Friday, June 29, 2007
♥ Friday, June 29, 2007
Priscilla asked this question:
Do you ever feel like giving up? Like sleeping and not waking up anymore?
I do. Every morning when my alarm rings I turn it off and go back to sleep and tell myself that I'm too tired to go to school, only to wake up a minute later and take a cold shower. I don't know why.
Normally, when I see this line at the start of a post, I cringe. I sigh, turn away, and then I write something on the tagboard to console that friend, and then I go on. For some time now I've been trying to avoid reading things like that. I can't handle them yet, because I know once I read things like that again everything will come back. Back to square one, back to square one. All those nights I spent in - what do you call it? - nostalgia. Self pity. My pillow wet with the tears I bled out, like rain. Seeking comfort in music, listening to the bass hitting at hundreds.
Once, I was Miss Independent. But that was the past. The distant (i.e three years considering I am fourteen) past. Something I can never gain back. Some memories I cannot erase and avoid, unlike the posts I skipped. Now, I'm nothing like that. I'm nowhere near self actualisation, I'm nowhere near perfect, or even good. I'm below fair, I'm someone who doesn't achieve much. I am one name on the class list of 204. I am one name in the registry of Raffles Girls School. I am me.
But that is enough. For now. That is enough for my mom, my dad. That is enough for my friends, enough for Lucy, Jess, April, Simmy, Monica, Sara. I am enough for you, Priscilla (or so I hope). And you are enough for me.
When you try so hard you can't try any harder but you don't succeed, you get tired. Everyone gets tired. Everyone gets exhausted. Everyone doubts themselves. It sucks (irony, I am eating simmy's cookies!) and it's hard to get over that. I know because I've been in that trap, but I'm lucky. I have someone to whisper me wise words of encouragement, to help me up when I fall, to assure me when I'm in doubt. She makes me feel that it's okay to not be a great perfect person, but to be someone with mistakes is okay and loved all the same. (yes thank you hunny bunny lol)
And similarly, my dear Pris, you don't need to be good. You don't even need to be average. You just need to be you. You can't challenge the grades because there's nothing higher than 4.0, but you can do your best, be it lower or higher than that (bloody) score. You, as you are now, are good enough for me. You don't have to finish everything (when do we ever do anyway?) and have no time to do anything else. I know if a teacher reads this I am so dead or something but I'm serious. Life is so much more than that. Look around you. Appreciate what you have. Love the people around you. Unlike books, they reciprocate. They give you hugs. They smile. They blog.
And now, I stand (virtually) before you to tell you that you're excellent. You're good. You can do it. I know you can. I don't know if I can but I don't want to, but you, you're different. You want it, and you can. No matter how many times you don't get support at home, I never do anyway, you can do it.
Quoted from hunny bunny, "I can help you, but you have to help me to help yourself."
GO MY LOVELY PRIS. I LOVE YOU!
You can because I read that post for you.
