Saturday, March 31, 2007
♥ Saturday, March 31, 2007
I'm really, really tired.
I know I've said I've seen the light, but hey, that doesn't mean I can't complain.
I'm really really tired.
For the past 5 days I've been sleeping for 5 and a half hours max each night. Maximum. Sometimes I'd get up in the middle of the night to just turn on the laundry machine or to hang the laundry out because it will stink if you leave it in there for too long. Sometimes I'd get up in the middle of the night to find a thinner blanket. Sometimes I'd get up in the middle of the night and start reading Chicken Soup, or Sarah Dessen, or doing my homework and projects and stuff like that. It sucks, and it sucks. It's a conclusion.
I haven't cleaned my room and all the stuff in the boxes I moved from BS. I haven't sorted the laundry out properly. I haven't ironed a gazillion tonnes of clothes. I haven't washed my shoes. I haven't washed the toilet and the shower. I haven't attempted to kill all the insects in my house. I haven't cleaned the cooking place for ages. I haven't mopped, or swept, or clean the windows.
And I haven't started filing. I haven't started copying my chinese thing, I haven't finished Math PT, I haven't started Geog PT, I haven't done the SL time plan and sent it to Dorcas because I slept through most of the time after I reached home, and now I'm sleepy again. I haven't practiced for the Esplanade performance on the 7th, nor SYF. I haven't fulfilled school and house activities. I haven't cut out my scores and paste them on another sheet of paper and put them into the black folder. I haven't altered my uniform. I haven't bought goggles with degrees, and I haven't swam for the week.
There are so many things I haven't done, and my dad is coming tomorrow. It's like, everytime he comes I'll fall sick because he has TOO MUCH laundry, TOO MUCH messiness, TOO MUCH paper all over the place, and TOO MUCH apple.
I usually fall sick because i have to do the extra work, and at the end of the day I feel like how I'm feeling now, I can't even open my eyes as I type, and my finger muscles rely on the last of the enrgy in my fats to type and hold my body upright. It's worse because he just comes and messes up the whole place, and you clean it up again, and he comes back and he messes it up again.
You can even FORGET about even TRYING to clean up after him, because it is IMPOSSIBLE.
I'm serious. I'm really, really, serious. I fall sick every single time he comes.
I need a life. PRONTO. I need to go out and have some fun.
I need to partay.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
♥ Sunday, March 25, 2007
Something I just thought of, something just struck a chord in me suddenly. So I'm writing even though it's 1 in the morning and I'm still sick.
I've always thought I didn't look just on the outside. I've always thought I could look beneath that surface and see what's deeper. I've always thought I could, and I did. I was confident, in that way.
But today I realised something else, it's like my whole perpective of things is changing. When I was walking home from dinner, I was looking at this tree right smack at the entrance of my complex. Which means I should have seen it every single day, as long as I left the house or entered. But I didn't. Or at least, I didn't take much notice. I just thought that it was a tree, with leaves and a trunk.
But this one time I did, and mind you, it was already dark. I looked at it and this thought just struck me, it's like recalling something I knew before.
Inside that tree is life.
Earlier on I've been wanting to find what lives beside my life, what else there is to see, to love, besides what's within my capacity. But why is it that I've never realised that inside every thing, there is life? Why is it that I've been so blind to so many things there, around me all the while? Why is it that I've been so blind to the love and life all around, to all the love and the life everyone's been giving me?
Why is that I haven't learn to appreciate certain things when they're there?
I think I've finally come around. It's this sudden realisation, like this sudden dawning inside me, upon the world. I feel as if the sun's finally risen and set and it will continue to be like that for the rest of my time, besides the occasional hormones relapse. I think I can actually do something to make my life get better, I think I can actually make a difference, if I want to. I think I can actually live through this.
I think it's not that I haven't tried enough. I have, as a matter of fact. I think it's how I look at it. I've tried it before, telling myself that I can do it before I start, but it never seemed to work. And I think I've finally found out why. It's because I never realised that inside everything, there is life. I have to learn to connect with what I'm doing, I have to learn to find the similarities between the task and me, and use that similarity to solve things - Yes, yes, that's how it works!
So many thoughts are running into my brain right now, I just suddenly realised so many, many things, I can't even write it down, I know I won't be coherent.
No, I need to go back to letting the thoughts fill my head, I'm stopping here.
I think I've finally seen the light!
Saturday, March 24, 2007
♥ Saturday, March 24, 2007
I'm drained of every drop of creative juice you could call creative juice.
I need Mr Tan's brain juice now. Thank God this isn't EOI or I'll just die. But I have lit and bio coming up soon, both which I haven't revised yet. But I like lit, except the poems, and I especially love TKMB, mostly because of Atticus Finch but never mind, so I think I'll study as hard as I can. :D
I really miss Atticus Finch. I think I can reread that book in one day if I wanted to.
Oh well. Today is another day of lying-on-the-bed-with-a-fever day. It's like you can't do anything. I have this terrible sore throat which I've never felt before (I think it's a bacterial infection) and a very bad headache which kills and makes your head feel like exploding, and muscle aches EVERYWHERE, oh my god that sucks, and then the fever. First illness without cough or flu.
But! I'm so dead. Frequent sore throats are caused by tonsilitis, which I have had since like, 6. Doctor says;
1) Eat more vegetables.
2) Eat less fried food.
3) Eat food preferably with less MSG
4) Cannot stand under the sun for more than 50 minutes each day (because it burns off your ions very easily for tonsilitis people)
5) More vitamins A, C and E.
6) More rest.
And the neurologist for my back said;
1) No high impact sports.
2) Swimming at least two times a week.
3) Preferred physiotherapy two times a week.
4) No bending. Must squat.
5) Regular check ups.
6) Exercises to strengthen back muscles.
7) No lifting heavy stuff.
8) No sitting/sleeping/standing in bad postures.
And the other gastric and stomach doctor said;
1) Due to my lactose intolerance it is best to minimise my intake of lactose especially milk.
2) Do not overconsume at one point of time or binge. (HAHAHA)
3) Ask for a weaker antibiotic for those which will hurt your gastric.
4) Eat your meals on-time. (uh oh)
Yes. So basically, these plus school is just going to kill me.
Aw. You know, I just can't write anything today. I'm not inspired at all.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
♥ Wednesday, March 21, 2007
When I'm lost in the rain,
In your eyes I know I'll find the light, to light my way.
And when I'm scared,
And losing ground,
When my world is going crazy, you can turn it all around.
And when I'm down you're there, pushing me to the top.
You're always there, giving me all you've got.
For a shield from the storm,
For a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on
For everything you do, for everything that's true
I turn to you.
When I lose the will to win,
I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again.
I can do anything cause your love is so amazing,
Cause your love inspires me.
And when I need a friend, you're always on my side
Giving me faith, taking me through the night
For a shield from the storm,
For a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on
For everything you do, for everything that's true
I turn to you.
For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain,
For truth that will never change,
For someone to lean on,
For a heart I can rely on through anything,
For that one who I can run to...
For a shield from the storm,
For a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you
For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on
For everything you do, for everything that's true
I turn to you.
For a shield from the storm,
For a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on
For everything you do, for everything that's true
I turn to you.
cars
Monday, March 19, 2007
♥ Monday, March 19, 2007
Why is it that I have never noticed that I loved driving?
Sure, I knew that I loved sitting in a car, looking outside. But never driving. This time I went back and headed over to the track, rented a small car, and off I went. Into the sunset, even, if you actually hit on the brakes and stop to think about it. You know, there was the sun, and the sky was orange, and I was in a small car.
It's not that I haven't been there. I was there last year, but probably cause it wasn't the right mood, the right people, the right atmosphere. When you're sick of everything, you know, and you head back to step on the brakes, look at your life, with the right people at the right time there beside you - it just naturally comes to you, you feel like driving away. Into the sunset.
That's a phrase that makes it all good, dreamy - you see, it only takes three words to make life easier, simpler. Like a fairy tale.
But the problem is, how many of us actually can take the time off, sit in a car (especially when we're underaged) with the right people (almost, at least) and think about our lives as we drive off? Into the sunset.
Or simply, when we step on the brakes of our fast paced lives, our busy schedules, our haphazard meals. When we can actually take a seat, rest a while, and reflect - I don't really like to use the word 'reflect', but I use it for a purpose - on ourselves and the people around us. How we've grown and learnt through the everyday stuff, how insignificant they may seem. That kind of special, special, how do you say it? Special feeling. Feeling? No. I don't know.
You sit there, and you reminisce. You relive the past moments, you think about the times where you laugh, and you smile at yourself. You look at the seat beside you, and you wish some people were there. You want to smile for them, and say, I miss you so much.
Open the window. Let the fresh air overwhelm you, once in a while. Turn away from the road. Let the sunset awe you with its magnificence once in a while. Get out and play in the rain. Let the rain inspire you as you see drops of them dropping softly onto the leaves, once in a while. Sit in the grass. Let the rainbows show you your true colours, let yourself see your true colours. Take a drive in a car. Set yourself free.
Look what's beside the road. Don't just look at the road.
Brake for the scenery. Don't keep driving on.
Smile for life and all of its beauty.
I'm feeling so abstract, I want to rent another car and drive around with a camera, and capture all of nature, all of love, all of life. I want to see what else lives besides school, I want to see what's outside, what has a life besides the empty abyss I call home. I want to run around in this place called Earth, where fairytales lived, where bunnies grew in abundance. I want to live in that field where I could sit on that piece of grass and look at the sky and say, so this is the world.
I want that old me back. That old me who never knew how to write like this. That old me who never knew how to sort the laundry and separate the blacks and the whites. That old me who never understood how music was heaven. I want that old me, the old one who wasn't independent, the old one who saw more than work, the one who would stop the car, get out, and jump in the rain all around, and think that life wasn't sucky at all.
But then again, I still do. I still stop the car. I smile, I get off, and then my inner child just takes over, and I let her.
I soak myself, because I love life, and I love me.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
♥ Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Today I chanced upon a photo of my 6th birthday party. And somehow, things hit me.
I actually think Lucy might be right. About what she said about family, and friends. About the way she's living life. And I empathise with her.
I remember that day, my sixth birthday. For some reason my mom decided to organise a party and invite all my friends to come over and there were even games and prizes. It was probably my first birthday party (not counting the times I can't remember) and til now, my only. I'm surprised i remember every single detail; every single image is struck sharply, I can't un-remember those pictures, and after seeing that picture just brought back all the memories along with it. I suddenly realise what I've been living on all these years.
My mother.
For the years where she fed me, washed me, dressed me, pushed me in a stroller. When she sat with me doing my homework as if it was interesting to her, to do pre-school work. When she held my hand as we walked the malls, when she brought me to the doctors, when she wouldn't sleep everytime I had a fever, when she stayed with me every night until I slept, only leaving when she heard my breathing. She could tell if I was asleep just by how I breathe.
I still remember my kindergarten graduation. Clad in a graduation hat and robe, holding a certificate probably printed one night before and looking very simple indeed and feeling proud. I haven't forgotten that day. I remember telling my mother that night how good it was to finish kindergarten, so I could get to Primary school. With beaming eyes, I told her I couldn't wait to grow up. She just smiled and told me to brush my teeth.
And not long ago, my primary graduation. I did a speech, and after the event the girls in my class gathered together to take pictures and wish each other farewells. As I hugged my friends, one by one, my mother shed tears. My mother shed tears for her daughter, whom she bathed and held and loved since birth. My mother shed tears for her friend, who watched midnight movies at the cinemas with her, who disappointed her when she lied, who told her everything she wanted to tell her, who gave her a bear hug everynight. My mother was proud of her daughter, and if I could I wished I could have kept those tears she shedded.
My mother cried for the nights she could sing edelweiss to me.
She knew, that those days wouldn't last. When I was small and I couldn't sleep, she would take turns with my father to stroke my forehead gently and sing.
"Edelweiss, edelweiss,"
I would recognise that voice, that thumb on my forehead, that warmth around me.
"Every morning you see me,"
I wanted so much for her to be the first thing I see in the morning.
"Small and white, clean and bright,"
I wished the next day I would still be her little girl.
"You look happy to meet me,"
Of course, mom. Of course.
I can't wait to be her kid again.
I can't let go of those days where she wiped the cream sauce off my mouth when we ate spaghetti. I can't let go of the days where she lay with me in bed and left only when Id fallen asleep. I cant let go of those days when she sang edelweiss every night. I can't let go of my mother.
Some friends disappoint. Some friends encourage. Some friends make you think. But sorry to say this, there are expectations. Some friends have expectations. Though some don't. But parents aren't the same. Parents love you. No matter what. Whether you're autistic or you're dyslexic or you have down syndrome. Parents love you all the same, they fuss over you, they scold you, they scream at you, they hit you. But with every action they do they love you, and they show it. And you know they show it.
Not everyone understands what Im saying. Some must be going, 'what do you mean parents have no expectations?', or 'hitting me does not equals to loving me', but some people understand.
People like Lucy Chen. Monica.
Oh Lucy, I admit defeat. You are more cheem than me. Yes.
Monday, March 12, 2007
♥ Monday, March 12, 2007
Track 3 on my blog.
It's only been a day
But it's like I cant go on
I just wanna say
I never meant to do you wrong
And I remember you told me baby
Somethings gotta give
If I cant be the one to hold you baby
I dont think I could live
Now Im so sick of being lonely
This is killing me so slowly
Dont pretend that you dont know me
'Cause thats the worst thing you could do!
Now I'm singing such a sad song
These things never seem to last long
Something that I never planned on
Help me baby Im so sick of being lonely
The stuff is in my house
So many things I cant ignore
Coaster they're on the coach
Your photos on my freezer door
And I remember you told me baby
Somethings gotta give
If I cant be the one to hold you baby
I dont think I could live
Now Im so sick of being lonely
This is killing me so slowly
Dont pretend that you dont know me
Thats the worst thing you could do!
Now I'm singing such a sad song
These things never seem to last long
Something that I never planned on
Help me baby Im so sick of being lonely
I am so lonely
And I remember you told me baby
Somethings gotta give
If I cant be the one to hold you baby
I dont think I could live
Now Im so sick of being lonely
This is killing me so slowly
Dont pretend that you dont know me
Thats the worst thing you could do!
Now I'm singing such a sad song
These things never seem to last long
Something that I never planned on
Help me baby Im so sick of being lonely
I am so lonely
I am so lonely...
friends
Saturday, March 10, 2007
♥ Saturday, March 10, 2007
I love people.
Sure, I get mood swings sometimes, I shun people sometimes, I want to be alone sometimes. But people - friends - make you think. Friends let you see you in them, because that's what friends are for.
Sometimes, friends are the reasons why you stay on in life. They give you encouragement, they tell you they love you, and they help you get through times, like that.
But there are no reasons for the way you did to me last night.
I thought you understood, but you didn't. I thought you'd be behind me all the way, but I didn't think you were. I thought if I didn't have anyone else, at least I had you. But I was wrong. I was totally wrong, wasn't I?
I don't know why you had to disappoint me like that. I know I'll forgive you anyway no matter what, but I don't understand why you have to do this over and over again. It takes that courage, to be a friend for you, but you disappoint me.
I can't tell you how hurt I was. Why didn't you understand, why didn't you understand? Why don't you understand me, when you say you do?
I need to scream into a pillow. Fast.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
♥ Thursday, March 08, 2007
Y'all. I don't know why I'm doing this either.
Well, if some of you want an insight to my daily life, here's how you go about it.
You wake up at 5.50 to your alarm clock with a sore back which hasn't stopped aching since some years ago. If you slept too late because you had to rush out a project last night, or if you were crying too much to sleep, or if you just didn't hear the alarm go, that's too bad for you. You get out of bed, turn on the lights and get into the bathroom to wash up. Then you realise that you didn't have time to take down your uniform from the drying rack, and so you go out into the kitchen and then the laundry room, get your uniform and start ironing while you pack your bag. Your stomach's no longer asking for anything to digest in the morning, it's gotten used to hollowness before dawn. You start finding things where you left them, because no one'll touch it anyway.
And then you leave the house. If you don't remember to bring your key you'll be locked out and you'll have to rent a room at the service apartment opposite the road, or if you don't remember to lock the door some thief will come into your house and steal everything there is to steal. So you walk out of the house with your key and guitar, and then you realise that you forgot to turn off the lights in the living room, so you quickly run back in to turn it off. And then you get your things and lock the door, keep the key in a safe place, and get down to rush to the bus stop to get the bus because you're going to miss it.
If you miss 16, the first bus you take, you'll miss 54, the second, and then you'll miss 105. And then you're going to be late for school. So as you're running for the bus, you're running so hard you're panting so bad, and you don't know what you're running for. It didn't seem long ago when you were still 12 and you were sitting in a car with your mother at the wheel asking you when you were going to get home. But now you don't know that girl anymore. You see cars driving past, but none of them is the mother you cry for every night.
But you still run for that bus, and all the others that come after that one. Then you finally reach school, and you hope for it to end as soon as possible, because you don't think that grades matter anymore, you just want your mother waiting at home for you. On good days, you tell yourself that you're working for her, that she doesn't need anymore things to worry about because she's got enough. On bad days, you just totally shut down and you curl up in one corner and cry so hard, you can't breathe. You're homesick, and you're helpless.
After a day of work, I don't need to explain how tiring school is, you all know. You finally reach home, and you get your key and open the door to walls of silence. When you talk you hear echoes, echoes, and nothing else. You're living in an abyss, and you accept that you do. One day, you tell yourself, all this will be worth its while. You never stop hoping, every second, that that day will come soon, that you'll finally be able to live the life you had before until the world changed and everything did too. Sometimes before you open the door you hope that someone will be behind that door and ask you about your day once you put down your bag. Sometimes before you open the door you hope that someone will help you to get the laundry and the mopping done, because you have a pt due tomorrow and you haven't started because you've been too busy doing those and your back forces you to go swimming twice a week and physiotherapy twice too.
So you open the door and get your daily dose of disappointment, and then you plop your bag down and shower. You do the day's laundry and take down the last wash and start ironing. While doing you remember that it wasn't long ago before when you could sit on the sofa and plead with your brother to change the channel, while someone did all that for you. You were careless, and you burnt your finger.
You finish, and you start doing your homework. You work again, and the only sole reason that drives you is that you love her, and she doesn't need another problematic child. So you toil through four hours or so of work, and then your phone rings you. You remember that you set the alarm for dinner because if not you wouldn't remember to eat, and you'll get gastric, and you'll miss another day of school.
So you walk to the mall and eat in the same food court sitting on the same table, and sitting alone and by yourself, as usual. You're sick of being lonely, but you can't do anything so you'll just sit through dinner. And then people start streaming in, with their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, daughters, and you turn away and cringe at the sight of them. You don't feel like eating anymore, and you leave your plate and stand to go back home because you still have homework to finish, as if homework took your mind off things and stopped you thinking when it just drives you insane from all the things you didn't listen to because you were thinking of someone while teachers were lecturing.
So you keep working. And then the silence kills, you realise, so you turn on your mac and open itunes and start singing along, and alone. You can hear only your voice and nothing else, and to you your voice is no longer a voice, it's a noise. When the ghost stories start to haunt you you try to hum a song and hoping that the ghosts'd leave you alone because you are. You finish a day of work, and you start planning for your physiotherapy and swimming sessions. You sort your finances and reprimand yourself on the amount of money you spend, and you say, I wish Mom was here so I wouldn't spend so much.
After that it's eleven. If I'm lucky some people are online to talk to me, at least that means I'm not dead yet. If my mother got home earlier and my brother didn't have a test tomorrow, and my father was in a good mood, they'd be online. We'd talk to fifteen minutes, and then I'll head off to bed.
But as you climb on you realise you can't sleep, and you stare at the empty bed, and you wonder what you've done to your life. You wonder why you live, you wonder why you're repeating the same cycle everyday, you wonder why you have to treat yourself like this, you wonder if it's face you'll lose if you say you can't do it anymore and decide to go home and into your mother's arms.
You wonder why you even chose to live here.
And at that last thought you regret, you blame yourself, you cry. It's not that you want to, it's because you need to. It doesn't seem like a normal day if you don't empty your tears, crying is a routine, crying is the only way to tell yourself that you're frustrated, and crying is the only way problems can go away for a while, where you can feel your heart breaking and all your veins detaching one by one, and the blood is going in all ways and you can't do anything to stop it.
Crying is a daily routine.
It's like I've turned into an infant, the only way to express myself is to cry and cry and never stop.
I'm homesick, and I can't help it. All I want is to be a normal teenager, to be a normal child. I don't want to be extraordinary, I don't want to be independent. I want my mother, my life, and myself. I don't want anything else, because everything else just doesn't fit into the equation.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
♥ Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Chern Tze's words made me think.
At first I was thinking, contemplating, trying to choose. Then I decided. But after hearing her, I'm doubting.
It's so weird, different people make you think differently. Chern Tze, Eleanor, Monica. Experiences affect the way we think, and that's true as much as they go. Because they know what it is like to be away from home, to realise that silence is a scary sound, to appreciate our parents for the love they give us on normal days. They understand what I'm going through.
Some people, they think they understand when they don't. They think that my moving back is a rash decision, that it was an offhand move to make, not to mention stupid, silly, completely wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. But nothing is ever right, so shut up about your judgment and try to put yourself in my shoes.
It's been lingering since the day she left me. The day she left me just when I needed her the most. The day she left me because another person thought he needed her more than I did. And he's passed on to me what he had, he got rid of what he had and now I'm left with it, I'm stuck with it, but I'm suffering in silence because I don't want them to know that I am.
Damned life.
Monday, March 05, 2007
♥ Monday, March 05, 2007
You all.
I have something to announce.
I am moving back to Jakarta. I made this decision myself. I cannot take any more of school the workload and the housework and missing my mother.
I'm having a break down and I'm a growing teen, I cannot be independent yet.
I don't know what independence is anymore.
Yes, I'm moving back. I'm sorry to all my dearest people and all the good friends that've been helping me all along- bucket, fransis, april, priscilla, simmy, tien li, huan ying, yingting, lucy, cherntze, kaini. I want you guys to know that I have considered you guys in my decision.
Monica, whose words were as true as gold. My cousin Julia, who was wiser than me in the very first place; I have realised what you wanted me to understand. Thank you, and sorry.
Whatever it is, I want you guys to know that I love you all, and I won't forget until that very, very last moment when I die. I promise you guys that I'll be in contact and I'll always be there whenever you need me to.
I am not cruel. I have been crying since morning. I can't bear the thought of having to leave either. But I have to, because if I don't I'll just slash myself one day and die when no one knows I died.
But thank you guys, for everything.
I love you all.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
♥ Sunday, March 04, 2007
OH MY GOD I LOVE LIT.
I shall be Mrs Atticus Finch.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
ups and downs, highs and lows.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
♥ Saturday, March 03, 2007
I know I have not been blogging for long. :D it's been busy so be lenient yeah?
I can't really blog now either, I have;
HCL on monday, shot put heats on tuesday+geog, and Math on wednesday.
By now you should have realised that these three are my WORST subjects.
So I am becoming a nerd until Wednesday. :D
Don't bug me now! I am going to mug like a maggot.
