Friday, November 10, 2006
♥ Friday, November 10, 2006
What exactly is wrong with you?
You promised. You promised that you'd always be there. You said I've not got much but I've got you. You made me believe that I could count on you for a shoulder when I need one. You used to make me smile with each message, each word, each question. You used to check your phone before bed. You told me I made you happy. You used to tell me things which I naively believed, and you promised there wouldn't be a second time.
But second times always repeat themselves. Again. And again and again and AGAIN. And everytime you do that, flunking out on me every few days or so, I make up excuses for you. Excuses like you are busy, like you aren't allowed to use your phone, excuses like you're too engrossed in something, whatever it is. Get this - you conveniently dump your phone to one side for a whole week, and then I'm the one who comes up with excuses for you.
You think I've not been trying to help you? So many times, I wish to. I come up with so many different excuses, for what? Just to tell myself that it's okay, because you're doing something more important. Just to tell myself that you're busy. Just to tell myself that things will go back to normal once it's over.
But how many more times can I do this? How many more excuses can I come up with to shield you and your lies? How many more times do I have to get myself back up again? How many more times, are you going to do this to me, over and over and over and over again?
I don't know where's the extreme. Am I just some person who you talk to because you're bored? Am I just some person whose name is in your phone book and you never ever give a damn about? Maybe, that's what I am. I'm just this random person who came out of nowhere and will disappear into nowhere too. Because I don't matter, because I don't exist. I'm not human and I don't have feelings. I'm not real.
Have you ever thought about what you're doing to me? Hurting me like this, making me feel that I'm not worthy as you are. Each day is an unfulfilled day, filled with empty promises, filled with empty words, filled with your hypocrisy. With just a few boundaway messages I'm starved. With just those few boundaway messages I ignore what everyone says and wait at my phone all day long. You're affecting me and you don't KNOW it. You're hurting me and you don't give a bloody damn look to it.
Are you that kind of person? Maybe all that was just a mask. Your mask that you show me which tells me that you care, your mask that doesn't show what's in you. Then perhaps what I've felt all these while weren't true. Perhaps it had all been a lie. Perhaps it had been a plan, right from the start, from the very first message when I let you into my life, and showed you my darkest moment, and all my deepest secrets.
I've trusted the wrong person, haven't I? Maybe I'm reading too much into this. Maybe you're just away. Maybe you lost your phone. Maybe, maybe, maybe. How many more maybes will there be inside me to defend you? I don't want to defend you. I tell myself I don't want to but it's first instinct, to say it's not that you don't want to, it's just because you can't.
But you know what? Your name is right at the top of my address book, and it's still waiting for the phone to ring to tell me that you have finally decided to stop this ridiculous game of hide and seek. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I hope you get this clear.
Be a man. Don't let a woman have the chance to stand up for you.
