Wednesday, July 26, 2006
♥ Wednesday, July 26, 2006
You left.
What more can I say? I watched you get in the taxi, saw you load your luggage, saw you crying, watched as you waved goodbye. Snuck away with you for the last time, at the same old place that we called our own, one that would be empty and incomplete without you.
You said you would stay. I want you to,but I can't make you. Cause making you stay is like stopping the world from turning, stopping the rain from falling. I really can't afford to do that, to lose everything. But I didn't realise that by letting you go I would be losing a part of my world already.
I wish to relive those days again. The movies where we would go to, the ones that I would hide behind you. Where you would cover me with your jacket because I always forgot to bring one. The dinners and lunches that we had together, us squabbling over the food. The warmth of your hand, the insecurities that would disappear whenever you were around. The one who would give me confidence, the one who would be there when I couldn't stand the pressure. The one that was always there.
Letting go has never been something I was able to take or handle. It's almost the hardest thing that I can ever do. Maybe I'm just selfish, that's why. But you'll always be here in my heart. You're someone who I won't forget, my firsts.
But without you I can't live like I was. You see me laughing, and I tell you I'm okay, but the laughter is empty, it is but an empty shell of pretense against the world that has already turned against me.Without you I lose myself. When you left you took a part of you that was in me and kept it. I know I'll never get it back but it hurts so much, I can't breathe. I can't do anything meaningfully.
Not everyone knows about you. But I want you to know that you'll always be a part of me, no matter where you are. Because when you left you didn't take all of what you were away. There are still strains of your existence here, and they will stay as memories that are precious, that will not be forgotten or kept away.
But oh, your confidence in me. Knowing that there's someone who cares in the other part of the world makes me feel guilty when I feel like giving me up, so I don't. I'm trying awful hard, you know, but I still can't get it right. I can't do it myself. Things don't go the way I want it to.
People say I'm overreacting. But try putting yourself in my shoes awhile. Imagine your parents living in another place, and everytime you walk on the road and pass by a family eating ice cream you have to cringe and turn and look away. Because you know that if you stay to watch them, the emptiness that you feel will maximise and magnify til you can't stand it anymore. Its not easy, you know. You think it is but it's not. The feeling I get when I watch a family get together on Sundays at Tangs is unbearable. The kind that makes me wrench, the kind that emphasises that I'm alone and independent.
You can spend Sats and Suns at home doing your PTs while your maid cleans up your room, but what am I doing? Instead of doing PTs, I have to clean my room. I have to make my bed, I have to do my housework. I have to remember to send all the clothes for washing, cos if I don't I won't get uniform to wear for tomorrow. Yet no one sympathises. This and that. All the things that pile up one by one, that make a mountain, that make me freak out. The one that leaves me in a mess.
So before you start blaming, put yourself in my shoes. Because you never know when I'm gonna break down and stop functioning altogether. I don't know either, but I'm pretty sure it's gonna be soon now.
