Wednesday, November 29, 2006
♥ Wednesday, November 29, 2006
You'd never know how much I needed someone last night.
It was one thirty when he stopped talking to me. We'd been discussing his lovely dream plan for the past hour and a half, ever since he'd told me to pay more attention to the flow of things in the shop, in his lovely precious Apple shop.
And it was one thirty when I climbed onto the bed, where Mom was already sleeping. I turned off the light. It was dark, and it was good. It was good for me to find solace in my bolster, knowing that no one would see me, and no one would see my tears. Then no one would find out I'd ever been crying, that I'd ever crashed that night.
But this was a good chance, I knew. It was just my mother and I. No one would disturb, no one else would know. I could count on her to keep it a secret, what I felt about my father and his job, what I felt about the business. What I felt about being the biggest, the first, always. What I felt about him wanting me to do things that only he liked, and I didn't. I was stuck. A lot of those claims hurled at my mind. About my dad telling me to care more about the business, about me being the bigger and not taking responsiblity, about how I'm not doing things right and that I should do it another way. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe, in my mind. I wanted to tell her that everything wasn't okay, tell her that I want her back.
But I didn't dare. Call me a coward, call me a fool; but I didn't dare. It was always this weakness that caught me. In the end, I didn't dare, didn't have enough courage to tell her, to just cry in her arms and tell her whatever I had to tell her. To tell her the things that I'd wanted to tell her but never got the chance to.
So they battled in my mind for half an hour, at least. And in the end I decided. I decided to stop being a weakling and stand up for myself, do something for myself just once. Just this once. Fight for something real this once. I was going to tell her. That's what I decided. No matter what, I would do it before I changed my mind, or falter. I would do it after my dad came in to check on us, which he did every night before he went to bed. Yes. I would do it after that.
And I waited. An hour at least. I would wake her up and cry and tell her everything I wanted to. I was still crying, actually. I was afraid that if I stopped I wouldn't dare to tell her anymore. I hushed myself in the hour. I tried to sleep. I couldn't, still. It was hard to think, to breathe through that hour. I couldn't do it. No, I couldn't do it. Yes, I would do it. I have to do it.
But when he came in and went out, and she woke up for no reason. I could'nt do it. I couldn't tell her how much I was suffering inside, how much I was crying although she couldn't hear it, she didn't know it. And I didn't. I didn't do it in the end. I tried, I did. I called her. She asked why I wasn't asleep, asked me if I couldn't. I told her yes, She mumbled something about waking up early tomorrow. I told her okay.
And I faltered. I fell. I didn't want to make it known to her yet. Not now. She was tired. It was no time for me to fall.
And so I cried. Back in the solace of my own pillow I cried myself to sleep. It was too hard to deal with, and I was too tired to deal with it. So I slept.
And the next morning, I got up to my mother's voice. Wake up, she said, gotta go to work or you'll follow your dad today. It was nine. And so I got up, to another normal day at the shop, where I'd be doing nothing but playing sims.
It was another day of work.
