maybe, when i look back and think about A402 i'll take that into mind. maybe that's what i'll remember about you.
i'll miss the weird sounds your computer makes at night when I'm trying to sleep, i'll miss all the songs that you play, i'll miss the nights we spent with lucy and kaini watching movies on your bed, i'll miss that night as you and lucy strummed the guitar while i move chords, i'll miss the stacks of books lying around, i'll miss BestDressedLady. and i'll miss talking about your accessories. so many things i'll miss.
as much irony as it may seem, im not being sarcastic. no matter how much i joke around with you sometimes, when i feel lame, that is, or maybe sometimes not talking to you at all, i just want you to know that ive never ignored your existence. its just that sometimes im not in the mood to do some things. and deep down i love you, and i'm forever wishing you this line '' I'll be tough when the going gets too tough for you to hold on to."
thank you for so many things you give, that you do so unknowingly. just being across my bed is already the greatest support you give me.
But I doubt you need me to help you. because you're already strong. and so to break down the walls around you i need to say this one simple, simple line;
when no one's there for you to hold on to; i'll be there.
"Maybe there'll be things we'll wish we'd never said
Maybe we'll see each other, standing on the same street corner though it rains
If only i could stop the World i'd make this last"
kaini you serious woman! XD
well yes, i guess that's what you are. i'll remember the way you laugh, i'll remember your scary computer desktop, i'll remember your human geography textbook. i'll be missing all the stuff of you being a roommate keeping cleanliness enhouse. yes. and i'll remember that night when you and cherntze tried to dance the chinese dance in the room. and when THAT hongkong woman came to bug us and left us stranded outside our room making us look like uh, homeless wanderers.
and i'll miss all of that. the noise, the irritating woman who came to disrupt our peaceful and enlightening lives. yes. and i'll miss that cockroach which you were afraid of outside which i chased all the way to other end. i'll miss that too. and uh, there's just too many things i'll miss i can;t say it all.
i remember when i first came we went to get the broom together. broom or mop? in any case. cleaning material. and i remember i thought you were boring! because we didn't make a single sound. but i guess, not so now that i know you. and for that i'll always keep in mind this line for you "when you're afraid i'll be in front of you"
and thank you for being the person who keeps the room clean. thank you for uh, correcting us, anyone who you think is doing anything wrong. although i don't really like fights but sometimes you're right. thank you for hysterical laughters.
and please know that you exist. sometimes i may give the feeling that you guys arent important but that's not true. i spend at least half of a year with you guys, honestly. so take note that sometimes its just because im in a not very good mood and so i look dao. yes. and lastly i want to tell you, this last, simple line which means bounds;
know that someone out there loves you, no matter what or when or how.
"Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now for you and me
Though it's the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Because a true love never dies"
on that last note i want to tell you guys that i love you loads, and i'll never forget freshman year of bs experience, how fun and enjoyable and interesting you guys have been. i'll forever miss the nights we lie on cherntze's bed, most of the times crying our eyes out, sometimes criticizing those poor actors, sometimes squealing in excitement (esp when cherntze screams when she sees ron ng, oh my). and i'll forever hold these memories close to me, and no matter what you face after this year we'll never separate and be reminded that you can always count on me.
i'll always be there, for this freshman room; A402
"As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Spent together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends forever"
because a true love never dies. forever and ever and ever and ever.
i love you all.
graduation
Friday, November 03, 2006
♥ Friday, November 03, 2006
i've never felt like this before.
what's the word?
loneliness. probably i've felt it but i never realised how much it could bring me. all the introverted thoughts, all the emotional outbursts. i wake up and then i stare into an empty room. and i tell myself that last night was a good night's sleep. because i didn't get interrupted, and i had no dreams. i had a good night's sleep.
but so what, because when i wake up its an empty room. just a soundless room with four walls which keep me enclosed in this silence. they block out every single sound, they block out every single ray, and they block out any hope i am supposed to see.
maybe that's human. when you want silence you get noise, and when you want noise you get silence. when it's too noisy you want silence, and when it's too silent you want noise. there's just this fine line between silence and noise, because we all want either.
perhaps, the fact that today was the last day of school got me emotional. it's been so long since i wrote such a post. recently ive been alright. recently ive been too occupied to think about these stuff. and recently i haven't had the time to look out of my window.
you'll be amazed what a peek out the window gives you. tranquility in the noise; something that soothes you, maybe the wind. peace in the view; something that tells you that the day is over, and that tomorrow is a new day where beginnings start afresh and today's issues don't last till next sunrise. it's an illusion, a dream, and yet it gives so much relief. too much relief that i don't want to snap out of it.
but sooner or later we have to come back to reality. sooner or later we have to stop gazing out the window. sooner or later we have to deal with today's issues tomorrow. and many a times we do so because we have to. because we cant stay in dreamland forever, because life isn't any bit like an illusion. the world is never a perfect place where the good get rewarded and the bad get punished.
they say that there are answers to all questions, it's just that we're not smart enough to figure them out yet. i don't agree. some things cant be explained in words, but some other things can't. give me a word to describe how im feeling, and im telling you, there's nothing you can say no matter how smart you are.
because some things, like feelings, can't be explained in words.
