Tuesday, January 30, 2007
♥ Tuesday, January 30, 2007
I shall officially declare that the last post was my hundredth post in this lovely blog : D
well im sorry but i have A LOT MORE WORK TO DO so i have to run off and do my history essay. yes. bye dudes.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
♥ Sunday, January 28, 2007
This is it. I know I might lose him today. I know I don't want to but I'm not doing anything to stop it.
Because probably they were meant to be. Probably I wasn't supposed to be in that. Probably I shouldn't have. But I know it's partly my fault they're like this. It's partly my fault that things didn't work out between them. Maybe this time if i don't interfere things will go smoothly and I can see my best friend living happily, and I can pretend to be happy because I love her too.
But it's so hard. I know it's going to happen. I know that I want to do something about it but I don't. I don't do anything to keep him. Because I don't want to hurt her. Because I know I love her (as a friend, of course. as a best friend). And I want her to be happy.
I guess you could say that this is dramatic. Too dramamtic to be true. But seriously, the truth? It's like that.
I know inside I'm crumbling as the minutes go by, the seconds pass the day, the messages fill up my inbox. I pretend to not care, I try to not care, but I can't. Every single word he says; she says about him; it breaks me inside to know. But at the same time I want to know. I don't want to not know, because not knowing just means that there are more things I don't know. I don't need to lengthen that list.
Irony? That's one word to say now. Hypocrisy? Maybe. Maybe I am one. Pretending to want to know but actually when I know I don't want to think it's true. Pretending to be okay when I know I can't take it. Pretending that I don't like him anymore. Ain't that hypocrisy?
I don't know what I'm turning into anymore. I never used to be like this. Never used to love a friend that much, never used to like a guy that much. Never used to believe in love. But now I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I know, it's just that I don't want to admit it.
Give me strength, to pass through this as myself and not as someone else. Give me the courage to stand up strong and not fall. Give me the strength to stop loving him.
And with each and every word he says; it breaks my heart to know it's true.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
♥ Saturday, January 27, 2007
if i could, i would have taken a thousand pictures of the five of us just now.
if i could, i would have cried when we were about to go home.
if i could, i'd love to spend a whole day just hanging around with jess, talking about just about anything we could talk about, and anything there was to talk about, like we do on all weekend nights.
if i could, i'd love to loop my hand through hers as we walked; shopping, talking, having fun, nothing like the weekdays where we would be too busy to talk about anything serious.
if i could, i'd love to hug her a million times and never leave the moment.
if i could, i would have never let go of jess.
if i could, i would.
i cant believe how fast time passed us. from eleven in the morning til 6; it wasnt a short time. but it seemed like it was just an hour. walking along the familiar mall ive known so well, where each and every shop was, what they sold. it would have been a bore if i'd just walked alone. there's nothing to see, nothing to do, nothing to laugh at. no one who really mattered.
and when it came to leaving, i didn't want to. i didn't want to leave the kookooface family :D not just because i knew i wouldnt see them soon, but also that i knew i would never want to leave these people. the people who helped me get up. and neither did i want to end the day. i could never tell you how much i looked forward to this. countdowns. squealing over saturday. not doing homework. although im really, really tired and my back hurts so so bad. i knew that i would never have left the place if they hadnt. i don't need to give a reason. i know because i know me.
but i just want to tell you guys that. i love you guys. even the kids :D just being around you guys is the most comforting solace i could ever get. and of course hugging my bucket is so nice.
and if i could hold on to you forever, i would. i've got no doubts about that.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
♥ Thursday, January 25, 2007
oh.
i was going to post about this long philosophically inclined thing about perfection after ms seah's lesson today.
but i guess im not in the mood now.
well. finished baking those presents. jessica you'd better love me and be touched to tears cos my bloody hand still hurts when i write. hopefully it'll be well by monday, or something.
im watching westlife videos on youtube now.
GO SHANE FILANNN! mwahaha.
love's the heart that's afraid of breaking; it's the dream that's afraid of waking.
seems like love's weak, and strong at the same time.
and marriage? it's what brings them together. it's what brings other people together, too.
and babies? they just bring them closer. but they could also separate them.
and teenagers? i don't know. i guess i'm holding on to my faith these days. marriage is the grave of love? prove me wrong, mon.
and why wont you bloody come online man! how long have we not talked huh!
anyway. okay bye. i dont know i feel lazy to post.
adios ladies.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
♥ Saturday, January 20, 2007
ah, i find humour in my daily life.
simmy is so entertaining! there's this convo we had sms, and i shall paste it here to announce the future marriage of daniel and renee : D or me and some jonathan guy. HAHA. but i dont think it will work out between jonathan and me, because basically my brother's name is jonathan too, and jonathan will probably irritate me like most jonathans who i know do. yes. so my solution is that although jonathan is 16 and he plays basketball, he is probably as irritating as my brother who is ten and plays tennis : D
OKAY. stop writing long sentences.
me: sim! how old is renee and when's her birthday?
sim: she's three this year, and her birthday's on twenty second of february. why?
me: ! my cousins are about her age! i dont know why i just realised that. and my cousins are WAY FATTER.
sim: yay! THEY CAN GET MARRIED! maybe its just babyfat! are they boys?
me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! married?!?! simmy! yeah one of em is a boy. lol. his name is daniel and he looks like a handsome lifeguard boy when he swims.
sim: Wahaha!! but renee's not very feminime. she already has the tennis tan! do you think he'd like sporty girls?
me: HAHAHA! oh but he's a june baby! four months younger!! imagine, we'll be sitting on lovely tables while they have their wedding kiss! omg!
sim: nevermind! in love, age is but a frivolous matter!
me: *sends simmy daniel's picture*
me: simmy! HAHA. that's dan's picture. i'll show you a video of him on monday!
sim: lol! ah, his tan matches renee's! a match made in heaven!
me: SIMMY! oh my god so hilarious! daniel and renee; wedding reception. oh we should be their wedding receptionists! omg!
sim: lol! i think we're thinking a bit too far, though, ha. i should introduce you to my cousin instead! much better.
me: what do you mean much better? do you have a cousin that's a bit older than 3?
me: !?! FOR ME?!
sim: yes, you! muahahaha.
me: HAHAHA! TELL ME MORE!
to protect simmy's cousin from unnecessary humiliation, i shall not copy further. : D
BUT IT WAS A WORTHWHILE TALK. A MEANINGFUL AND ENRICHING CONVERSATION. MUAHAHAHA.
and i might just marry her cousin who has the same name as my brother someday : D WHO KNOWS.
now simmy and i are fighting over nice names. she insists that she likes the name jonathan or danny. i go for kevin or alston.
i mean, SERIOUSLY, i like their NAMES. okay. names. get that. oh sheesh. talking with simmy/april/priscilla/fransis/mon/jt is so amusing. i am constantly amused. : D
okay well. going online now! so i shall leave my blog.
bye dudettes.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
♥ Wednesday, January 17, 2007
two oh four oh seven <3!
let's see, some people i've worked with/known better (exception of oneohfour graduates and yingting).
kathy, huiyi, jesschan, jovina, hannah(lovelylabpartner!), mag, eunice, sarah, amanda, kristie, gillian, cherylkoh.
okay fine, there are more, but hey, its good for a start. im not a social butterfly aint i?
committee has dorcas(chairwoman! ahaha!) and sylvia and kathy for vices. and berenice and janine. and xueshan and sarah.
i think 204'07 will be great (: let's all work towards a brighter future! : D
Monday, January 15, 2007
♥ Monday, January 15, 2007
OMG TALKING WITH FRANSIS IS SO AMUSING. and not to mention hilariously lame.
im in blue. she's in.. PINK. BAHAHAHAHA.
oh wait i just realised that mac doesnt allow colours in blogger for some very lame reason. im in a very high mood now so i shall refrain from cursing :D
c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] what. the. hell. says: (9:11:05 PM)
OMG HI WOMAN IM UR BLUE BROOM
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] what. the. hell. says: (9:11:12 PM)
BLUE BROOM AT UR SERVICE
- cherie jessica ]] affaire de chocolat (: says: (9:11:17 PM)
LOL
- cherie jessica ]] affaire de chocolat (: says: (9:13:22 PM)
do you know that my mortal is something like you? a bit
- cherie jessica ]] affaire de chocolat (: says: (9:13:28 PM)
except i have yet to see her lame side
- cherie jessica ]] affaire de chocolat (: says: (9:13:35 PM)
like how you were LAST NIGHT -.-
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] what. the. hell. says: (9:13:54 PM)
GGgggqgqgqgqgqgahagagahahha
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] what. the. hell. says: (9:13:56 PM)
HAHAHAHA
- cherie jessica ]] affaire de chocolat (: says: (9:14:13 PM)
oh god
- cherie jessica ]] affaire de chocolat (: says: (9:14:23 PM)
next time i have to tag at your blog as ERCHH
- cherie jessica ]] affaire de chocolat (: says: (9:14:27 PM)
AH ITS SO HUMOROUS
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] what. the. hell. says: (9:14:39 PM)
HAHAHA
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] what. the. hell. says: (9:17:37 PM)
(u can get very lame i have seen ur lame side b4 HAHAHA)
- cherie jessica ]] affaire de chocolat (: says: (9:17:46 PM)
I KNOW
- cherie jessica ]] affaire de chocolat (: says: (9:17:51 PM)
LIKE CALLING YOU MY BROOM
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] what. the. hell. says: (9:17:56 PM)
HJAHAHAHA
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] what. the. hell. says: (9:17:59 PM)
BABY BLUE BROOM
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] what. the. hell. says: (9:18:03 PM)
NONO SKY BLUE BROOM
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:18:19 PM)
SEE MY NICK SEEEE
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] what. the. hell. says: (9:18:31 PM)
BABY BLUE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:18:45 PM)
AHAHAHA
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:18:50 PM)
HAHAHA MINE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:18:51 PM)
blue broom and yellow bucket
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:19:00 PM)
i shall call kris SPONGE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:19:07 PM)
and i shall be SQUAREPANTS
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:19:11 PM)
HAHAHA
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:19:16 PM)
SPONGE SQUAREPANTS
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:19:16 PM)
NAH!
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:19:21 PM)
WHERES BOB
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:19:28 PM)
BOB IS KIWI
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:19:36 PM)
HEY WE MAKE THE KOOKOOFACE FAMILY AGAIN
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:19:43 PM)
kiwi is LORD KOOKOOFACE
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:19:45 PM)
-.- OMG NO
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:19:56 PM)
YOU ARE SICHH KOOKOOFACE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:19:59 PM)
*NYEHEHEHEHEHE*
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:20:02 PM)
MIGHT AS WELL NAME IT KOOKOOBIRD
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:20:12 PM)
JESS TAN IS DACHH KOOKOOFACE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:20:14 PM)
BAHAHAHAHHA
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:20:21 PM)
I FIND THE WORD KOOKOOFACE VERY AMUSING
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:20:25 PM)
okay um
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:20:31 PM)
I FIND THE WORD KOOKOOBIRD AMUSING TOO HAHAHAAH
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:20:32 PM)
KRISTAL IS SACHH KOOKOOFACE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:20:37 PM)
LOL!!!
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:20:43 PM)
AHAHAHHA
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:20:44 PM)
HAHAHAHA
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:20:51 PM)
AND SARA SHALL BE LADY KOOKOOFACE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:20:53 PM)
:D
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:21:00 PM)
WHAHAHAAHAH
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:21:11 PM)
then ure LORD KOOKOOFACES WIFE
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:21:14 PM)
NYAHAHAHAAHHA
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:21:16 PM)
EEEEEEEEEE
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:21:20 PM)
YAYYYYYYYYYY
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:21:21 PM)
I THOUGHT I WAS ERCHH KOOKOOFACE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:21:29 PM)
LORD KOOKOOFACE IS MY FATHER
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:21:31 PM)
BUT KIWI IS LORD KOOOKOO
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:21:32 PM)
AHAHAHHAHAHA
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:21:46 PM)
lord kookooface is my OLD MAN
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BLUE BROOM! says: (9:21:49 PM)
*NYEHEHEHEHEHEHE*
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:22:01 PM)
NO HES UR XIANG GONG
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:22:16 PM)
EEEEEEEEEEEEE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:22:19 PM)
LOOK AT MY NICK!
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] NO JIE! BABY BLUE! OR SKY BLUE says: (9:22:28 PM)
HAHAHA
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:22:49 PM)
my nick! HAHAHAA
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:23:06 PM)
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:23:10 PM)
FRANNEH!
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:23:14 PM)
YOU BIAN TAI WOMANN
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:23:18 PM)
AHHAHAHAA
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:23:25 PM)
I BIAN TAI U TAI BIAN
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:23:26 PM)
HAHAHA
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:23:35 PM)
WAHAHAHAHHA
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:23:43 PM)
I BIAN TAI YOU BIAN TAI WE ARE ALL BIAN TAI
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:23:50 PM)
THE KOOKOOFACE FAMILY IS BIAN TAI
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:23:57 PM)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:24:00 PM)
OMG IM SO LAMEEEEEEE
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:24:02 PM)
CAUSE WE ARE ALSO KOOKOOBIRDS
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:24:15 PM)
LOL
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:24:24 PM)
NO KOOKOOBIRDS DOES NOT = KOOKOOFACE
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:24:35 PM)
BUT WE ARE ALL KOOKOOS
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:24:53 PM)
cos you watch this MADELINE movie on PLAYHOUSE DISNEY CHANNEL and the duke's name is LORD KOOKOOFACE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:24:54 PM)
XD
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:25:12 PM)
WHAHAHAA
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:25:28 PM)
ITS SO AMUSING CAN
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:25:44 PM)
everytime the lord kookooface appear i'll laugh so madly and my brother will ask me to shut up
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:25:55 PM)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAaH
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:26:09 PM)
NYEHEEHEHEHE
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:27:29 PM)
READ MY PM, BROOM.
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:27:48 PM)
i cant see ur pm
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:27:54 PM)
im using windows msg
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:28:10 PM)
it goes, THE KOOKOOFACE FAMILY NEEDS A MOP! XD
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:28:48 PM)
WE ARE LAME RGHT
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:28:56 PM)
yeah okay dont answer i know the answer
[c=#619FDE]-frannie(: -[/c] [c=#80EAC8] candyfloss-[/c] AND YAY MY OWNER HAS A XIANG GONG says: (9:29:07 PM)
??? AHAHAHHHAHAAH
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:29:24 PM)
HMM. WHERE SHALL WE START
- cherie jessica ]] I HAVE A BABY BLUE BROOM! says: (9:29:26 PM)
NYEHEHEHEHE
yeah. so you can tell that me and sichh are very very lame when we're together. (; and i hope the kookooface family lvies happily every after :D
Friday, January 12, 2007
♥ Friday, January 12, 2007
i feel like i'm letting some people down.
the usual lovely suspects; jessica tan, monica, kevin, fransisca, sara, and even tien li. my new lovely class two oh four. everyone seems so happy, so excited, so...great. perhaps if things hadn't gone wrong i'd be like them. but as far as im going, i don't want to upset jess and the rest. i don't want to wallow in my own self pity and tell myself endless whatifs. because what's happened happened and i cant turn back the clock. i don't want to regret the decisions ive made later on.
i feel so weak, every time. but it's those few people who eventually come around and tell me things are okay, those people who cheer me up, as much as they can, at least. and i don't want to let them down.
i don't want to waste endless hours on the phone talking to jess, til way morning almost dawn since the night before. i don't want to waste all the time i spent talking to monica and fransis online, from afternoon til midnight, not exaggerating. i don't want to just throw away the expensive calls to australia talking to kevin and sara. i don't want to waste what tien li told me.
i don't want to waste their efforts, and i don't want to waste their time.
so i've decided, that im going to live whatever i can. but again, i can't guarantee that i'll be happy all the time. :D stupid me.
and i know i've not been updating you on my new class while everyone else is. but two oh four is lovely okay! we range from shorts to talls (: i think it's going to be a great year. i am their grandma hen who will probly nag at them twenty four hours a day. ahahaha. but otherwise. i hope everything turns out good.
i shall see if i can remember all their names.
berenice janine(06t3sl!) khaigzin dorcas(06'104!) cherylkoh(rge!) michelle chelsea(06'104!) cherylho sylvia(06t3sl-deposit-money-partner!) natalie hannah(labpartner!) kristie jessicachan(samename!) huiyi huanying(06'104!) kathy jovina yingting(hello-old-friend!) joanna(06'104!) xueshan jiaying amanda(mother hen!) sarah(mother hen!) gillian(motherhen!) eleanor(newzealand!) cherylchan yiling yuhui eenette miranda yujia(06'104!) celeste eunice huizi(06'104!) magdaline(rge and motherhen!) xinle
yay i remember everyone! and i keep on mixing saying jessicachan with jessicatan. ahaha. like i'll call her jessicatan sometimes. cos they do the same face whenever they don't get what i say! oh jessica chan you remind me of jessica tan! ahaha okay i shall cool down a bit from my lameness. and my old old old old friend yingting is back in the same class with me. (: and she's in my group. and we have the same school shoes :D and cherylkoh and mag are in the same class with me. so we have three lovely huge and adorable guitars at the back of our classroom! (:
and there are quite a lot of people who were sls last year. like dorcas and janine and sylvia and jessicachan and no more.
ah sheesh jessica chan i keep repeating your name. ah well we have the same name anyway. :D
okayokay, no lameness, got it. talking about lameness, oh my god. priscilla has gotten lamer and lamer and lamer and she has learnt how to whine! oh man! whine! and she'll just suddenly start laughing like there aint no floor and then define the lame theory. and so pril and pris get super lame every now and then and i have to count on simmy to keep my saneness. (: yay simmy! we shall live together and coexist! ahaha i sound like a parasite.
anyway let's see what else is there. sylvia! she's so cute! ahahaha i don't know why. not in that baby sense. like the deposit the last time. the eight dollars to pass to her who i didnt know. and i ran into her sometimes. like the toilet. :D and um. eunice who switched mortals with me because my original mortal's name was eunice too! and and and and two netballers(: i love netball, netballers! ahahaha.
okay ive not let you guys down. you guys better be happy.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
♥ Thursday, January 11, 2007
I've never felt like this before.
Things coming back, piecing back the puzzle pieces. Things reminding me of events that happened in the past that I've gotten over but still left holes, scars. They're coming back, altogether, and slowly the pieces are fitting in.
But no matter how many fragments I get back and piece altogether; they'll never be perfect again. Never untouched, never unbrokened. Cracks stay, scars stay, wounds never heal.
I'm having serious mood swing problems, they kill.
One minute i'm lapsing into depression, one minute i laugh just like that nothing's happened, nothing there. One minute I feel like crying my heart out, letting the tears flow down and dry up eventually, as with my sorrows. And another minute i feel as if i'm on top of the world, smiling at people who i want to smile at because i know i love them so.
It's so hard to tell what I'm feeling right now. Melancholic, nostalgia, happiness, joy, depression, humour; they all feel right as if they fit into a huge jigsaw puzzle and each of the pieces have their own significance. Maybe it was the rain. I'm always nostalgic from the rain. Hearing the sound of water pouring, seeing your windows as they are dotted with water droplets, looking out a blur.
I'm starting to doubt if faith, trust and pixie dust really work on me anymore.
These days it seems naive to put your faith in hope, in trust, in honesty, in love, and in pixie dust. Sure, they may seem real on the cartoons, but in real life. Nuh-uh.
I don't know what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling. I'm just so confused.
Oh, and I want to smile at some people now I don't get the chance to smile at very often. People like, who are in Australia right now. And of course not forgetting san francisco. Not forgetting crescent. Not forgetting gess. RVPS. I don't know.
I just want to gather all the people I love so dearly and take them into my arms now, and tell them that i love each and everyone of them. Hug them all and never let go. Whisper into their ears and tell them I love them, for a hundredth time.
It wouldn't be too much to ask of you guys, would it?
Monday, January 08, 2007
♥ Monday, January 08, 2007
Today was a bad day. But I was reading Tien's blog (who is the gien on my tagboard, by the way. apparently she typed wrongly)) and I felt the need to blog. About last night. (lucy if you're going to say I'm crying all the time then don't read anymore)
Last night, if it was a normal night, I would have slept at eleven since the next day was a school day, with no worries except if I would get up early enough to get to school in time.
Last night, if it was a little off normal, I would have slept at eleven thirty in boarding school in A402 on the same bed with the same view with different roommates wondering if i left the laundry in the machine for too long, and whether i'd wake up on time for school.
Last night, if it was a bit unnormal, I would be doing the laundry at home drying the clothes, boiling water, sweeping the floor, ironing some clothes. Doing homework, worrying if the kettle will actually make noise when the water's done cos the last time it didn't and the kettle chao da-ed. And worrying if I'd get up in time for school tomorrow, while sleeping at eleven thirty.
But last night it was unusual. Not what I would be doing on a school night. I was waiting for midnight, granted. I wasn't worrying if I'd wake up the next day for school. I wasn't thinking of anyone. No, not even him, although I was waiting for midnight for him. Nada. Empty. Conked out. I found out something that I wasn't supposed to, yesterday. Not really 'not supposed to', you know. She told me about it. But I don't want to know it. I'd rather I didn't know it.
Because right after that I started crying. Tears welling my eye buckets and then emptying, and then gasping for breath, and then tears welling again, and then emptying, all over and over and over again.
But last night it was different. Because I had someone with me. Not him. Not him either. Not anyone I would have cared about probably, two years ago. Not anyone I would have gotten close with if he hadn't existed. Not a type of person who would be my friend and listen to endless moaning if he hadn't come along and wrecked both our lives. But she, is a true friend. She stood by me in my times of need. She, was the one who tried to made me feel better when I was bawling my eyes out. She was the one who told me she was listening when I couldn't count on anything else to be real. She taught me how to live life as we have it, the way we have it. She didn't falter at her own advice.
She was the one who broke into my immunity system.
You would have thought, and I would too, by the things I've gotten past, gotten through, gotten over, that I would have been immune to some things. Some actions some people do, certain things they say. It's like repeated antibiotics prescribed by the doctor which doesn't work on me anymore. But nevertheless. Every single blow, small or big, no matter how many times it's struck on me, no matter when; they always get me. They always, always get me down. And I always, always need someone to help me through, to carry me and walk the next mile before I can stand back up and continue the rest of my journey.
What everyone sees me as now in school is the positive person who's a bit shy but nevertheless makes quite a lot of noise. QUITE a lot. HEH. *hint* my family sees me as a good at everything person who can do anything and who never cries, never has problems. never knows anything either, perhaps. But I know. I know, because I've been through all of what they don't want me to know, I've seen through their lies, I've seen through their cover. I've seen through what they want me to see and looked deeper into each and every single person and their feelings.
But deep down. Sometimes I'm laughing on the outside but my heart is aching so much, like there's a hole and things are leaking out from it. Like someone stabbed me with a hundred knives right into my heart, leaving me to bleed and dry off as a dried body. Sucking out all the life and love and energy inside of me and throwing them into rivers and lakes that lead to someplace unknown. You never know the irony I face in my life everyday, sick of pretending to be something I'm really not. Sick of pretending that I don't know, sick of pretending that I know, sick of pretending.
But this person. She hasn't forgotten about what I feel inside. She hasn't forgotten that she could feel that way sometimes too. She hasn't forgotten that what I put on everyday could be a mask to hide my feelings. She hasn't forgotten that I'm human too, and I have my down moments, and I have feelings and I can think.
And she's my bucket.
She's my bucket to hold the blood that leaks from the heart. She's my bucket to collect all the life and love and energy that was sucked out from me and bring them back to where they were in the first place. She's my bucket if I cry seven gazillion litre of tears.
And most of all. She doesn't mind. She doesn't mind being my bucket, my hands. A pair of hands to hold me when I can't take anymore. Because to her, I matter. I'm not some girl who laughs with her and never shares what I really want, what I really need to share with her, not just popcorn, not just coke, but sharing with her my life, everything I have.
And for that I love her. I love her for not minding, I love her for trying to make me feel better, learning what makes me tick Learning what are the stuff that I need, how I'm feeling. I love her for being there for me. I love her for who she is, for what she does. For how she knows me.
And I hope you know that, my twin. You are and will always be, my bucket of vitamin c.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
♥ Saturday, January 06, 2007
just now i was at timezone and i am so inspired by this little girl.
but i've told fransis about it so i dont feel like retyping anymore! anyway. come alive blog!
okay um let's see what i can post about. i shall do a random quiz. yeah.
1) what are you doing now?
listening to kelly clarkson and IMing with fransis and smsing jesstan and trying to do homework and blogging. i multitask (:
2) what's your fave advert?
n5300! musiconnects! even the slogan connects. so i connect with 5300. so 5300 bonds with me. ><
3) what's on your mind right now?
do your homework, jessica. no more imagination or sugar. and fransis come back quick from the toilet.
4) what'd your life be in thirty days?
a month. 6 feb? gone back to bs to meet new roomates and lug a gazillion luggages up four floors to the same room to the same wardrobe and the same bed and see the same window and view and the same mcD delivery guy.
5) how are you feeling now?
sleepy and tired and sick of homework. and shit, it's view. oh and did i tell you that i'm running high blood sugar.
6) who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
jessica tan (: yesterday. no today.
7) name one thing you realised in the past twenty four hours.
before kelly clarkson sings 'beautiful disaster' live, there's this random person who screams really high and loud and weird. AAAAAAAAAAAA.
8)name the most meaningful thing you did today.
play tennis with koko. HAHA.
9) red, green, blue, black, pink, purple, orange, in order of favourite to least.
blue, orange, purple, black, green, pink, red.
10) what are you going to do after posting?
sleep. sms. eat. listen to more kelly clarkson. i am unpredictable (:
okay loves! im going off. mom's going back tomorrow night. and grandaunt coming. so i have to mind my actions -_- whatever i meant by that.
okay bye (:
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
♥ Tuesday, January 02, 2007
I bought VAH's cd today (:
And I realised that some songs I don't like at first I'll love when I've read the lyrics. Like 'What ever will be will be'.
''What ever will be will be''
Sometimes I feel like I'm a bird with broken wings.
At times I dread my now and envy where I've been
But that's when quiet wisdom takes control
At least I've got a story no one's told.
I've finally learned to say
Whatever will be will be
I've learnt to take
The good the bad and breathe
Cos although we'd like to know
What life's got planned
No one knows if shooting stars will land.
These days it feels naive to put your faith in hope
To imitate a child falling backwards on the snow
Cos that's when fears will usually lead you blind
But now I try to underanalyze
I've finally learnt to say
Whatever will be will be
I've learnt to take
The good the bad and breathe
Cos although we'd like to know
What life's got planned
No one knows if shooting stars will land.
Is the rope I walk wearing thin?
Is the life I love caving in?
Is the weight on your mind
A heavy black bird caged inside?
Say whatever will be will be.
Whatever will be will be
I've learnt to take
The good the bad and breathe
Cos although we'd like to know
What life's got planned
No one knows if shooting stars will land.
You know what, person-who-i-worry-so-much-about? What ever will be, will be.
Cos no one knows if shooting stars will land.
Monday, January 01, 2007
♥ Monday, January 01, 2007
I'm just sitting around here waiting for inspiration to come and fill my seemingly very empty brain.
I don't know why i want to write, either. maybe it's because it's the new year, or maybe because i finished reading sarah dessen's dreamland last night. and im telling you, her books always, always make me cry.
there's always this part in her books where i'll be reading probly at around three in the morning, and i'll be alone, and the tears will just start flowing, whether it's wallowing in the pity for the character ( Macy, Caitlin, Halley, Haven ) or finding some things similar to my life, which meant in my own self pity.
i picked up this book accidentally. i was looking for her 'just listen' bestseller on this really messy young adults' fiction shelf of borders and there was this book called dreamland and i just picked it out from the shelf, unaware of the author's name staring at me. i picked another couple of books, dessen's 'how to deal' and stephenie something's twilight which jess tan obviously praised to the heavens in front of me and told me i have to read it. i've read 'how to deal' before, borrowed from the library, which i reread over and over and over and over again, until i realised that i was overdue by some months. it was so good, i just felt like buying it altogether. but this book. dreamland. i went to look for the author's name and found it imprinted, quite huge, in caps. the front coverpage was this water, with a small bridge kind of thing, like an empty dock and a lady standing on it and clouds agaisnt the sky. it was all blurred and all, like dreamland. very, like dreamland.
and i went, shit, i am so stupid. see her name in caps seeeeee!
though i didnt find her 'just listen', okay. i'll find it another day. and i couldn't stop reading once i started the first page. i read all evening and almost skipped dinner if my mom didnt scream at me to, and read all the way til about three in the morning. i cried at some points, stopped to think at some points, paused for some time, read again, paused to think. but throughout the whole book i didn't, at any point lose any interest in the storyline. because that's what dessen does. her storyline, although it usually portrays the main character as someone inadequate.
shit i have to go out and buy lunch. and blogger conked out on me and erased half of what i typed just now. ):
ARGH
