Sunday, January 28, 2007
♥ Sunday, January 28, 2007
This is it. I know I might lose him today. I know I don't want to but I'm not doing anything to stop it.
Because probably they were meant to be. Probably I wasn't supposed to be in that. Probably I shouldn't have. But I know it's partly my fault they're like this. It's partly my fault that things didn't work out between them. Maybe this time if i don't interfere things will go smoothly and I can see my best friend living happily, and I can pretend to be happy because I love her too.
But it's so hard. I know it's going to happen. I know that I want to do something about it but I don't. I don't do anything to keep him. Because I don't want to hurt her. Because I know I love her (as a friend, of course. as a best friend). And I want her to be happy.
I guess you could say that this is dramatic. Too dramamtic to be true. But seriously, the truth? It's like that.
I know inside I'm crumbling as the minutes go by, the seconds pass the day, the messages fill up my inbox. I pretend to not care, I try to not care, but I can't. Every single word he says; she says about him; it breaks me inside to know. But at the same time I want to know. I don't want to not know, because not knowing just means that there are more things I don't know. I don't need to lengthen that list.
Irony? That's one word to say now. Hypocrisy? Maybe. Maybe I am one. Pretending to want to know but actually when I know I don't want to think it's true. Pretending to be okay when I know I can't take it. Pretending that I don't like him anymore. Ain't that hypocrisy?
I don't know what I'm turning into anymore. I never used to be like this. Never used to love a friend that much, never used to like a guy that much. Never used to believe in love. But now I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I know, it's just that I don't want to admit it.
Give me strength, to pass through this as myself and not as someone else. Give me the courage to stand up strong and not fall. Give me the strength to stop loving him.
And with each and every word he says; it breaks my heart to know it's true.
