Sunday, January 18, 2009
♥ Sunday, January 18, 2009
Oh my love, I have a terrible toothache that really leads to a devastating headache. I am this close to bashing my brains out with a rock, I reckon that would make my head feel better because I think that really is what it wants me to do.
22. Stop missing him, it has only been two days.
Today I bought a push pop. You are going to tell me that I am childlike but I don't care because push pops are absolutely unhealthy and sweet and ungrape-like, although it says right there that it is of grape taste. But no, it really does not take like grapes. It tastes more like frozen raisin syrup.
Speaking about grapes, I absolutely loved my trip to visit the kids today. Okay so I realise it makes no sense whatever right now but read on. There was a new arrival (not something I should actually be happy about) but he was so adorable because he was the only CHUBBY one and he is about 7 months old and his name is Joshua. He couldn't stop salivating all over me but that was okay because he had grape-like toes. It is just so adorable, people with grape-like toes. His foot was about half of my palm but that was okay because it meant that he was of allright weight, which served to be a useful thing because i was carrying him for an approximate hour.
I do not even know why I am blogging. I guess it is part of not talking to anyone else, and part of post-guitarhero mood. I really become very chatty after guitarhero sessions, perhaps for the reason that when you stare at the screen and concentrate for too long, when you look elsewhere everything becomes squirmish. Am I even making sense, i think not.
I have had nothing to do after an unfamily-like night, and so I have been reading my saved conversation history and making up Stickies, which you Mac users have to absolutely make use of. I have six currently on my dashboard, along with a little itunes MP3 looking player, the dictionary, calculator and the date. The catch is they are all of different colours.
By the way, mac users. Is it just me or have I just found out the coolest thing ever on our computers? Look at this † or this ® or this π or this ç or this © or this º just press alt- something. Try it out will you, I had so much fun with that today.
I am such in an essay mood. I have just given Lucks a whole paragraph to write about Why Do I Create and in that essay I have used a lot of difficult words that just tumbled out of my mouth for no reason at all. Editing books is such a good way to improve your english.
So anyways, I am gona go. Back to reading old conversations, such nostalgia.
23. Love. Everything.
Friday, January 16, 2009
♥ Friday, January 16, 2009
I don't know why, but something is pricking me like what is in Juliet's vial.
And it really, really hurts.
♥ Friday, January 16, 2009
I haven't been updating this place much, but I guess that is because I have too much of my talking done online.
I have been quite tensed on the writing, actually. I just wrote two very long emails to two very important people in my life, seeing how it was a Friday and so to TGIF, I have been munching on several unhealthy snacks that I am definitely not proud of ever since I got home.
On a lighter note I am looking forward to dinner today. For no particular reason, don't get me wrong, I just have a feeling that tonight's dinner will include steak and cheese.
Studying Romeo and Juliet has given me quite a bit of an insight. First of all compared to the Merchant of Venice I actually knew what they were talking about. Thanks to my trusty Sparknotes (!) guide which has literally saved my ass for the while.
Oh yes, I have yet to obsess about Sparknotes. If you haven't already been on, you should go check it out. I signed up to be a member for free, of course and I haven't regretted that one bit. I have been going around and speaking on message boards debating about RELIGION, which is really funny because that is not what I usually do, but hopefully I will continue my involvement in Sparknotes because it has cool message boards and free SAT preparation tests and whatnot. Have I also expressed the sudden urge to return to playing Neopets again?
School recently has been uneventful. At least, to me. It seems to be really boring although its picking up its pace, but everyone seems busy with their own things. I guess I will just have to hang on and see what happens, no?
Hope everyone is doing allright.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
♥ Thursday, January 08, 2009
21. It's okay to fall head over heels in love sometimes.
Lesson of the year. Cheers :)
Monday, January 05, 2009
♥ Monday, January 05, 2009
Lines I Want My Brain To Tell My Heart - something I just came up with last night, while talking to a lot of depressed people and feeling God's love in me. I'll just casually add more lines, I don't think there's a limit :) If you're feeling a little down, why not give the list a go?
1. It's not the end of the world.
2. Let go. It's the only way you can be free.
3. I dislikes how you are a walking stick of emotions.
4. There's always a way out. You just can't see it yet.
5. The only reason (besides the fact that Shakespeare loves writing tragedies) that Romeo and Juliet died was because Shakespeare needed to convey that love is eternal in death. So technically, love doesn't last forever. Especially when you're fifteen.
6. If you don't succeed, try, try again.
7. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
8. Life sucks. Just accept it and don't ask why.
9. You can only live Monday, 5 January 2009, 18:09:54 once. There will never be another Monday, 5 January 2009, 18:09:54. Don't go wasting it now.
10. Carpe diem - seize the day.
11. Tell yourself that you are beautiful, and you are.
12. If something hurts, get rid of it.
13. Don't wait until it is too late.
14. Forgive.
15. Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth.
16. Everybody loves meatballs.
17. It's right if it's difficult. Whoever said life was a bed of roses.
18. Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair.
And my personal favourites. At least, for the meantime.
19. "Death is easy. Life is much harder."
20. "But I could not have regretted the circumstances that brought me face to face with death, for they also brought me to Edward."
I don't see the point of this list. But I was just thinking of it last night, and anyways it is to save me from a future breakdown of any sort, though I don't see any in the coming. But you know. Just in case.
It seems like a lot of people aren't happy these days. In fact to say 'aren't happy' is a very obvious understatement. These days KIDS are depressed - go figure that out. I mean, we get to be teenagers once, no? Might as well spend the time with a smile on your face.
Lots of love xoxo
Sunday, January 04, 2009
♥ Sunday, January 04, 2009
I had fun today.
I am now speeding my way through eat pray love again - which surprises me how I haven't gotten bored, seeing how this book gets me bored if I read it too fast - and I'm at the part where Liz is in Bali and I'm thinking why I can't be her.
On the way back from the mall I came across many songs in my dad's car, which has an impressive stereo, undeniably. Though many of them included food (Chocolatte and the McDonald's-McDonald's-Kentucky-Fried-Chicken-And-The-Pizza-Hut song, as well as some weird one that included the lyrics Put Your Pants On) there was this song. I just thought it was how I felt. Feel.
Superwoman - Karyn White
Early in the morning I put breakfast at your table
And make sure that your coffee has its sugar and cream
Your eggs are over easy, your toast done lightly
All that's missing is your morning kiss that used to greet me
Now you say the juice is sour, it used to be so sweet
And I can't help but to wonder if you're talking 'bout me
We don't talk the way we used to talk, it's hurtin' so deep
I've got my pride, I will not cry, but it's makin' me weak
I'm not your superwoman
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down and think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human
This girl needs more than occasional hugs as a token of love from you to me, oh baby
I fought my way through the rush hour trying to make it home just for you
I want to make sure that your dinner will be waiting for you
But when you get there you just tell me you're not hungry at all
You said you'd rather read the paper and you don't want to talk
You like to think that I'm just crazy when I say that you changed
I'm convinced I know the problem, you don't love me the same
You're just going through the motions and you're not being fair
I've got my pride, I will not cry; still I can't help but care
I'm not your superwoman
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down and think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human
This girl needs more than occasional hugs as a token of love from you to me
Oh, baby, look into the corners of your mind
I'll always be there for you through good and bad times
But I can't be that superwoman that you want me to be
I'll give my everlasting love if you'll return love to me
If you feel it in your heart and you understand me
Stop right where you are, everybody sing along with me
I'm the kind of girl that can treat you so sweet
But you got to realize that you got to be sweeter to me
I'm not your superwoman
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down and think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human
This girl needs more than occasional hugs as a token of love from you to me
I'm not your superwoman.
Pretty lyrics, but ugly truth.
(I would just like to tell you that my brother is singing Dragonstea Din Tei in the shower)
I wonder how many actually read my blog. None, if you think of it. Right now it's sort of a diary to just write down what I feel, rather than having to use pen and paper. The internet right now is sort of a lost and found engine for me - maybe some time later I'll forget about this blog entirely, and when I am eighty and old and gray and very sad indeed I'll turn on the computer and come to this website and reminisce about the olden days or something.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Anywho, I think I've decided to stop falling deeper. I don't know how I'm supposed to tell this to you, but I have to. Maybe tomorrow.
Or not.
P.S. Liz, I need your help.
Friday, January 02, 2009
♥ Friday, January 02, 2009
You have no idea how much death loves me. It practically sticks to me like some annoying slug but sadly these feelings are far from mutual.
I think I'm starting to realise some things about myself. Some things I never actually dared to admit because I know it's right (talk about denial, I'm a hundred percent) and haha, God's realised that I have to wake up some day and He's decided The Time Has Come.
I really don't know how to be a friend.
It's not that I haven't been trying. Really. I don't know if it's me or if its just them - some people say I spoil them too much. This might be something to do with the gifts, or it might just be that I have a soft spot for hurt so I really like that snail to cling onto me. I don't really know when to stop being there.
And here you are, telling me that you are gona die. Ideally, in my other universe, i.e my head, the situation isn't what it is. The doctors made a mistake, yeah, you're just being silly, you heard wrong. Or I jump in with these beautiful words that make you cry and get up and stop all this shit and save your ass because of all the good advice and healthy, bland food I force you to eat. I would love to be able to do that. Again, it's not that I haven't been trying. But it's so impossibly difficult I really need you to work with me on this.
But then, although in theory I would be awesome and come up with all these sweet, sweet words that make you feel so safe you would stop crying, or give you an adrenaline rush and speed up all bodily healing processes; or in theory, I would fly over to where you are and hug you so tight and tell you that I need you to stay alive; or in theory, I would be the one right til the end, even if all else turned out bad; or in theory, I would know what to say, or do.
Yet in practical I fail so badly. I wanted to save you, but I didn't know how. I wanted to say all the right things, but nothing came out. I wanted so badly to do something that would just make all this go away and keep you there. But I couldn't.. as if some witch just put a spell on me and I'm just stuck in the moment, doubting your words. I don't know if you're lying, because you have - I don't know if you're telling the truth, because you have, either way.
I really want to be a really good friend, and yet I am turning incoherent.
Stuck by your words, stuck by the reality of it all. This might be a fancy essay, but death is no fancy procession. It just comes and takes you away, that is all it does. You might have a funeral and going-away ceremony, but with death itself it's swift - sometimes as sharp as a swiss army knife, sometimes as fast as bolts of lightning separating molecules - and so swift, you'll just miss it in the blink of an eye.
And that's why I can't blink and turn away and pretend everything's allright. On the bright side, I've grown stronger. I don't ever remember how I could sit through that conversation and tell a dying person that it's all gonna be allright when I know maybe this time words can't turn the tables around. I also still don't know how to save you - heck, saving myself is hard enough. I just had no idea what to talk to you about, how to talk about vegetables and relationships and I didn't know how to talk about the weather and the summer and the winters and the plane ride and my itunes when all you were doing was crying in your bed knowing you wouldn't be able to do this very soon.
It's painful when it's like this. Call it swift, if you will. If he's taking you away, then do it before I fall in love.
