Tuesday, March 13, 2007
♥ Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Today I chanced upon a photo of my 6th birthday party. And somehow, things hit me.
I actually think Lucy might be right. About what she said about family, and friends. About the way she's living life. And I empathise with her.
I remember that day, my sixth birthday. For some reason my mom decided to organise a party and invite all my friends to come over and there were even games and prizes. It was probably my first birthday party (not counting the times I can't remember) and til now, my only. I'm surprised i remember every single detail; every single image is struck sharply, I can't un-remember those pictures, and after seeing that picture just brought back all the memories along with it. I suddenly realise what I've been living on all these years.
My mother.
For the years where she fed me, washed me, dressed me, pushed me in a stroller. When she sat with me doing my homework as if it was interesting to her, to do pre-school work. When she held my hand as we walked the malls, when she brought me to the doctors, when she wouldn't sleep everytime I had a fever, when she stayed with me every night until I slept, only leaving when she heard my breathing. She could tell if I was asleep just by how I breathe.
I still remember my kindergarten graduation. Clad in a graduation hat and robe, holding a certificate probably printed one night before and looking very simple indeed and feeling proud. I haven't forgotten that day. I remember telling my mother that night how good it was to finish kindergarten, so I could get to Primary school. With beaming eyes, I told her I couldn't wait to grow up. She just smiled and told me to brush my teeth.
And not long ago, my primary graduation. I did a speech, and after the event the girls in my class gathered together to take pictures and wish each other farewells. As I hugged my friends, one by one, my mother shed tears. My mother shed tears for her daughter, whom she bathed and held and loved since birth. My mother shed tears for her friend, who watched midnight movies at the cinemas with her, who disappointed her when she lied, who told her everything she wanted to tell her, who gave her a bear hug everynight. My mother was proud of her daughter, and if I could I wished I could have kept those tears she shedded.
My mother cried for the nights she could sing edelweiss to me.
She knew, that those days wouldn't last. When I was small and I couldn't sleep, she would take turns with my father to stroke my forehead gently and sing.
"Edelweiss, edelweiss,"
I would recognise that voice, that thumb on my forehead, that warmth around me.
"Every morning you see me,"
I wanted so much for her to be the first thing I see in the morning.
"Small and white, clean and bright,"
I wished the next day I would still be her little girl.
"You look happy to meet me,"
Of course, mom. Of course.
I can't wait to be her kid again.
I can't let go of those days where she wiped the cream sauce off my mouth when we ate spaghetti. I can't let go of the days where she lay with me in bed and left only when Id fallen asleep. I cant let go of those days when she sang edelweiss every night. I can't let go of my mother.
Some friends disappoint. Some friends encourage. Some friends make you think. But sorry to say this, there are expectations. Some friends have expectations. Though some don't. But parents aren't the same. Parents love you. No matter what. Whether you're autistic or you're dyslexic or you have down syndrome. Parents love you all the same, they fuss over you, they scold you, they scream at you, they hit you. But with every action they do they love you, and they show it. And you know they show it.
Not everyone understands what Im saying. Some must be going, 'what do you mean parents have no expectations?', or 'hitting me does not equals to loving me', but some people understand.
People like Lucy Chen. Monica.
Oh Lucy, I admit defeat. You are more cheem than me. Yes.
