Saturday, July 22, 2006
♥ Saturday, July 22, 2006
You're leaving soon.
So I guess that's how it's going to end. Each of us trying to make the other think that it's gonna be alright. We're gonna be just fine, you know. We'll talk, we'll be normal.
But I know that isn't true. I try to make it sound alright, make it sound like it's not a big deal, you know. Because I know that I don't, you'll come crumbling down, and when you do, the walls in my heart that hold me up will disappear, and so will the decision to let you go. It is this coldness that keeps my heart from breaking, from shattering, into pieces of glass.
But I can't hold it much longer. It is melting, like the ice caps on the mountains. Gradually, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. Bit by bit. Yet I try to tell you that I'm fine, that you should go, that you shouldn't worry about me.
I am weak. I don't dare to see you go. I don't dare to see you drive away, in the car, waving at me. When you do the rivers will come down on me, and I start to realise that my eyes are a blur. I can't see you anymore, because you are gone, because tears have filled my eyes. Because I will never see you again.
I know you will not come back again, because it is better to stay away than to put me through another round of pain, another round of sadness, another round of torture. Hurting you, is like hurting myself. You're exactly the person who I thought you were. You don't want to hurt me. And neither do I.
Now I have decided. Letting you go was a foreseeable circumstance, I knew from the very first day. As harsh as it is, I have no choice. I wonder if I should send you off, tomorrow. The last time of seeing you in person, the last time of seeing you with feelings. Not only for me, but for us. For the first time we met, for the first connection.
But thank you. You are my firsts. In you I can see the firsts of me, the first time I learn to sacrifice, the first time I learn how to let someone take control over me. The first time I let my heart rule over my mind. The first, but not the last. You made me see things that I couldnt, and you made me feel things that I wasn't supposed to. You made me feel happiness.
But you never know. There might be someday where I can get a random ticket to Sydney, and skip school for a few days. When that happens, then maybe the world will change after all.
