all it takes second part.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
♥ Thursday, October 05, 2006
All it takes, second part of chapter one! (:___________________________________________________________________________ I waited for Ellyn to come before washing up. She was a great help around the house, fixing dinner, talking to Sarah, giving Ashley hugs. But the efforts of the both of us still couldn't make up for Tom. Sarah just sat there and stared into nothing in particular, and most of the time Ellyn had to give up any answer she wanted from Sarah altogether.
If it was getting any worse, it was dinner. Tom cooked, and he cooked well too. Dinner around the house was never bland or too salty with him around. Often he and Sarah would fix dinner and once landed in a food fight which resulted in two ghostly like figures covered in flour laughing in the kitchen. One night it was lasagna, the other it was spaghetti, and another it was Chinese food. He liked to try out new stuff and his talent in cooking seemed to follow him no matter which cuisine he came up with, because it was always delicious.
"You ready?" I asked Ellyn as she was doing some cleaning up of the kitchen. Her look told me she understood what I meant, too. Serving dinner alone would be a challenge, not mentioning getting them to eat some.
"Let's go," she said, after a sigh.
We walked together up to the dining table, where Sarah and Ashley were sitting. No one had any appetite, and I have to admit, not even I. Anyone with any decency left in her wouldn't have an appetite either. It was just too hard to deal with. While Ellyn was halfway laying the table, Sarah stood up. The three of us looked at her, and for a moment everything was silent, except for the police siren wailing under the shade of the lights by the road. The silence alone was deafening, and the noise just made it worse.
A series of events rushed through my mind. I wondered what she would do, or say. We must have stood there for a long while, until finally Sarah opened her mouth, probably for the first time in the day.
"Lasagna," She looked at me. "You're trying to replace him?" Now she shook her head. "No, you can't. No one ever can."
With that, she turned back towards her room. Ellyn and I looked at each other knowingly, and at the same time worried. Perhaps it was this chemistry between us, knowing what each other would do, that made her sit beside Ashley and offer her a warm long hug. Meanwhile, I would face Sarah, my sister, the one who had always taken care of me through all these years, the one who was always there for me whenever I thought I couldn't live alone. The one who gave me courage to live.
I approached her room, and as I did, I could hear her soft cries. The soft cries I heard when I was little, when I was immature, when I thought that I couldn't help. The same cries of despair and longing that took over her six years ago, which she had overcome. Now it was time for her to do it all over again. It was unfair, to her and to the spirit between the three of us.
I opened the door. This was it. I was surprised that it wasn't locked, but I took it as a reward. Uncertain, I took a step in. She was where I thought she would be; the balcony. Our rooms were structured so that I could see hers, and she could see mine. Even with only a part of the sliding glass door open, the wind that came in was strong enough to make me shiver. I couldn't imagine how cold it was out there, and Sarah without a jacket. Suddenly I thought of retreating, retreating out to the dining room, where Ellyn would be holding Ashley, where the lasagna would be half-eaten, where it was warm and cosy, unlike the harsh wind that blew at us sending chills down my body.
I didn't know what took over me, but my feet couldn't retreat. Instead, it took a step front, followed by another, and another, until I reached the glass door of that balcony, of Sarah's lonesome figure against the faint moonlight. I still couldn't believe the courage that overwhelmed me, but my hands did me proud, pushing open the door and then stepping outside. Now it was me and Sarah standing side by side, our two silhouettes cast on the moon, the stars twinkling down at us. She wasn't alone anymore; she had me. As I looked at her, that's when I realized how much she'd age since the last time I saw her under such light, six years ago. In those six years she'd aged, matured, and grown, into a loving sister, and a responsible young woman.
We stood in the silence for some time, the wind blowing at our faces. In those few moments my mind rushed back to the scene at the beach six years ago. The same sky, the same stars, the same wind, the same rustling of leaves, and the same moon. But now it was different, because the person who was strong then wasn't now, and the one who wasn't then was now.
Suddenly fireworks appeared from nowhere, and colourful streaks painted the night sky. They were beautiful, but I knew that she wouldn't see what I was seeing, the beauty of work, of life. As I looked at her I felt her loneliness. I saw her as the night sky, someone who was waiting quietly for something to light her up, to fill her, just as the fireworks lit up the dark night and filled up the emptiness of the space. But only if the feeling would stay, as the fireworks stopped, and the lone moon stood above all else, all traces of the fireworks, and the black sky was returned itself. After the fireworks, things had returned back to the way they were, six years ago.
"I'm sorry," I said, uncertain.
Presently she stood staring into nothing in particular, of maybe the glowing moon. "For what?"
"For trying to replace him," I paused. "I shouldn't have-"
Sarah shook her head, interrupting me. "No, it's fine."
"Let's get back in the house, Sarah," I prompted after a while. I was getting cold. "It's chilly out here."
"Do you think he's up there?" she asked, nodding at the stars.
I then realized what she was doing in the silence all the while. Though she wasn't crying outside, inside it was bleeding, hurting more than it ever could. In the dead silence she was pouring her heart out to the stars, to Tom, to the person who had taken her heart and replaced it with his, because she died when he did. The childishness in her still remained after all these years, inside she was a child once again, yearning to gain back her independence and freedom, her fantasy. The lost love that could never be replaced with any other, one that was unique and one of a kind.
"Yes, Sarah," I said, taking a deep breath. "He will be there, always, always, with you, in his heart, and you know it. He will always be there when you need him."
"Where is he now? I need him so badly," Now her tears flowed. I went over and gave her a hug, one of reassurance and love, of comfort and encouragement. I wanted to help her. I wanted to show her what life was like without Tom, what life could be even if Tom wasn't around. But she couldn't see them, just like she couldn't see the beauty of those fireworks, which still hung as clouds.
"You know that he will always love you, and he doesn't want to see you in this mess," I whispered, still caught in the hug we shared. "So you've got to be strong. For Tom, for you, for us. We'll always be with you, Sarah, wherever you are and whatever you do. But you've got to be strong yourself."
We stood there for a long time, and as we did I looked up to the night sky, where the stars seemed to shine as bright as they could, where the clouds hung, where the lone moon was still standing. But now the clouds of dust had disappeared, and the stars could be seen. The moon was not alone anymore, and it would never be, because the stars would follow it, wherever it went, always, forever, supporting our moon, our sister.
