What do you know?

There's nothing you know. You don't know how much I love you, and you don't how much I'd wish you'd give me security. In front of you I act like I'm okay,and that you needn't pay special attention to me, because I can take care of myself. Because that's how it's always been.

But you don't know how I'd wish for someone to take care of me for a change. Ah, that nobody knows. I've been taking care of others for almost my whole thirteen years now; cousins, friends, family. I'm known as ''the tall girl who wears a tie and is independent" to people. Everyone at home knows me as thenicejessica who went with her grandmother to Europe by herself at the age of six. I'm the unpaid babysitter who spends holidays in Jakarta with her younger cousins instead of relaxing myself in someplace where I can have a lot of time to think about myself. Someplace like San Francisco.

I can't believe I made myself leave that beautiful place. Cool weather, beautiful scenery, quaint little dream house with beige walls and a nice garden at the front. Straight, neat rows of houses by the roadside, all enchanting and grand, each one standing up for its own uniqueness. The fisherman's wharf, where I got the clam chowder deliciously made. SF State University, where my mom first studied in and got her sweet memories of the U. Daly City, where my mom lived. The extra-sugar donuts, which were so sweet my mom kept drinking water after I forced one in her mouth.

The view on top of twin peaks, the whole of San Francisco. Houses looked like monopoly ones, cars looked like ants. The breeze like the ones at the beaches, blowing against my hair. The up and down roads, the city's curviest road, the city's longest road; all the places we went on that day in our rented car. I wonder why when people ask me where I went during the June holidays, the first one I tend to say is San Francisco. Not LA, not Vegas, not Alaska, not Canada. San Francisco. The place where I had the most time to think about myself. The escape from reality.

And you don't know how much I want to go there with you. You never know anyway, because I haven't told you. But I cant tell you what you don't know. Because then you'll never find out how much I really want to go there. But oh, five years. Five more years until University, where I'll definitely want to go to San Francisco instead of anywhere else. Five more years until I can start thinking about myself instead of others. And you don't know how much five years mean to me.

I don't understand why you don't know. I think it's rather obvious, isn't it? I'm yearning, for a lost love, for a broken soul, for a heart that needs mending, to be mended. Why can't you give me either one even if I'm thinking about you all the time? I'm yearning, yes, but I'm not getting what I need. Someone to help me escape reality. Someone who will be more than willing to bring me away from reality.

I can't wait to go to San Francisco again. It's my parent's territory, simmy's New Zealand, and my San Francisco. But for now I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a place where I seem to belong but belonging to the job of watching over other people instead of thinking about myself. It's not I don't want to, but I don't want to do it all the time. I'm settling other people's problems instead of solving mine. It's not fair. It's not fair that I have to care about other people and other people don't care about me. It's just not fair. But that's always been how the way it goes.

Isn't it?



I hate going to school.
Let's see, to get to school I have to;

1) Get up at bloody 5.50 in the morning when the sun hasn't even reached Europe.

2) Sleep sitting on the bed and wake up at regular intervals of 3 minutes when my bloody phone finally rings again.

3) Walk 8 metres to my bloody wardrobe and get the uniform out of there stuck in some corner.

4) Get to the bathroom where the bloody door has been taken off and squeeze into either the toilet or the showering cubicle with half my eyes closed and change there.

5) Wash up and wear badges and the bloody watch that rings every 12am, and tie hair.

6) Walk out into the bloody freezing room and turn the aircon fan down to low and bring the temperature up to 25degrees.

7) Wear my pink SFStateU pullover on and pack my bloody bag, which is impossible because all my papers are in messes in some corner of the table/shelf.

8) Get out of BS by 6.30am bloody sharp.

9) Walk on that long bloody stretch of black tar and to the bus stop, which is approximately 300metres away.

10) Wait 5-10 minutes for the bus usually with my bloody humongous guitar or math file.

11) Prevent myself from sleeping on the bloody bus because I can hardly keep my eyes open.

12) Cross a bloody overhead bridge and walk about 50metres to another bus stop, take another bus and drop after one stop. (If you take 171, that is. I still have 151 and 154 and 156 but I shall not talk about that anymore)

13) Walk another bloody 200metres to the classroom once I reach school.

14) Leave in 10 minutes for BlkElvl4 which is four bloody flights of stairs up with my tie.

15) Stay at BlkElvl4 for a bloody 5 minutes turning off the corridor lights and then climb back down four more floors and into the classroom.

See? Anyway, I'm still in that 'bloody' craze thing from today's first block. I shall not describe. It was so darn amusing. And its surprising I could concentrate in every class except English because my tum was making weird noises and all the gastric acids kept attacking. And April said its dangerous cos if one day I die they'll think it was suicide because there's acid and if someone really murders me then I shall be in grief.

Priscilla is so hilarious when she looks like a sheep with her hair.

nuggets;jessicaa


<3 jessicaa

I LOVE. APRILAHMENGSIMMYLUCYCHERNTZEKAINI.

I think I've officially been caught by april and priscilla and simmy and lucy and cherntze's bug! I don't really feel like posting a sad or philosophical one right now cause I'm just too happy. Let's see, just today alone;

1) Charlotte and I finished presenting Chi PT! YAY

2) Charlotte and I finished writing Chi PT zuowen!Y AYE

3) Kaini and Lucy made up! (((: No more awkward silences in A402

4) Increased Room Spirit! *whoosh!*

5) Seen Lucy and Cherntze being kiasu 17 times. *whah*

6) Had 18 for Lit Test! (:

7) April had 17 for lit test! ((:

8) Priscilla had 21 for Lit Test! ((:

9) Simmy had 22 for lit test! ((:

10) I should now stop the lit test thing.

11) There was so less homework!

12) I understood Math!

13) Joey and I went crazy over the Kingdom of Pasta during Bio.

14) Cheryl and I played on one team while Pris/Nat/RachA/Krys plus some more played on one for netball and we won.

15) Qianyu and I went crazy over HSM songs after school and kept singing like dummies. We need a dummy's guide to singing, pronto.

16) One step closer to happiness. WHAHA.

17) Got a really sweet phone call!

18) Had 96 new mail! (although most are from t3slyahoogroups but still)

19) Had tutor-roomies dinner. (it wasnt really fun but there was room spirit anyway)

20) Got pril to break diet.

But disadvantages!:

1) I owe Chelsea 1cmsquare of aluminium foil for saying that I will fail lit test.

2) I owe Amelia 1cmsquare of aluminium foil for saying that I will fail lit test.

3) I made Charlotte print out all Chi PT stuff!

4) I got knocked on the head and my glasses flew off because of netball.

5) Someone is still sick.

6) My Mom can't go online to talk to me.

7) I just found many ants in our secret hiding place.

8) There were bees in school.

9) I do not have PE shorts and there is PE tomorrow.

10) There will most likely be bees in school tomorrow.

Oh man. But overall it was a good day. Let's do some more things. I shall attempt the 100 random facts about me thing tomorrow. Now I'm dead tired from thinking of bees and PE shorts and ants and Chi PT and my headache and ALUMINIUM FOIL. Oh and there's Netball Carns to help out with. Get cracking, man.

<3>

Sunday, August 13, 2006

♥ Sunday, August 13, 2006

I'll just continue my last post.
Love. There are so many definitions that I cannot tell you which one is true and which one is false. Because I guess that's how love is. Something that can never be defined, no matter how great you are. Even if you have a PhD, a Masters; you still can't live without love. That's what it is, a necessity.
Love can take you through hard times. I say this with a certain confidence in me, because I have experienced it. All that I write, experience counts. I do not write false accusations, because all that is felt is what brings me to write. Without feelings, I will not write.
Why must love be mistaken? Why does love only appear as romantic love, although it makes up a huge part of the word. I used to be one of the people who would cringe at the word love, for thought that it was something I should avoid, because it would ruin me. But now I'm not afraid anymore, because I have felt it, and I have lived.
I see love as a circle, perhaps. One that starts out as a dot, and then slowly opening up its space, swallowing more and more space into its realm. Very soon the whole space is swallowed into the circle, and for reasons no one can explain. It's magical; it comes when it does, it goes when it goes. It isn't predictable.
When love comes, you can't run away from it, because if you do, then you'll be decepting yourself. There isn't much to say about love, because when you're in it, its self explanatory. Everything falls into place neatly.
Don't be afraid to fall in love. If you're afraid to get hurt when you fall in love, then well, I'll say that its a part of falling in love. No one can ever escape hurt, because love makes you do things that you don't think you would ever do. But at the end it is all worth it.
At least it is, for me.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

♥ Saturday, August 12, 2006

MOULIN ROUGE!

The greatest thing you can learn is to love, and be loved in return.

That sentence said it all, and that's why I don't have anything else to say.Yes, to love comes with its pains, but without love life is meaningless. A life without love, I cannot imagine. Love is not just for your other half, but for the people around you, the people who you are with everyday. But again, there is no telling which people really know you for who you are.

Pain. Love creates a kind of pain which no other feeling can replace, the pain that your love was betrayed, and never appreciated in the first place. Betrayal is but another despicable method of abusing the love you received, the faith.

Now I shall leave this post for Chi PT. See you like, tomorrow.

All it takes (rewrite)

Saturday, August 05, 2006

♥ Saturday, August 05, 2006

RE: All it Takes (Rewrite)

Chapter One
It was the farewell party of band camp and the few last dances. I was with my best friend, Ellyn, and a few of the other guitarists who we'd spent afternoons practicing with, slogging out, and finally making our performance last night. I turned to all the new people I've got to known from these three weeks, from passing by without a word to familiar faces. I would miss them, a lot. But I missed home, my friends in school, my sisters.

It was right when I was going to speak to Ellyn when Mrs Ganghes, the counselor tapped on my shoulder and whisked me away into the office, where I left her all alone on the dancing floor. It was with great reluctance that I followed her, but when your counselor wants you to go to her office to pick up a phone call from your 24-year old sister, you have just got to do it. But really, I had to admit I was a tad excited. Sarah and I were what you called glue sisters, which was extended to a trio when our 13-year old sister Ashley came along.

But Sarah had never done this. Called me through the office, I mean, during camp. Perhaps it was this understanding that told me that something was wrong.

"Sarah?" I said, feeling rather awkward with Mrs Ganghes still staring at me like I had done something wrong to get an adult to call me through the office.

There was a pause before Sarah's voice came on. "Rachel. Can you come home right now?"

"Definitely. I'm just gonna be home in a few hours or so. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, honey. I just," a pause, "missed you loads."

"No, Sarah. Tell me what's wrong. You're my sister and I know you," I said, sounding firm. When it came to things concerning my sister, I was pretty tough.

There was a pause, longer than the other two. And then sobs came on. Even with the distance between us, even when we couldn't see each other, I could tell that there was an unspeakable pain in her. I braced myself for what was coming next, although clueless.

"It's Tom, Rachel," she cried.

Tom was the love of her life, and Ashley and I weren't surprised one bit when they finally announced their wedding early last year. Tom was the kind of person who would stay home to 'take care' of us with Sarah when Sarah couldn't make it for dates instead of going for bowling with his friends late-night. He wasn't the kind of person who most men were; he was already like a father to us, just like how Sarah had been a mother. After they had gotten married, everyone had less housework to do. Tom would help out, and he did, too. He changed light bulbs and fixed Christmas trees, and even made brownies sometimes. Ashley and I always caught Sarah and Tom glancing at each other and smiling during dinner, where we sat on the same table.

I thought Tom had done something wrong and she had been feeling cranky again, just as she had been the last few weeks. Although Sarah was strong when it came to Ashley and me, but she was exceptionally vulnerable where matters of the heart were concerned. Just as I was going to tell her that she should let things go for the hundredth time, she started to speak.

"He's gone, Rachel." She sobbed, this time even louder. "He's dead,"

The truth entered like shattered pieces of glass piercing into my heart. But no amount of wounds could compare to the pain that I felt inside. Unlike these scars, the truth would never heal, ever.

"No, Sarah. No way," I managed to speak. The shock that overwhelmed me was too much to deal. "It's impossible, man. It's impossible."

Sarah's cries continued. But I didn't seem to hear them, my mind was somewhat lost in this dream, this nightmare that was impossible. It was impossible that Thomas; her husband, our brother, the man in the house; was dead. No. Impossible.

"Look," I said in a shaky voice, after getting myself back on track. "I'll come home right now, okay? Wait for me,"

"Okay. I’ll wait,"

I hung up the phone, and I ran out of the office, leaving Mrs Ganghes looking bewildered. She called after me as I stepped out, but I didn’t care. I searched for Ellyn around campus and finally found her with one of the guitarists.

"You look like a cow who just ran all the way from home, or something," Ellyn said as I panted. Although I admired Ellyn's sense of humour, I wasn't really in the mood for a joke.

"Shut up. I need a ride home. Sarah won't be coming today," I snapped, rather impatiently. Ellyn apparently got her driving license earlier than I did, since she was a few months older.

"What's wrong?" she looked at me suspiciously.

"Tom's dead," I blurted it out, quickly.

"Oh my-"

"I need your car. Sarah is breaking down," I interrupted.

"You pack the bags. I'll get the car,"

We started on the way home. I couldn't sleep the first part of the journey. However hard I tried to get the thoughts, the nightmare out of my head, they always found a way to creep back into my memory. I was afraid that I would break down too if I kept on thinking, and there would be no one, no one at all, to support Sarah and Ashley.

Our parents died when Sarah was 18; I was 10 and Ashley was merely 7. For these 6 years, Sarah quit school, worked single-handedly to provide for us, and fulfilled a sister's responsibility-not to mention a mother's-with great success, with help from only the money and the house that our parents left us. It was a painful time and a very hard period to get through. Back then at night I'd hear Sarah crying, but I didn't do anything. As a ten-year old, I didn't really understand what death meant.

I remember the first night clearly, when Sarah took us to the beach and the three of us were lying side by side in the sand; Ashley, Sarah, and then me. We lay still; the sound of waves crashing in the distance, the wind blowing at the trees and making the leaves rustle. The stars above seemed to be winking at us, and I was sure Mom and Dad were somewhere up there, watching over us.

"Let's go home, Sarah," Ashley had said. "Mommy and Daddy will kill us if we get home so late,"

Ashley was far too young to understand, Sarah and I had discussed it.

"Mom and Dad won't be home, Ashley," I said after a while, trying to sound strong when I wasn't. Truth was, tears were filling my eyes again.

"Why? Where did they go?" Ashley asked again.

"They went to this beautiful place where they are happy, Ashley, and they won't be coming back in a long, long time," Sarah said, softly.

"Really? But I'll miss them, Sarah. I really will miss them a lot,"

"Oh yeah? I've got an idea. Whenever you want to talk to them, look up to the stars. Then Mommy and Daddy will listen to you," a pause. "Wherever they are. They'll be listening, I'm sure,"

I started to cry at this, and I brought my hand up to my mouth to seal in the noise. Sarah grabbed hold of my hand and held it tight, and wiped the tears off my face as I cried. Ashley was starting to count the stars, and I envied her innocence, that ignorance was bliss. One, two, three. Four, five, six, before I entered the realm of fantasy, into my dream where life was the way it was: perfect, and beautiful.

* * * * *

"Hey," Ellyn woke me as she pulled into the driveway of my house. We lived opposite, so it was really convenient. I sat up in my seat, before remembering that I was no longer in camp, and that things have tremendously changed since I left this house three weeks ago. It was time for me to be strong.

"You coming in?" I asked Ellyn.

She shook her head. "I'd better give you sisters some alone time. But I'll go over for dinner, okay? I'll fix it and bring your luggage over at the same time,"

"Thanks," I gave her a hug. Ellyn was about the best of a best friend you could get. Without her, I would truly be nobody. She always knew the right things to do at the right time.

I sighed as I got out of the car. I walked to the door to find it partially open. Pushing it, I stood as I saw Sarah and Ashley hugging in the kitchen, Sarah with her apron and a pile of dishes on the sink in front of her. Both of them were crying, I knew, and as Sarah saw me she stretched out a hand to invite me into the embrace. I walked over briskly, and the three of us stood there for a long time, teardrops trickling down, cleaning the floor of its sins.

Sarah, Ashley and I. Nothing else seemed to matter. We didn't need words, we didn't need condolences. I felt a little awkward at first in the silence, but I didn't care. I would learn. But for now, being there for them was the most important thing in the world, just like the way it had been 6 years ago. Except that now the innocence had faded into something mature, the caterpillar had transformed and grown to a beautiful butterfly, soaring its wings and flying to a beautiful place where its troubles would be gone for just those few minutes.

Sarah Lachey needed me.

It sounded like a weird taste in my mouth at first. I was always the one who needed her. But hey. It was a good start.

Trust

Thursday, August 03, 2006

♥ Thursday, August 03, 2006

Trust.

It's something that you put into someone when you know that he can be trusted. It's a mutual feeling of respect and faith that he will do you proud, that he will make things alright. The feeling that always tells you that your decision is right, and that he will not fail you. The kind that I've always been longing to have towards some people, who have repeatedly hurt me.

There are visible bruises everywhere on me. But no pain can compare to the one that I have in my heart, where someone has taken away the trust I have put in him and taken it for granted. Sure, it is not your fault, but shouldn't you have done something instead of being a coward and giving up. Yet, you giving up and following the situation isn't the reason why I'm hurt, probably, which doubled my shoulders of burden just for today alone. And today's burdens are not little.

It's the trust I put in you. It's the faith in you that disappointed me, because it turned out that you weren't who I thought you were. I thought you were strong, and you knew how to fight for people who you think deserve it. And I understand you. Because around us are people who are trying to be who they're not, who are being selfish, who don't feel bad about things they should feel bad about.

But they want me to feel bad, isn't it? Not them. I was the one who came between you guys, who came and broke you apart, and left you without a friend. But a real friend is someone who wins or loses with you, together, and not forcing others to follow in what they have planned. He is grown up, so just shut up and let him make his oen decisions, because if not then he will never grow, and he will never learn the ways of life.
But oh. Their insecurities of losing you. I know that feeling. The fact that they are losing you quick, fast, to a bunch of people that they first took on. The fear of losing you to people who you like.

To think that I considered myself selfish in the first place. Selfish for not considering my parents' feelings when I decided to stay. Selfish for running away from the truth and decepting myself in the workload. But I can only hide myself from the people around me, and I cannot hide myself from me. There will be a day when our friendship comes to an end, and when it does, it's probably nobody's fault. The sparks just disappear, into somewhere no one can imagine. The fine line between love and hatred is stretched, and so that's how it goes at the very end.

But now that you've hurt me, it's gonna be time before you win my trust again, and when I do, I hope that you won't break it another time, because I won't be able to take it anymore, and maybe that's when the thread of love and hatred breaks. But maybe then a miracle will happen, and my trust in you will never be gone, because it has never been.

Three Wishes

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

♥ Tuesday, August 01, 2006

If I had three wishes, I would not wish for money, for money is a superficial thing, something that influences me, my real self, and hides me from who I really am.
If I had three wishes, I would not wish for a long life, for a long life comes along with its pains, its tragedy, its ailments. Its up and downs of life, and the complications that follow.
If I had three wishes, I would not wish for me to be perfect, for being perfect comes with its responsibilities, its expectations from others. The demand of duties from people is what you get when you are perfect, so I prefer to stay my way and rely on my perfect imperfections instead.
If I had three wishes, I would not wish for all that.
If I had three wishes.
If I had three wishes, I would wish for me to be around people whom I love, to be with the people who love me most. Because it is something that I'm lacking, something that I would want most of those people to do. I don't want your treats nor your presents. I just want you to be around me, to care for me, to love me. Because even though other people give me the care I should probably get, they can never replace you. I want to see your faces everyday, because now I can't anymore, your faces are just but a picture, an image, a memory in my mind, that can never be erased clean.
If I had three wishes, I would wish for Someone to come. I want him to be the one who I share my thoughts with, who I tell my feelings to, who can help me be who I am. Who can take a part of me and put it in himself. So that wherever he goes, I will always be with him, and he will always be with me. A part of me, in everywhere I go, in whatever I do.
If I had three wishes, I would wish for a paradise. A land of peace where I can escape to, away from reality. A place that I can call home, where I truly belong, with a feeling so strong which even I can sense. Where singing never stops, because the land is free flowing, a place where we get to express what we really feel about things. A place where not a trace of reality can find its way through the invisible walls, ones that we call fantasy.
Yet I have to leave, because I am late.
For reality.
But if I had three wishes, I would definitely not choose wealth, and all that kind of things. Wish for the blind to see, the deaf to hear, the mute to talk. Wish for wishes for those around you, because hurting yourself is better than hurting others.

i’m jessica
but you can call me jem
210693
fifteen
rvian
rafflesian
sph
nygbs
rgge

loves Jesus,
jessica tan,
netball,
gilmore girls,
fridays,
english,
guitars,
blue,
jack johnson,
and her latest craze john mayer

rivervalley
jess . fran . krist . daniel . marilyn . nadia . joey . anqi . charis . xiaowei . lyn . walter . huixin . weilun . jiansheng . nic . mon . six'a ohfive. cherylgan.

bs&out
lucy . kaini . cherntze . zihui . sarah . jeanice one . jeanice two . jocelyn . claudia .

raffles06
pris . simmy . ellyn . tien . yufang . danetta . priya . qianyu . jenny . natalie . liting . cheryl ng . racheltan . wenyan . eunice . huizi . huanying . oneohfour'oh six .

raffles07
anqi . berenice . cherylkoh . cherylchan . eenette . ellie . jessica chan . jiaying . jovina . kathy . khaingzin . miranda . sylvia . wanshuen .

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