Saturday, February 03, 2007
♥ Saturday, February 03, 2007
I went to clarke quay in the evening, and I just realised I never knew how much I missed you.
Perhaps I've been too busy with school, and home, to think so much. To really find out who I'd want to be beside. Of course, it's hard to know. Actually, I don't really get it. I haven't thought through the person I really want to be with. I don't think it's pressing, though. I'm still fourteen afterall. I don't need that much stuff to think about. I don't need that much stiff to be thought through now. I know I'll learn and someday I will find out what I need to know, solve what I need to solve.
But when I looked over at the water from the esplanade; I wished you were with me talking, laughing, commenting on how beautiful the scenery was. When I saw the people snapping pictures; I wished we were, too. When I felt the cold breeze; I wished you were there to pass me your jacket, and pretend that you weren't cold when your hairs were actually standing on end. And when I felt myself breaking, I wished you were there to take me into your arms and do nothing but hold me close and never let go.
I know I might sound selfish, but I want you back. I wish I could return to our old days where I could ring you up any time I needed you to talk, and you would listen, and the way you knew every single thing that was wrong, the way you knew what I wanted just by the look in my eyes, or just by the sound of my voice. I can't believe how much I've been lying to myself, I can't believe how I didn't realise how much I needed you in my life.
Until today. I guess it takes an astonishing scenery, the sound of the waters, a Meg Cabot cook, and one of my best friends to do make me realise that you aren't here anymore. My cousin is one of the people whom I fight with, say sorry to each other, and then live like nothing's happened before. She's like a best friend that I meet once in two years, and who sleepsover at my room and we talk til 3 in the morning laughing about potatoes and dragons.
But it wasn't the same. She didn't take off her jacket and give it to me when the breeze blew so hard and I felt like I was going to be swept off my feet. She didn't take the initiative to hold my hand like you did, on the pretext of keeping me warm. She never was there to hold me like I was her life. She didn't laugh the way you did.
She wasn't you.
The place just made it worse. I saw that restaurant. I saw that table where we sat and ate, and winced and drank and laughed and joked with sara. I saw that dock where we boarded the river boat to the esplanade. And I was sitting on that dock where we sat, I was on that ledge where we held hands and hummed a song no one knew. I was on that platform where we watched the sun go down and the rock back play. I remember everything, and I wasn't okay.
Because you weren't there with me.
I'm sorry to say this, but I want you back. I need you back here with me like you were last year, to help me find the words to speak, to help me keep myself after all the changes that I've made. I need you to tell me when I'm wrong, I need sneakouts to our usual place, I need you to watch tv with me, I need you in every lunch, every dinner.
I need you every minute I breathe in.
But I guess it's too late to turn back now. Because apparently it is my fault, afterall, that we are like this.
And I know I'm sorry. I hope you know I'm sorry too.
